In the next 366 days I plan to...

Have a baby (like that one wasn't obvious)

Continue my education in two areas

Go in to business with a friend of mine

Get a bigger house (via an addition on to our current home, not planning on moving)

Rediscover me. I've been lost somewhere along the way

Strengthen my faith. Losing Lucas hurt my faith, big time.

Nothing to do with babies, nothing to do with Husband, nothing to do with me

But I just read this and loved it and had to share it somewhere:

a certain sadness

touches me

in thoughts too deep to share

not that you never loved me

but that I cease to care

Silence is not always golden

My life, it has been a little insane lately.

I love the holiday season, but it makes for a crazy time.

The benefit is I was able to keep my mind off of my cycle, I have been able to keep from spending every single day crying over Lucas (I have found that my down time, my quiet time is when I miss him most) and it's been rewarding:

1. My first cycle after my miscarriage I ovulated, before I even had my first AF after my miscarriage. I had read conflicting reports as to whether I would or not.

2. I ovulated on schedule. Again, I had read conflicting reports on this, some stating I may ovulate as many as two weeks later than normal.

3. I had a GREAT ovulation. I think it is due to the new supplements I was taking this cycle, but regardless, I was thrilled about that.

4. My luteal phase was better than ever. They had previously met the bare minimum to be acceptable, but this time around it was a very resepctable 13 day LP.

So now I am finishing up my first post - miscarriage AF. I am officially clear to start TTC again (shhh don't tell anyone, but I never really stopped). I hope and pray that encouraging words I've heard from women who have been through this loss before are true. I hope my body is at it's best now that it's been pregnant once and it will "remember" what it is supposed to do.

I don't mean this to say I am just moving past Lucas. His loss is still so real to me. Seeing pregnant women still rips my heart out because I can't help but think that it should be me. But doing this, actively trying again, is something I need to do. I love him with all my heart, but in order to keep from becoming a useless ball of mush.

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

I am doing so much better than I was on Thursday. I had to tell a bunch of people today that I hadn't told yet. That was sooo hard.

Last night I had the opportunity to talk to a friend of mine whom I haven't spoken with in months. She has had several miscarriages and was a great source of information for me. She validated my feelings and even agreed with me about naming the baby and buying something in his memory.

I told her that I have dealt with the pain and disappointment of losing Lucas, but what has been bothering me the most is the fact that no one else will remember him. In ten years probably none of my friends will remember that I had a miscarriage, but I will always mourn my baby. No one will remember the life that wasn't even given a chance.

It saddens me so much that the only heart that grieves for him is mine, the only tears that are cried for him are mine, the only one who mourns what he may have contributed to the world is me.

He deserves more. I feel like I should take out a full-page ad in the paper saying, "The world lost the promise of a new life. You may have never known him, but he had an impact on someone and he will be missed. He may have never taken a breath but he was deeply loved and at least one person will always mourn his loss."

I'm doing better, but I still miss my baby. I don't cry every day, but my heart still mourns. I am coping, but I will never be "over it".

No, no, no

I feel like I want to run around the room, jump up and down on the couch and scream, "No, no, no!!! No, you don't know!"

I received an email from a friend saying how sorry she was that I lost my baby (I've decided to name him and his name is Lucas). At the end of the email she said, "I know how you feel, the pain of not getting pregnant for several months when I was TTC was unbearable."

No!! No you do NOT know how I feel! I have dealt with the pain of not getting pregnant for months and months. I know what that pain is like it is NOT the same thing. You have not had a miscarriage, you do NOT know how I feel.

Do not minimalize my pain. I lost my child. I understand this child was just a vague future possibility to you, but he was real to me. I fell in love with him the moment I knew he was inside of me. There was not a moment that went by that I didn't love him more than I have ever loved another human being. And when I knew I was losing him and there was nothing I could do to stop it I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

So, please, do NOT tell me that you know how I feel. There is no possible way you know how I feel right now.

Sometimes tears aren't enough

I can't adequately verbalize my feelings right now, it just hurts too much.

I was pregnant. Four weeks and three days pregnant.

I lost my baby today. I didn't get a chance to hold him, to feel him move inside of me, to hear his cry, to hear his laughter, to see him smile or smother him in kisses. I lost him before he became real to anyone except for me.

How do I say goodbye ... when I didn't get to say hello?

I want so bad to keep you ... how do I let you go?

I have so many dreams, so much love I want to share

There's nothing I can do ...why is life unfair?

You're my perfect angel...I dreamed you long ago

I never got to hold you but it breaks my heart to let you go

The pain and confusion I feel inside

I can not explain...I can not describe

God will rock you in your cradle and watch you as you sleep

I will love you in my heart ... it's all I get to keep

you are blessed my child ... you're in heaven up above

You'll never be alone...you have Mommy & Daddy's love

Hush my little baby...you need not ever cry

You were always wanted! I wish you didn't die

You'll be my sunshine in the daylight and the brightest star at night

Reach for God's hand and go to the light

I would rather endure the pain of losing you right now

Then the thought of you suffering thru life...we'll get thru somehow

I was blessed to have you briefly...even though I have to let you go

I wish I knew the reason but I guess I'll never know

I thought this would never happen

Husband is actually thankful for a BD break!!

To be completely honest, we both have pretty high sex drives, so TTC usually hasn't been too much of an issue for us, but I think this cycle has taken it's toll on him. He said to me Tuesday night, "Do we have to BD tonight?" That was my first clue he was getting worn out. I had a feeling I had already Oed, but I told him I wanted one more day in just to be sure.

Luckily for him, I have had a nice, clear thermal shift so I am sure I Oed and he can get a break, poor guy.

Never thought I'd see the day when Husband was pleading for abstinence ;-)

Sometimes things just suck

I don't really even know where to begin with this because I don't really know where I am with this.

Before I was even born, before I was even a thought in the mind's of either of my parents, before my parents even met, my father and his family had some issues. I won't even get in to all of the issues (to be honest, the "issues" seem to depend on which family member you talk to), but suffice it to say, it left some major rifts within the family. As time progressed, some things seemed to get slightly better, meaning people actually started talking to each other again. By the time I came along, there was something resembling a truce amongst some of them.

As tends to happen, more drama ensued (again, the actual drama depends on who you talk to) and there was more cessation of familial relationships. Put simply, a lot of my family was kept out of my life some by their own choice, some because the choice was made for them.

Now, I am losing a member of my family that I don't even know. As the prospect of mourning the loss of his life because more real by the day, I can't help but mourn the lost relationship I was not allowed to have with him because my dad was angry at other family members. I am saddened by the fact that, in my mid-twenties, there are innumerable members of my family I have never even met. When I was younger, I didn't even know they existed. The loss of this family member has reignited the mourning I have for the entire family I have never gotten a chance to really know.

When I lost my grandmother two years ago, I remember thinking, "I have no grandparents left". That isn't true. I have another grandmother and a step-grandfather. I have a grandfather and a step-grandmother. One set of them dislike and distrust me because I am my father's daughter and the hurt he inflicted has never left them. The other set got a false impression of me while I was losing my dad and after he passed. Even though I have two sets of grandparents that physically exist, I don't feel like they are real to me and I am so envious of my cousins who get to have the reality of them in their lives.

Yes, I am hormonal. The whole miscarriage thing is bothering me. Hearing that the loss of this amazing person that I've never had the privilege to meet is on the horizon has made that even worse.

Not too much cheer around this blog lately. Feel free to find a place more fun to visit.

Proclamation

I finally feel comfortable talking about this: I sought medical intervention.

Let me say, if I had my choice, I would have a midwife to care for me in the preconception, pregnancy and delivery of my child, but that isn't a feasible option for me. I'd love to give birth in one of the comforting rooms of the local birthing center, but since local to me is an hour an a half away... it isn't a good option for me.

So, heeding the advice of my doula, I went to the most AP/natural birthing friendly doctor in this area. I know, I know, seeing the words natural birth and doctor are usually polar opposites, but I have to sing the praises of this particular doctor. I have heard horror stories of OB/GYNs staring at women as though they are from another planet when they begin discussing charts, luteal phases, cervical mucus and basal body temperatures so I was very wary walking in there. In fact, as I opened the door to his office, I was shaking because I was so nervous.

For the sake of anonymity, I shall refer to him as Dr. D because my creativity has run dry at this particular point.

When he walked in (and he knocked first!), he shook my hand, introduced himself and said, "Usually the schedule gives me some clue as to why my patients are here, but they didn't give me too much insight for you, so I'll let you tell me what's going on." Very cool, very laid back. I take note of certain things where physicians are concerned and these are the things that stood out to me:

1. He never, ever interrupted me. Not once.
2. He made sure things were on my level. Now, I am a tech so he could speak to me medically and I would be cool with that, but he made sure to not speak too "doctorly" in an attempt to make the patient feel stupid as so many docs do.
3. He looked me in the eye. The. Entire. Time.
4. He wrote down everything I was saying.
5. He was familiar with NFP, charting and even was familiar with Fertility Friend.
6. He asked to see my charts, he was VERY interested in them and knowledgable about them.
7. When the subject of nursing came up, he said, "It sounds like you plan to be a breastfeeding mama. That is great!"
8. He spent an uninterrupted 30minutes (at least, 30, maybe more) talking to me, getting to know me.
9. He warmed the speculum!!!

At this point, it appears there are two possibilities: A) Husband has a low sperm count, or B) I have insufficient ovulations (I ovulate, but do not produce quality eggs). Also, because of my short LPs (what he is basing the possible insufficient ovulations on), I am at a higher risk of miscarriage, so he wants me to begin baby aspirin as soon I conceive and to be monitored closely through the first trimester.

Disclaimer: I am not Lil Miss Super Duper OB Fan, I do not think all doctors are gods, but I do think I found the exception to the rule. And I am thrilled right now.

Just need to vent

Hasty Disclaimer: If you are pregnant and reading this, please don't take offense. I am ranting and venting from a place of deep hurt and pain. This isn't directed at anyone and I do not fault anyone who has tried for a baby their joy of pregnancy and, in fact, I usually will rejoice with you. However I need to vent this, I need to release.

I am so freaking sick of seeing pregnant women! Absolutely everywhere I go I see someone who is pregnant and it rips my heart out.

My SIL recently told me her seventeen year old brother got his girlfriend pregnant at the same time SIL was going through IVF treatments to have Peanut. His girlfriend had an abortion. I am not going to get into the pro-life/pro-choice debate, but I just want to scream, "I want a baby!!! How can they get pregnant so freaking easily, when I've been hoping, praying and dreaming of a baby! It is NOT fair that she got knocked up in the backseat of some crappy sedan with a kid she didn't want and I can't get the baby I want more than anything!!"

Last night I fell asleep in Husband's arms, sobbing because I was spotting. And that just meant to me that another month was gone. Another cycle my body didn't do what it was supposed to do and get pregnant.

I am beginning to dislike my body. Innumerable other women on this planet do not have this problem. They say, "I think I'll get pregnant" and boom, it happens. I am in the end stages of my 11th cycle since I stopped using birth control. We've been actively trying since May, but we haven't used any form of birth control since December 31st, 2006.

Now, I shall end this disjointed, nonsensical sounding post and cry myself to sleep again because it just seems like the evitable end of my day since my spotting has resumed.

All Signs Point To No

Yesterday, my temp dropped.

Yesterday, I got a BFN.

Yesterday, I spotted a little after Husband and I DTD.

So why am I planning to test today? Why am I this glutton for punishment? I reason away the logical conclusion that I am not pregnant like this:

"My temp was back up a little today."

"The test was a +/- test, those are notoriously unreliable!"

"The spotting only occured after DTD and has gone away now. No sex for Husband!!"

I am normally such a common sense type gal, why can't I just see the big, glaring, green neon sign in front of me that says, "You are NOT pregnant"?

Yes, I suck

I know, I need to update this more, but my life is just plain crazy right now. If you know me well enough, you probably know about everything that is going on. If not, email me, I will gladly fill you in. :-)

Well, I finally did it. I told several people that I know well that Husband and I are trying to conceive.

I had intended to keep this to myself (and actually the pregnancy as well), but I can't. I can't because I need support. I need people that love me to be concerned for me. I need people to pray that I get pregnant. I need to be able to call someone crying because yet another cycle has failed. I need people who are there for me. Fortunately, the particular people I chose to tell have all taken an oath that whatever said at our group, stays within the group. Many secrets have been whispered within those four walls and each has been kept in the strictest of confidences.

I am blessed to know them and feel a little bit better knowing they are concerned for me and there for me. Because, let's face it, as much as Husband loves me, he does not understand why I am devastated at the end of each cycle. It is something I definitely need the support of women for.

Oh my word!

By all appearances, I've ovulated already!

I can't be entirely certain as I haven't had my third consecutive high temp, but by the looks of my chart, it seems entirely possible. I'm also avoiding the OPKs this cycle. They stressed me out far more than my temps alone did, so I am taking a break from them.

Thank goodness I went with gut feeling rather than my BD plan in regards to DTD. I had no intentions of DTD on Sunday because I usually O on CD14 and wanted to wait until CD12 to DTD, giving the sperm plenty of time to build back up. But, after six years of marriage, dh knows the right buttons to push and well... my good intentions went right out the window!!

So far, this is the most relaxed cycle I've had. Perhaps I'm too busy in every other area of my life to properly obsess, but, at least for now, I am being much better about staying laid back and stress-free.

Sticking things in certain areas gets me excited.

Basically because I am weird.

This cycle I've decided to begin temping vaginally. After receiving some great advice from one board I frequent, and being advised to wait until after AF to begin temping vaginally (good thing too because the thought of temping vaginally while on AF skeeved me out), I'll start tomorrow.

Proactively doing something different - doing something better if you will - has given me a glimpse of hope. I just pray it carries me through this cycle.

Been silent, been depressed

Gotta say, I've tried so hard to not get in to that angry/depressive mind set when yet another cycle ended in a BFN and the eventual emergence of AF, but it hasn't quite worked.

My heart is aching for a baby. I feel silly because it's like I am missing, almost grieving, for someone who doesn't exist.

Song lyrics make me burst in to tears at random. Movies and TV shows have me misty-eyed constantly. The few friends who know we are TTC and approach me asking how things are going are met with an overly emotional Krissy, something they have never seen before.

I try to keep my faith strong and continue to believe that God has a plan for me and would not have given me this deep love and desire for a child if he didn't have one planned for me, whether my biological child or adopted child. I am trying to stay upbeat, to remain positive, hopeful, all those flowery adjectives that are so easy to use in platitudes, but I must be honest and say my heart aches right now.

I so admire and respect the women who struggle for years with infertility. I have been going through months, more months than I told anyone about, of negative tests and heart wrenching AF arrivals and it's so emotionally draining. I can't imagine how difficult years of compounding frustration must be.

Hi, my name is Krissy and I'm a shopaholic

But I always get things super, super cheap, does that still make me bad?

What's prompting this post is that I am making my biggest baby-related purchase today. I know it is supposed to be "bad luck" to buy baby stuff before the baby is born and especially before you even have a positive HPT, but there were extenuating circumstances with this one.

Thursday I, for whatever reason, decided to stop at the consignment store near my house. When I walked in, I immediately went to a stroller/car seat travel system sitting out in the middle of the room. It is this type in a different pattern (but, thankfully, a very gender neutral pattern), it is brand new, still has the box with it, all tags still on it and it was originally purchased from Babies R Us (and yes, there is a quality difference in items purchased from cheaper stores).

On the BRU website, this particular item retails for $229. And I am paying? A whopping $40.

So really, for that price, I couldn't leave this great find there. Once we are blessed with a little one (please, God, let it be this cycle), we will have one major purchase already taken care of.

And yes, I have been buying baby clothes, but ONLY on super sale (i.e. gender neutral jeans for fifty cents). Oh and maybe some maternity items (for a dollar or two a piece).

Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm obsessed.

I love my doula

I've had a hard time dealing with the fact it's not entirely feasible for me to deliver under my ideal settings (a birthing center). And that's because I live in such a backwards area. The few AP people I have found around here agree that this area is extremely ignorant of the AP lifestyle. I actually was having a conversation with someone where I mentioned co-sleeping and actually had a mother of six look at me and say, "What's that?" Even those in LLL in this area are mainstream (especially by LLL standards).


Add that to the fact homebirths are illegal, midwives who will practice homebirths are few and far between (and all far from me), my choices are limited to getting a doctor locally who is as AP-friendly as possible or a midwife center that is 1hr 30min away. I am scared of having a hospital birth. It's not what I want. But the 1hr 30 min commute (and this is under the assumption there is no traffic whatsoever. In Pittsburgh. Bwahahaha) to the midwife center scares me as well.

My doula has been a great comfort with this. She's promised to be my advocate and support during labor (and enabling and encouraging Husband to stand up when he needs to) to give me the labor that is closest to my desired labor as is possible in a hospital setting. She's even willing to go to any prenatal visits if Husband can't attend due to work (which is very possible in the end when visits are weekly).

If I needed another reason to absolutely adore her, I found out this week she makes slings. As soon as I saw her with the one she was giving to a mother in our church, she said, "Don't worry, I'm already planning to make one for you."

I *heart* my doula

Dates and thoughts

I know that if I get pregnant this month (and please, God, let it be so!), I would be due in May. I love that because my birthday is in May. I love Emeralds, so my Mother's ring (or necklace or whatever) will have at least one stone in it I love.

I figured I'd play around with due dates and went to one of the websites that calculates it for you. Well, it calculates it based on your LMP, however I'm ovulating later this month than I normally do, so the date of conception is wrong. Based on the dates they gave me, I added the missing days to it (I'm Oing today) and came up with some interesting dates:

My EDD would be May 25, 2008. My birthday.

The end of my first trimester would be November 9, 2007. My dad's birthday.

I really need to get off of here and start cleaning, but I had to point that out. Even if it's only to myself.

The Husband, he's funny

A while ago, he came home with a piece from the paper (the Dear Abby section, I have no clue why he was reading that particular section) about breastfeeding and said, "Thought you'd be interested in this." Kinda surprised me because it was tough to convince him, initially, of the benefits of exclusive breastfeeding. He really wanted to be able to feed the baby, but I showed him all the data and also told him that since I'd be solely in charge of feedings for the first year or so, we could make bath time "Daddy time". 100% bonding between Dad & baby, no interference from Mom.

Today he came home with two additional articles. Neither provided me with any new info, but was totally new for him. The first was about teaching infants sign language and he said, "Do you think we should do this?" I smiled and said, "We were going to."

The second article was about living diaper-free. He said, "I'm shocked you don't want to do this." I explained to him that I did, but with as difficult as the concept of cloth diapers was for him to handle, I figured being diaper-free would be too much for him to handle. I've learned to pick my battles and, even though I'd like to at least attempt it, I don't feel so passionate about this that I would fight for it like I do about exclusive bfing, not circing and selective vaccination. He shrugged and said, "Well, it sounds interesting." Coming from Husband, that's darn near a ringng endorsement!

I gotta say, I *heart* the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for these articles. I think the husband may be becoming crunchy :-D

Lines excite me

Even the ones on the OPKs. Even when the test line is veeery, veeery faint which means it's negative.

I can't exactly explain how I feel about positive HPTs since... well... I haven't experienced that yet, but getting a positive OPK makes me downright giddy.

First of all, I am happy because I know my body is doing something right. I'm having some serious body issues right now (after a lifetime of hating my body, losing weight made me like and appreciate it for the first time. Not getting pregnant within the first three cycles is making me dislike my body again), so any consolation that it is doing something right is a good thing. Secondly, I know I have the hope of pregnancy, knowing we've timed our BD right, knowing I've followed all the leads my body has given me.

And the veeery, veeery faint test line on the OPK makes me happy because I know my body pretty well by now and I know that signals ovulation right around the corner. My OPKs stay stark white until about 1-2 days before I ovulate, so that beginning of a line that I need to use a microscope and special lighting to see is my signal to listen even more carefully to my body and follow all of it's commands.

This month, so far, looks like a very good month stress wise. Husband and I's getaway last night was the most relaxed I have been for a long, long time. In addition the exceptionally sweet, edifying things he said to me helped calm and soothe me.

Here goes!

Anniversaries, temperatures and cramping, oh my!

Tomorrow is Husband and I's sixth wedding anniversary. I wrote a huge bit about it on my MySpace page, and will probably post something more in detail on here tomorrow or Sunday, but right now I just want to make that announcement. After last year, I am surprised, proud and thankful we are celebrating our sixth anniversary and truly celebrating this year.

As for the rest of it, my temps have begun to get slightly erratic and, although my OPKs have consistantly been negative, I've had some odd cramping on my left side. It's very early for me to O, but I am taking Vitex this cy, so who knows what that's doing to my body.

I am praying intensely for this cycle. My brother's visit has been rescheduled to the end of Sept/beginning of Oct so I have another chance to tell them, in person, that I am pregnant. I would find out about the pregnancy, roughly, around Grandparent's Day, which would be a great way to announce it to my mom and Husband's parents. Also, the baby would be due in May, my birth month.

There is so much right about this, I can't stand to think of it going wrong.

And as corny as it sounds, I think I am falling in love with a person that hasn't been conceived yet. I know that's not truly possible, but I am falling in love with the hope of the person that may be to come. If that makes any sense at all, then it needs no further explanation. If it makes no sense at all, I don't think I can accurately describe it to you.

Anyone have a Band-Aid for my tongue?

At the current rate I'm going, I'll need it from biting it so much.

I love my little Peanut. He's such a sweet, pleasant little boy and, best of all, he loves to cuddle with Auntie Krissy. The other day the three of us (him, me and his mother) were at Olive Garden for lunch when he began to get fussy. I told his mom to stay put and enjoy her meal while I took care of him. I picked him up and he just cuddled right into me. We sat for fifteen minutes just cuddling. I adore those moments with him because I know in a few months he will want to crawl and explore rather than cuddle.

But the reason for the tongue biting is his mother. While we were shopping for Peanut's christening outfit, the topic of godparents came up. Now, Peanut's dad is Catholic, his mom is Presbyterian, they want him to be christened in both churches so he can make a choice about what religion he wants to be a part of when he grows up.

Obviously, in the Catholic church, he has to have Catholic godparents. I asked if they were going to have the same godparents for his Presbyterian christening, she said no.

Perhaps it was forward of me, but I assumed Husband and I would be the natural choice for godparents if religion were not an issue. We have seen Peanut at least 4 or 5 times a month since he was born, we saw him when he was five days old, we were his first baby-sitters and even his parents have commented on how happy Peanut is when I am with him, holding him and playing with him. All this, in addition to the fact Husband and BIL are such close, inseparable friends, they refer to one another as brother rather than friend (Husband even calls BIL's mom his other mom) would translate to godparent status to me, right?

Wrong.

SIL informed me that they have chosen friends who have seen Peanut a total of two times in his entire five months on this earth, who live five hours away and who have known BIL & SIL a lot less time than Husband and I have.

All that is to say, I understand it's the parent's choice to pick whoever they want to be their child's godparents, I'm not faulting them for that, I'm just saying I am very hurt it wasn't me. And by the sounds of their comments, we weren't even considered for that position.

Perhaps it's the emotions of TTC. Perhaps I am overly emotional because of the supplements, but I have spent a lot of time crying over the fact they are asking someone else to be his godparents.

A reason for defeat

Okay, so I'm a great one for rationalizing things. Rationalizing anything, really (which gives me a great excuse for POAS at a mere 9dpo).

The more I've been contemplating this last cycle, the more I've found a reason to be thankful it failed. As I've mentioned before, this is my fifth cycle, so that means I've had four previous, unsuccessful cycles. With that bit of information in mind, peruse the following quote from a website:

Another word for folic acid is folate. It's a vitamin in the B-class. It's suggested to take 400-800 mcg of folic acid starting three to four months before conception to decrease the risk of fetal malformations. There is a more than 50% reduction of many fetal malformations if the mother takes folic acid during the first two to three months. Taking folic acid has no effect on your fertility.

So there is a great reason to have not gotten a BFP until now. I've actually taken folic acid for the past four years, but I've taken it on a consistant basis for only the past four months. Yay for me.

Lack of Recognition

Sometimes, I find I don't recognize myself anymore.

I've become obsessed with trying to have a child. I don't mean it in the cutesy sense, I mean it in the very literal, I need a medical diagnosis kind of obsessed. I feel like there is a huge piece of the puzzle of Krissy that is missing, the "Mother" piece. However, in the search for that piece, I've lost another piece of me: my sanity.

My time online is mostly spent searching for more natural supplements to aide in fertility for both dh and myself. I went shopping today and walked out of the mall with a diaper bag (in my defense, it was adorable and only five bucks). When I went to yard sales last week, I specifically went looking for baby clothes.

I think I have a little bit more than just a case of baby fever. And I need to get a grip on it, quickly.

Can it really be that long already?

Today while I was picking up my new glasses, I stopped at Vitamin World and picked up some Vitex. I'm excited to start it and it's really made me more optimistic about this cycle. I don't know why something so simple has me so happy, but whatever keeps me out of the pit that I easily fall in to following a failed cycle is a good thing.

After I came home with my newly acquired Vitex, I decided to chronicle what supplements I've used on my TTC journey, cycle by cycle, on my FF chart homepage. It was then that I realized just how long we've been TTC

Cycle #1 (5/2/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex
Cycle #2 (5/29/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex
Cycle #3 (6/23/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex, OPKs
Cycle #4 (7/19/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex, Royal Jelly, OPKs
Cycle #5 (8/15/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex, Royal Jelly, Vitex, OPKs

Yep, this is my fifth cycle. Color me shocked.

I've officially decided I've been TTC for long enough, I'd like my BFP now, please.

Something good

I'm trying to concentrate on taking some bit of "good" away from each cycle, no matter what the ending of it may be, happy or sad.

This cycle is ending sadly. I saw multiple stark white BFNs this cycle, despite the symptoms that made me so hopeful. I'm finding myself desperately wanting to cry. I feel that deep need to sit down and have a nice long crying jag.

However, I can see something good that came from this cycle. My temps were higher throughout the entire cycle and my LP temps were much more consistent. Last month they were very erratic. Consistency is helpful when TTC, so I am happy about this.

No updates, really

Have tested thrice, same response. Obviously an unfavorable one.

HOWEVER...

I am only 11dpo. I am testing too early. I am obsessed.

One reason I tested so early: I want to announce the pregnancy to dh in one specific way which requires him to leave the house before me, preferrably when I am still in bed. That won't happen again until Thursday, so I was trying to find out this weekend.

I also have fairly short LPs (around twelve days, which spotting that begins at 11dpo), so I thought that the test would work for me, even though it's so early.

I bought a three pack of tests, used them all. Today, after church, I had to run to the grocery store for some ingredients for dinner and also for my lunch stuff for next week. It was inevitable that I buy a test (even though I dislike buying tests at this particular store because they are so pricey).

Now, to muster the patience to NOT test until later in the week...

Playing the name game

Husband and I have had a difficult time agreeing on baby names. Well, boy's names to be exact. We had agreed on two girls' names, complete with middle names, but we have so many friends with children of the same names, we changed our minds. Now, we have one girl's name, first and middle, but are still having a raging boy's name battle.

Husband is Italian. He wants our son to have a very Italian name. He has suggested Rocco. Yes, I am serious.

The other night we were watching TV together and an Italian couple was on with their four children, all with very Italian names.

Krissy: "I like the name Gianni"

Husband: "Ew"

Krissy: "Well, do you have a better suggestion?"

Husband: "Marcello" big cheesy grin

Krissy: "Here we go again"

I'm pregnant

Online Pregnancy Test

Krissy, you're going to be the proud parent of a baby girl, and just look-
isn't she just so damn cute! Based on our remote test results, your beautiful
baby girl will weigh about 6 lbs, 10 oz and have blonde hair and gray eyes.
Truly a Wonder To Behold!

Oh come now, you couldn't truly think I'd proclaim pregnancy is such an unmomentous (my own personal made up word) way!

This needed to be highlighted

One of the ladies on my message board has this in her sig and I love it. Major props to her for putting it there:

*Don't complain about being pregnant, just be happy that you are*

Yeah, I suck

I haven't updated my blog in a week and a day. Mea culpa and all that jazz.

I'm a much happier girl than the last time I posted. Despite some insanity at my job, I've been able to fulfill all the BD requirements this cycle. And I've been taking my supplements 2-3 times a day like a good little obsessive compsulsive TTCer.

I'm currently taking:

• Prenatal Vitamins
• Robitussin
• Royal Jelly
• B Complex

My only issue is, what if I don't get pregnant this cycle? I don't know what else to do, what to add to my regimine next cycle to increase my chances. Yes, yes I know, I should leave well enough alone and "just relax" (FTR, anyone TTC hates that phrase. Please refrain from giving it as advice), but I want to be a mommy!

I'm a planner and, almost as much as the possibility of not being pregnant, I dislike not knowing what I am doing next. I have a close friend who is incredibly wise in herbal fertility aides, perhaps I can hit her up for advice if this doesn't work.

Ugh, I hate the unknown.

Lying

To myself, that is.

I just made a confession on True Mom Confessions. I cried the entire time I typed it. I cried as I read confessions from moms. I cried because some were beautiful and sweet. I cried because some had me questioning why these incompetent people could be parents and not me.

I lie and tell myself that I'm okay that I'm not pregnant.

I lie and tell Husband, when his disappointment in the BFN is as evident as mine, that the next cycle will be the cycle.

I lie when I smile and say I'm not going to let it get me down.

Not me. Not now.

I feel very repetitious. That's right kiddies, I am not pregnant this cycle.

I can never be patient. I can never just wait to see what happens. I have to further the torture, to increase the pain by ignoring the temperature dip, ignoring the singular line on the pregnancy test and then decompensating when I get out of my shower to find AF in full force.

I sent Husband a text message because I couldn't bear to actually tell him, "I'm not pregnant."

I know I sound awfully dramatic, but this negative hit me so hard.

A little retail therapy today helped, but it's still difficult. Oh, and the retail therapy included me buying two pairs of maternity pants. Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. In my defense, they were 75% off and will be of major use whenever I finally see those two lines.

There are bright sides to this BFN, there really are and I may get in to those at a later date, but right now I just feel the need to wallow. It's okay if I wallow, right?

Not so much now

I truly was hopeful at the beginning of the cycle. Moreso when I noticed some favorable changes in my chart.

But now I've been analyzing my chart. Okay, the correct word would be "0ver-analyzing". Based on my chart, based on what I'm seeing, I don't think it's the cycle. My temps are way too low to indicate a successful cycle.

Even my logical side is conflicted, though. As I look at my chart and note the low temps, I also remind myself that I am currently only 8dpo. Ruling myself out at this point is not only premature, but opening myself up to unnecessary heartache. Wait until the unfortunate arrival of AF or a negative test before becoming upset.

I'm trying not to fall into that familiar pit of despair I went to everytime over the past two years I realized we had to prolong trying for a baby for one reason or another. I've wanted a baby for so long, having to delay TTC hurt me a little more each time. Now, facing the reality of a BFN, even if it is only in my second month, hurts even worse.

All props to women who suffer years of infertility. Two cycles and my heart is aching, you all have my deepest respect.

"Cause it’s all in my head, I think about it over and over again"

If fertilization occured, it is highly improbable that implantation has happened and it is the implantation that triggers all the hormonal changes that begin the pregnancy symtoms.

And yet, even with this bit of knowledge tucked away in my little brain, I still am creating these imaginary symptoms. Increased appetite, frequent urination, stomach cramps in the muscles.

Sheesh, I have nine more days of this. This will not be good.

Deep, calming breath

I feel very good about this cycle.

This blog is full of TMI, so I won't even give that warning, but if you are a family member of mine or Husband's, perhaps it would be beneficial to stop reading... ASAP.

After Husband and I bd last night (following my very first positive OPK), about 45 minutes later, I had very distinct O pains. The only difference this that I can usually feel which side they are on, this time I felt them on both sides. Yes, I know what I am implying by saying that, but it was clearly Mittelschmerz and clearly on both sides.

I know even with perfect timing and perfect conditions, there is only a 25% chance of conception, but I feel so optimistic that this cycle is going to work. I don't quite know why, but I just do.

Optimism –noun 1. a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.

I have hope.

I wasn't a complete mess after the last cycle, I know it may have come across as such, but I truly wasn't. Even before entering my first cycle, I told myself the chances of conception occurring on the first try were slim to none. While I stayed realistic, some disappointment hit me along with the hormones of AF making me downright pissy.

This month was going along quite swimmingly with my new thermometer and all, until Sunday night's fireworks display. It's been insanely cold here at night and was rather cool all day Sunday, the one day we had planned to be out in the weather. So, yeah, I'm sick. Which means my temps are all screwed up which means my chart is all screwed up.

Thank God for the power of OPKs. Yesterday's OPK was just a very faint second line that would have taken my doctor's 90D lens to view. This morning's test line was definitely there, but lighter than the control line.

However, this evening's test was the same as the control line. I plan to retest once more tonight before Husband gets home, hoping it will be positive. Thankfully, in spite of the sickness I'll be able to tell my approximate O date.

I feel, for some reason, very positive, very optimistic about this cycle.

Here goes nothing!

Holding patterns suck

In the message boards I'm on and of all the blinkies I've seen, much is made of the "two week wait" post ovulation until testing time. But I am currently in the midst of another kind of two week wait, waiting to ovulate.

I really dislike this wait. At least after I ovulate I have the "I've done all I can do, now it's my turn to trust God and trust my body and let go". Right now I feel such pressure to monitor every idiosyncrasy of my body so that I don't overlook an ovulation symptom to make sure our BD timing is correct. And last month I missed the cues and, while our BD timing wasn't horrible, it obviously wasn't good enough.

This particular point in my cycle makes me beat myself up expecting perfection, and an almost ESP like ability to time my BD correctly. Yes, I chart religiously and even use those blasted OPKs that counfound me monthly, but I still feel like I am under such pressure right now. BION, the two week post O wait is much more relaxing for me.

I am just weird like that ;-)

Wow, just, wow

Warning, if you're sensitive and emotional, please don't view this video.

There is a brief mention of abortion, not in the song, but on a card in the video. I'm not making a political debate about abortion with this, the rest of the song and video are amazingly moving regardless of your stance on this issue.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Yay for new stuff

It's amazing how happy new stuff can make me.

Today is the first day of a semi-vacation from work (we wound up adding two work days that we were supposed to have off because our patient load is just too heavy). I fulfilled my duty to mankind by doing my biweekly apheresis donation, my contribution to making the world a better place and helping those in need.

Afterwards heralded a trip to the store to get that most sought after instrument known as the Basal Body Thermometer. And I was especially ecstatic to find one that saved my last temp (in case my mind can't process the theory of writing things down at 5:30am), had an LCD light in it AND was less than I was planning to pay for it. Yay me. Oh and a brand spankin' new box of thermometer covers also cost less than what I was planning on paying for it.

In addition to the thermometer, I finally found the square cream-colored candles I had been searching for to complete my coffee table centerpiece and bought a new journal. Mmmm add some caffeine and I'd be in ecstasy.

Recooperating

I was a little surprised at how deeply I took the unfavorable outcome of my last cycle (which was my first cy TTC, so I am trying to keep my perspective).

At first it was just mild disappointment. In the "oh well, the odds aren't with me and there is always next month" kind of way.

But some things have been happening in my life lately. Things I really can't post on a blog, but things I have told some close friends about. Since blogs are easily searachable, I don't want this whole ordeal to be found. Suffice it to say there are two people in my life doing something awful and making it impossible to be around them. My "way out" of dealing with this situation would be to achieve this pregnancy. I don't mean I want to get pg just to get out. I want to get pg because I want a baby, I want to be a mother. However, the fact that a pregnancy would have the additional bonus of helping me out of this situation.

So now I have a secondary reason to want this baby. I called Husband yesterday and said, "I hope you're planning on knocking me up this time because this whole thing is getting out of hand."

Not a member of Club A

I'm neither completely surprised nor upset.

I'm disappointed.

Yeah, I'm not one of the "pregnant our first month" people.

Honestly, I'm not super emotional over this. The best word is disappointed. I am not upset that our first month of TTC didn't yield the desired benefit, I'm upset because I want a baby. It's difficult to articulate the deep desire I have for a baby, but it gets deeper daily.

In my usual fashion, however, I will cuddle Peanut until I'm blessed with a little one of my own.

These signs weren't on my driver's exam

I swear, during this nerve-wracking time known as the two week wait, absolutely everything that happens to your body is a sign.

I'm speaking of myself when I make this judgemental statement. Increased urination? I'm pregnant. Feeling gassy? A clearer sign than EPT. Increased appetite? Let's go buy maternity clothes.

I've even begun analyzing every nuance of my body, looking for something out of the ordinary. After all, not every woman has identical pregnancy symptoms. Many have something that is unique to them which signals pregnancy. So the odd vibration sensations in my lower stomach? An obvious sign.

Husband reminded me today of my mom's ability to stop her birth control medicine, declare "I want a baby now" and get pregnant. He also reminded me of the long line of accidental pregnancies in my family.

He thinks our first month may be our last. I would love for him to be right.

How Much Does A Baby Cost?

After entering those words into Google, I found this fantastic link. Such a shame more people haven't broken it down like this in their minds.

Budget Worksheet For Baby

Great, great resource.

In other news: OPK went from a very, very faint line to stark white today. Joy!

Grrrr at...

• OPKs. I am continually getting negative OPKs, but tonight while I was standing at the sink doing dishes, I got a very distinct ovulation pain on my left side. I guess tomorrow's temps will tell me for sure, but I am almost certain I ovulated today, whether or not my OPK agrees.
  
• My brother. As annoyed as I am that my neice is expecting before I am, he promised to send the 3-D, color ultrasound she had done recently. He promised to email it on Saturday. Today is Monday. No email.
  
• The local hospital. For incorrectly billing me for bloodwork. Twice.
  

I'm in an unhappy mood. Promise happier things tomorrow, stay tuned.

A whole new kind of date

When I was dating, I would excitedly mark the the calendar when I had a date planned and stare at the big red circle constantly. Shocking that I treated a date with such obsession, huh?

At this stage in my life, dates means something totally different, but the same obsession still applies. Right now my world revolves around temperatures, ovulation dates, how many days I am past ovulation, implantation dipping and missed periods.

Although I haven't even had a positive OPK yet (and don't get me started on that complaint), I decided to calc a possible due date, for the humor of it all. I'd be due in March. I'm cool with that.

And, interestingly enough, if this and the next cycle follow suit and are exactly like they should be (commence with the laughter... now!), my due date if I get pg next cycle would be my SIL and niece's bday. Lovely.

I knew I loved Dr. Sears for a reason!

Disclaimer: This entire post will sound very self-righteous and judgemental of me. Even moreso than my normal critiques of the parenting styles of BrotherB and SIL. However, this is my blog, my place to complain :-)

A friend of mine asked me the other day if I felt BrotherB was a good influence on Husband. My initial reaction is yes. BB has taught Husband a lot and has been an invaluable source of help numerous times. But something interesting occured after the appearance of Peanut. BB's influence on Husband has become more of a lesson in what not to do than in good parenting techniques. Husband frequently comments that he feels Peanut is more of an accessory for BB & SIL than a child. Sadly, I have to agree.

Unfortunately, Husband doesn't pick up on all the things and now feels that certain ways they parent are the only possible choices. More specifically, he thinks it's impossible to raise a child without a pacifier. When Husband disagrees with me on something, I fall back on my research-a-holic tendencies. We recently went over the cloth diaper vs disposable diaper issue. His inbox was filled with statistics, reports and articles within three hours :-)

So while in search of an article that would highlight the problems with pacifiers and alternatives that soothe as well without adversely affecting breastfeeding, I came across this resource on Dr. Sears' website, in particular, this point:

Times To Pull The Plug:
As habitual substitutes for nurturing. Ideally, pacifiers are for the comfort of babies, not the convenience of parents (but I have yet to meet the ideal parent or the ideal baby and, believe it or not, you probably won't meet any on this site.) To insert the plug and leave baby in the plastic infant seat every time he cries is unhealthy reliance on an artificial comforter. This baby needs picking up and holding. Always relying on an alternative peacemaker lessens the buildup of baby's trust in the parents and denies the parents a chance to develop baby comforting skills. Pacifiers are meant to satisfy intense sucking needs, not to delay or replace nurturing. A person should always be at the other end of a comforting tool. The breast (or the
finger) has the built-in advantage of making sure you don't fall into the habit of just plugging up the source of the cries as a mechanical gesture. When baby cries, if you find yourself, by reflex, reaching for the pacifier instead of reaching for your baby, pull the plug – and lose it.

Husband loves getting emails from me :-)

Okay egg, where might you be hiding?

I'm getting impatient.

Wait, that's not true. To say I am getting impatient implies I was patient to begin with!

I took my very first OPK today and expected to see a faint test line, indicating that, while not yet surging, my LH was on an upward turn. With OPKs a few days before ovulation, you get faint test lines because the LH is building, then the test line becomes darker than the control line when you're actually about to ovulate (about 24-48 hours before ovulation).

Unfortunately, there was not even a tiny, faint line.

Granted I don't trust OPKs implicitly, but still I was hoping to get a little signal saying, "Okay, Krissy, your O date is coming!"

Sigh. If I'm this bad in the ovulation wait, the 2ww is going to be interesting.

That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

I've begun to think (because I'm not overanalyzing the entire TTC process enough, I need to begin overanalyzing my unconceived child's life) about what my kids will call me.

I decided when Husband and I were first married that my children would call his parents Nonna and Nonno, Italian for Grandma and Grandpa, respectively. My neices call my mom Grams and, if that's her preference, she's more than welcome to have my kids call her that. Basically what my kids call my mom is totally up to her.

Husband wants to be Daddy. He is in love with the title and can't wait to hear it.

Me? No clue. I have a very specific title for my mom and think it would be adorable for my kids to call me the same thing, but it's a title I came by. I can't tell you where I got it, I can't tell you when it started, but I began calling her it a very, very long time ago and have ever since. Interestingly enough, although not prompted or suggested that I call her it, my mother adores the nickname.

I'm not married to one specific title and I think it will be interesting how I address myself and how, eventually, my child addresses me.

As long as it's not a word I'd be embarrassed to have them call out loudly in the grocery and as long as they don't call me by my first name (a huge pet peeve of mine), I'll just be thankful to be their parent.

In my very best Chandler Bing voice...

Could AF be any longer? Honestly, she's hanging out forever. Am currently on CD7 and still spotting.

Time is going incredibly slow.

Upsides though:

Husband, who is not a reader (shocking that I married the guy, I love to read) has actually agreed to read some books about fatherhood and parenting. Because of our faith and the parenting philosophies that I plan to use, I purchased some books by Dr. Sears the other day and Husband has been actively reading them with no prompting from me.

When AF began, Husband said, "As upset as I am that your at that time, for obvious reasons, I am also thrilled. This means it's really beginning."

Retail therapy, especially that in which I get good deals, does wonders for my disposition. Saturday I bought a whole bunch of summer clothes at Kohl's for the whopping total of $25.84 (five shorts for me, one shirt for Husband). The shopping spree then spilled over to Target, where I picked up three pairs of shorts and a pair of capris for another $25.00.

Go me!

Why must I torture myself by reading?

So after purchasing* some OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) I began to wonder, as my overactive mind tends to do, when the best time would be to take said OPK. Now, I had just assumed that it would be first thing in the AM as you do with HPTs.

Au contraire.

Google, she is a helpful thing. And she provided me with this site, which gave me this info:

Q: What time of day should I test?
A: The best time to test is 2 p.m., or as close as possible. Anytime between noon and 8 p.m. is fine, first morning urine is not recommended. The reason for this is that most women experience a surge in the morning, but it can take 4 hours for it to show up in your urine.
Make sure to test at about the same time every day.

And further perusal of said site led to reading this:

Q: I used an OPK, my timing was perfect, why didn't I get pregnant?
A: It often takes a number of perfectly timed cycles before pregnancy is achieved. The chances of getting pregnant each cycle varies a bit with age. If you are 20-25, your chance per cycle are about 25%. From there they begin to fall off. At 25-30 your chances are about 20%. At 30-35 they are about 15%. After 35 they may be about 10% per ovulatory cycle, and the chances continue the downward trend.
This means that the average woman under 30 will get pregnant within 6 cycles. If you don't succeed after a year, it is a good idea to consult a fertility specialist. Women in their early 30s get pregnant on average by the end of 9 cycles. Mid-30s would be a year. If you are over 35, you should consult a fertility specialist if you have not achieved pregnancy within 6 months. Why 6 months when it can take a year? Because your chances of conception are lower and miscarriage rates are higher -- it is better not to waste time.

Okay, bad, bad idea for me to read that. Only a 25% chance of getting pg each cycle? I knew it wasn't a supremely high chance, but twenty-five???

Yeah, my over active anxiety levels just can't handle that kind of information.

Announcement questions

I have been thinking a lot about who to tell I am pregnant, when to tell them and how to tell them.

Obviously Husband will be the second to know (I'm kinda the first;-). I have a few ideas in mind of how to announce it to him, but I'm still not exactly sure. I love the idea of making it an event rather than just simply saying, "I'm pregnant!" But depending on how excited I am, I may just blurt it out!

I am betting on my mom being next in line. She lives next door to us now and is one of my best friends. We are super close and I can't imagine waiting longer than a day to tell her. However, again, I want to tell her in a special way, so we shall see if I can contain myself long enough to go through with the plan.

Husband will probably tell his parents. In all honesty, with their personalities and mindset, I will just probably buy them some flowers or something similar, not making it quite the event my mom will have.

As far as our friends go, I doubt we will do any sort of formal announcing. Husband will probably call his brother immediately because that's just how they are. Actually, Husband will probably blurt it out to all of our friends, he's just so excited.

My only concern is telling too many people too soon and something going wrong. I know it's very dark of me to even consider a miscarriage, but it is a reality that should be considered. I don't know if I could handle all the sympathy I'd get. Not that I wouldn't appreciate being comforted, but hearing "I'm so sorry" or "Is there anything I can do?" from twenty-five people can be overwhelming. I am fortunate to have compassionate friends, but hearing repetitive condolences would be hard.

Have I mentioned I tend to overanalyze?

Not usually an excitable event

I've never been too thrilled at the appearance of AF. Or, more accurately, the signs of approaching AF.

But I started spotting tonight and got an immediate big goofy grin on my face. By spotting I don't mean the microscopic false spotting I thought I saw last night, I mean the real deal which hails the imminent arrival of AF in the next day or two.

I haven't taken down my countdown ticker just yet, I want to wait until AF comes in full force, but I think that will occur tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm a giddy, giddy, giddy girl.

I feel kind of like I am standing on a precipice. As I sit alone in my living room reality is surrounding me like a cloud. I don't mean to sound overly dramatic, but for some reason the realization hitting me when I'm alone has made it more profound to me and awaken the poet inside, hence the epodic ramblings.

Problem #3,295 with outsourcing

I'm not going to get in to a political debate about party vs party, or agenda vs agenda, I'm just going to rant about outsourcing, big companies and how they are giving me a headache.

Prior to our move, we had a PO box address. After we moved, we retained the PO box for a while and slowly began changing our bills over to the new address to do it in something resembling a controlled fashion so nothing would get missed. Or so we thought.

We changed one particular credit card last and decided to wait until after the holidays to change it... just in case. We haven't received a bill from them since March. We got a phone call today saying our card was past due. Why? Because we haven't received a bill!

Interestingly enough, when I was speaking to the person about the bill, she asked me to confirm my address since I claimed I hadn't received a bill. Now, I bet you are thinking that they didn't change the address, right? Umm, no, they changed it. To something not even close to what the old or new address is! They took our street number, made it a PO Box instead, didn't change the city, but changed the zip code!

I was not a happy camper. To make me even more unhappy, the person I was speaking to obviously did not speak English as her first language. Heck, I can't even say it was her second language as I had to slowly spell out the word "Old" for her. Twice. And then I demanded to talk to a CSR who speaks English in order to get these ridiculous late fees removed from our account.

Grrrr, good thing I am stressing prior to TTC or being pg. This would NOT be good for the baby.

How you know you have a problem

As I've said before, Husband and I have used NFP as our chosen method of birth control for many years. As such, I've become well used to checking the TP for CM and/or spotting. It's pretty much a habit now.

Tonight, I analyzed and scrutinized that poor TP to death, holding it up to the light and trying to convince myself there was a streak of pink on it denoting the onset of AF.

There was no streak. If there was truly a streak of pink, it would take a 90 diopter lens in order to really see it.

This is the first time in my life I have been praying to get my period, wanting desperately to have a fresh cycle so I can get on with the process of TTC. I feel like I am in such a holding pattern right now.

Okay, so in my time zone I only have 1.5 more hours in this day and then it will be CD27, some spotting should definitely be present.

Best. Book. Ever.

My doula (okay, I am not even pregnant yet, but she will be my doula, so I am just going to call her that) recommended a book to me when I was talking to her about TTC. I've raved about this book before, but I must again highlight something of brilliance from Sheila Kitzinger's The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth.

About labor pain: "The important thing to understand is that for most women the pain of labor is different from the pain of injury. Some women describe it as "positive pain" or "pain with a purpose".

I admit, like any normal woman who has not experienced childbirth or labor before, I am scared. I want to have an unmedicated delivery. It's just the better option for mother and child, if it's possible. But I am scared I can't do it. Terrified may be a better word.

I don't really trust myself to handle the pain, to deliver my child. I'm working on that. I know that believing in myself and believing in the capability of my body is one of the most important components of achieving the delivery I want, so I am trying to get to that place. Reading that quote, however, has done a lot to settle me and make me think that I really can do this.

I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

Why do I feel the sudden urge to start chanting "Girl Power!"?

Five days, people. Let the insanity begin.

The birthday, recapped

I know the premise of this blog is all baby related, but since I will be the housing unit for said future child for 40 (hopefully) weeks and it's nourishment until he/she decides to wean, I think I could do a little Krissy talk for a bit.

Okay, Krissy whine is more appropriate.

Yesterday was my birthday. Now, this was not a monumental birthday, i.e. it wasn't my 10th, 13th, 16th, 18th, 21st or 30th bday, but it was still the anniversary of the date I entered the world.

As usual my mom went above and beyond just because she's my mom and is happier than anyone else that I am alive.

My doctor and coworkers remembered my bday (the truth is, I think my coworkers only remember anyone else on staff's bday because it means the doctor will buy us lunch and cake). And, in his usual fashion, my doctor closely examined my face for wrinkles. What a charmer.

Husband, however, disappointed me. For many years now, I've received a dozen roses from him, delivered to my work on my birthday (or close to it). Not this year. And when I was asked by people what he got me for my birthday, all I could say was, "Nothing." Not even a card.

Now, when he got home from work he brought me a dozen roses, but they appeared to have been bought last minute and weren't the perkiest roses if you know what I mean.

In his defense, he promised me that next weekend, when we have some free time to go shopping together, he wants to buy me new clothes for summer as none of my clothes from last year fit anymore. Don't know why, but something about losing 120 pounds makes your old wardrobe baggy ;-) But next weekend isn't my birthday! Yesterday was my birthday!

I've never been overly concerned with my birthday before. I've never really cared whether anyone remembered or forgot, but this year it's bothering me. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's the fact that I have siblings who ignored the anniversary of my birth as well.

Maybe I am just being a pain in the butt :-)

In other news, six more days!

One week

One week from today is May 31st.

One week from tomorrow, my birthday, is June 1st

June 1st is our day.

Part of me is scared I will get pregnant the first month. I know that sounds silly, absurd and would irritate people who've been trying for months, even years with no success, but I am scared it will be "too easy" if that makes sense.

Another part of me is scared it will take months. I am prepared to have three or four unsuccessful cycles, but the thought of six months or a year TTC has me concerned. I have a pseudo-hard exterior, but in reality, I am a big softy and repeated BFNs scare me.

Good grief, I do overthink a lot, don't I?

A short Husband brag

Actually, a long Husband brag.

First off, let me say, it hasn't always been sunshine and roses with Husband and I. Last year at this time we almost joined the ranks of the divorce statistics. I'm not exaggerating with that statement. It was almost all over. But, Husband did something amazing and proved to me that our marriage was more important than his pride. He went to marriage counseling with me after months of fighting me. And it, literally, saved our marriage. This may sound cliche, but now that we've moved past the crisis I am thankful for it because it showed me the true strength of our relationship.

That said, I can be awfully critical of him at times, so let me take a moment to brag a bit.

Five years ago when his great niece was an infant, he gagged when she spit up a little on him, threw her into my arms and began ripping clothes off. Basically, he was completely spastic about the bodily functions of a baby, not a great indicator of future father material. He has repeatedly told me he couldn't handle changing diapers. Not even wet ones. Point blank refused.

This week, the Nephew (who will henceforth be known as Peanut because that's what I call him and I just can't stand calling him Nephew any more) had his first cold. Saturday night he threw up about two ounces of formula all over daddy. Sunday morning he threw up a large amount of formula all over Husband. In an event I can refer to as nothing short of miraculous, Husband put Peanut on his changing table, took off his outfit and cleaned him up before removing his own polo shirt. He then proceeded to change a poopy diaper before redressing him. Yep, my husband.

FTR, this is the second dirty diaper he has changed in the past two weeks and has even mastered the technique of changing a little boy without getting squirted. I was impressed and proud.

In addition to this, I have to brag on Husband's professional accomplishments. One of the girls I work with has a husband who is unemployed and not even attempting to attain employment. He's using school as an excuse (I won't go into all the details), but it's a bunch of bologna. But this particular man's lack of ambition and lack of responsibility has made me more appreciative of Husband's career and resilience.

When we were dating and first married he was a pilot. Then 9/11 happened. I think you can guess where his career went. Without missing a beat, he entered a new field and has become immensely successful. In the space of three years he has been promoted three times, received half a dozen raises and obtained 100% company paid medical, dental and vision insurance for himself and any dependents. In addition, he has begun his own company and has been very successful with it, making an amazing supplemental income. Between these two careers, I'll be afforded the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom. And I adore him for the fact he understood and embraced my need to be a SAHM and made major moves to make that possible.

Even in my addiction, I find fault

Yes, I am still hopelessly addicted to nusery bedding and decor. One of my family members recently posted a picture on her blog of bunk beds from the uber expensive Posh Tots website. Posh Tots. I had not yet drooled over their bedding! You can see where this is going by now, can't you?

I will, of course share all the cutesy goodness with you of the bedding sets I love, but first a mini rant. I understand that you need to come up with catchy titles, names and themes for your nursery decor sets, but shouldn't they at least be logical?

Take this, for example:
Posh Tots Beach Baby Bedding

What about that bedding set says "Beach" to them? Safari? Perhaps, but definitely not beach. Come now folks, don't stretch my credibility albeit as a gullible consumer.

Posh Tots Lollipops Bedding

The lollipops I am not buying. Now a "State Fair" or "Circus" them, YES, but not lollipops.

Okay, now here's a total baby bedding love:
Sleepy Moon

And for the Husband:
Choo Choo Express

On another note, twelve days to go.

What tomorrow holds...

It seems like every day I am coming to a point where I am doing something daily, even something little, in preparation for TTC.

Tomorrow I plan to purchase some storage containers for our winter clothing and also to organize the second bedroom, which will become the nursery when we successfully conceive. I'm also going to get another bottle of prenatal vitamins. I've been remiss in taking them, completely forgot to get a new bottle when I ran out, so I must get on the ball with this.

There are so many tiny details I feel need to be in place before June 1st, it seems impossible and highlights my obsessive nature, but they are necessary things for me. I have the utmost respect for anyone who has an "oops" baby. I am planning this out with painstaking detail and still feel unprepared.

In other news, fifteen days to go.

Updates du jour

Yet another example of how fantastic my PCP is: Had my appointment with her on Thursday, got orders for bloodwork. Had said blood drawn on Saturday morning, by Monday even she had called me with the results. Love that kind of turn around time.

The results were, by the way, normal.

Had a very, very interesting discussion with some friends of mine last night. I mentioned to one of them the names of OBs my doctor had recommended. Interestingly enough, the two docs are in the same practice as the doctor I had thought of (who was recently named one of the top 150 doctors of various specialties in the Pittsburgh area). So when I brought up these names to my friends, two of them raved about the doctor I had originally wanted to see. It feels great to get confirmation that she's a good doctor and someone I could work with.

Sixteen days to go.

This is my last cycle before we start TTC.

Wow.

Medical stuff du jour

Today reaffirmed the reason I adore my doctor. Actually, I have never even seen the doctor in the practice, I've only ever seen the PA (and, unfortunately, one time I saw the male physician partnered with the female doctor in the practice and I despise him) and she's wonderful. During the super uncomfortable portions of the exam, she talked to me about a host of different things like my work, my new house, and the Husband. She also raved about my massive weight loss and continually said how beautiful I look.

The best part came when she asked if I had an OB picked out. Honestly, I had someone in mind, but I didn't want to get a biased answer from her so I said, "No, I was actually going to ask you if there was a particular physician or group that you use or would recommend."

She helped me sit up, looked me in the eye and said, "If I were you, I would pick Dr. Smith or Jones. I'm saying this as a friend, not as your doctor." Then she smiled. "And I will deny saying it if you repeat this!"

You can not find that honesty with most physicians, they are too interested in playing the political game than what's in their patient's best interest.

She mentioned that my cervix is slightly friable, but since my LMP began a mere eight days ago, it was easily explained away. Other than that, everything on the surface looked good, I got orders for some blood work and will be called with the results of that and my pap smear some time next week.

One hurdle down.

Breathe deeply, if the spinning continues, put your head between your knees

Holy cow, I am twelve hours away from actually speaking with a medical professional about trying to have a baby. It doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, I am sure, but for me it's confirmation that this really will happen. It's for real this time.

We've set tentative dates before, but this is the first time we're actively persuing a family.

It doesn't make sense for me to be this happy, but I am.

Wish me luck!

Sharing, realizations and more!

I work in a very small office. I've never been super tight with any of the girls I work with, but of them, one I simply can't stand, another is mildly to moderately annoying, one I respect but have never "connected" with, and, finally, the last one is funny, smart and genial. I get along with all of them, especially well with the last two.

I've stayed silent about my desires to have a baby. It's difficult to explain to people who don't work in my office, but it's better this way. Today, however, Girl #4 confided in me that she is actively seeking another position due to the "political" climate in our office currently. It's not even worth delving into the details of all that's going on, but suffice it to say, I loved my job for a long time, lately, not so much.

After she told me about this, I gave her an equally huge confession. The real reason I simply don't care about the recent office issues is that Husband and I are TTC and I plan on not returning to work once I give birth. She was thrilled for me and it felt so good to talk about it.

In other news, I post on a message board where I have a super cool siggy, complete with a ticker, blinkies and blog linkage. I posted a few quick replies today and, when I did, checked out my ticker.

Twenty-five days until D-Day.

Oh. My. Word.

Two days until the doctor's appointment in which I get the medical go ahead to TTC.

Good grief, this is really going to happen!

He may actually be ready

In many ways, Husband has been ready for a baby for a while now. He loves children and interacts with them well. Mostly because his maturity is right on their level ;-)

But when it comes to practical child care, more specifically baby care, he has been pretty uninterested. Anytime a baby cries or needs to be changed, he is more than happy to hand him or her off. Kind of typical for a guy, but not something that a woman who wants to have a baby with her partner wants to see.

I had a serious talk with Husband about this a while ago. I basically said that we are finally in a position financially, medically and relationship-wise to have a baby. This is something we both want and we both need to take it seriously. Part of that seriousness is that he needs to be committed to being a true partner with me in this. That means being willing to handle a crying baby and do all the ridiculous things people do to attempt to calm said baby. That also means changing diapers. With all substances enclosed. He's been unwilling to do this.

He called me tonight, very proud of himself.

He changed the nephew's diaper. A very, very messy diaper. And changed his outfit. All by himself.

I'm impressed.

The obsession, it continues

I must say I love multi-purpose items. Beds with storage, those awesome bunk beds that have a dresser and desk attached, those kind of things make me smile.

As such, I was tickled to see this:
Vienna Combo Crib and Changer

I'm not a huge fan of changing tables as a whole. I've been a nanny and have baby-sat more times than I can count, after all of that, I am well-versed at changing diapers on the couch, bed, floor, table... where ever. I love the idea of making changing tables out of dressers or desks because it is so much more practical and makes sense when thinking long-term. But having it built onto the crib, great idea.

Bringing me directly to this:
Natural All-In-One

Not only does it have an attached changing table/dresser, but also has under crib storage. Moreover, it can later be turned into a headboard & footboard with a separate dresser. Excuse me while I drool.

Ack, this is such a sickness.

Did people actually procreate prior to the internet??

My dear Jo kept stressing the importance of a birth plan to me. When I say she stressed it, I mean that at multiple times in the same conversation she would say, "Make a birth plan... NOW." And this didn't occur during the course of a single conversation, no, she mentioned it during every one.

I completely understand why, though. Sheesh, there are about a million things listed in birth plans that I never even considered stating to the attending midwife, doctor or whoever is delivering my kid. The obvious things, like pains meds, epidurals, circumcision, all occured to me, but then I realized, at the particular time you are being asked certain questions by the medical staff, you're not in your proper state of mind. Having this set up ahead of time makes so much sense.

I found a few sites online that had everything spelled out in painstaking detail. It will be great to hand the birth plan over to whoever is in charge of delivering this hypothetical child.

In other news, one week until my doctor's appointment. Good grief, I can't believe I am actually excited to see my doctor for a physical and have various pieces of equipment shoved places nothing metal should go...

Such a big and small thing all at once

As irony would have it, I detest going to the doctor. I say ironic because I am a medical technician for a private physician. Yeah, I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma (kudos to anyone to can accurately attribute that quote).

The last time I saw a doctor was a little over two years ago after I was in a head on collision and felt I needed a follow-up. Don't get me started on the grumbling that occured after that ignorant doctor's examination of me.

But I am embarking on this TTC journey, so common sense dictates I get a complete physical, address the two aspects of my current health status that are questionable and get that most beloved of exams, the pap smear. As Husband's company recently changed insurance, I had to wait for the new cards to arrive.

I got the card on Thursday morning.

I had set the appointment by Thursday afternoon.

It's May 10th.

One step closer...

Silence Sucks

There is someone in my life, someone I've mentioned on here before, who means a lot to me. She is related to me by blood, but we have a friendship that, I feel, transcends those basic familial ties.

I remember discussing her first pregnancy and traumatic birth experience. I remember the great openness we had when she decided to try for her third child, especially since I was finally in a position to seriously consider having a child of my own. I remember cheering her on through her second pregnancy, even though I was a little emotionally tender from hearing about it, I kept the pom-poms upright and the pleated skirt straight. And I remember doing my absolute best to support her in the aftermath of yet another medically terrifying and emotionally crushing delivery.

I always planned on having her with me when I went on this TTC journey for real. I wanted to email her my updates, rants and raves. Send tons of meaningless links about cribs, cradles, breastfeeding, parenting and tons more. Coming up with some adorable way to proclaim the actual conception and immediately giving it to her. Sending the inevitable belly pictures.

But I haven't. I can't.

Her two prior traumatic births and current reproductive uncertainty have left a larger scar than I had originally thought. She recently wrote me to vent about her best friend, her sister, who has be unreasonably gush-y in the whole pregnancy/baby department. I completely understand where she is coming from and I am happy that I could help, in some small way, by just listening. But it's given me a bit of a complex. I am very scared of saying something to hurt her, the last thing I'd ever want to do. So I say nothing.

It kills me, but I say nothing.

When addictions collide

I think that the baby obsession I have is obvious, a lesser known, but equally pathetic compulsion of mine is interior design. I've put innumerable hours into painstakingly searching for the ideal themes and accents for my home. I take pride in being a creative, yet sophisticated person and like my home to reflect that. I am also huge on having my home be a "show piece" so to speak. I enjoy the fact that our friends drool when they visit.

Unfortunately today, two of my major fixations met for coffee, got to know each other and before you knew it were married in Vegas forming an unholy union known as Nursery Decor. Moreover, the "Rate My Space" gallery of nursery decor available on www.hgtv.com.

In addition to spending copious amounts of time on said website, I was reminded of a favorite guilty pleasure of mine, Babies R Us. Yes, I can hear the groaning already. It's an overpriced pit filled with useless objects in cute shapes and colors to lure emotional new parents, family and friends into bankruptcy. But they do have some amazing bedding sets.

Since the last time I ventured down this destructive path, some new ones have been added. Enjoy the descent into frivolosity (my new word o' the day):

Lambs & Ivy Froggy Tales

Green Acres by Glenna Jean

Dream With Me by Glenna Jean

Dragonfly by Baby Fish

The Name Game

I am kind of weird when it comes to baby named. Husband and I both loved two particular baby names for girls, but between the newspaper announcements, friends and all the "Top Ten Baby Name" lists I've seen, both are highly popular names. So, in my opinion, both are down the tubes.

I don't like far out weird baby names that no one can ever spell, pronounce or "get", but I like names that aren't so common that my child will merely become known as Ashley C. in her class.

So today I specifically typed in the phrase, "unique baby names" and came across this website as a result. Some of the suggestions on here I actually like.

Alternative Baby Names

A quandary

I have a situation. A dilemma. A pickle, if you will.

There is someone in my life that I just adore. We have a unique relationship, but it includes, for the most part, a great deal of honesty and candor. She is someone I share the most important details of my life with... and a lot of the mundane ones as well.

Naturally, you'd expect me to tell her, immediately, of our plans to have a child. One glitch: I can't. More to the point, I can't without potentially breaking her heart.

Here's the thing, she went through a major pregnancy loss a year and a half ago. Since then, obviously, she's been very sensitive to baby talk. Completely understandable, of course. So I avoid it. Like. The. Plague.

My big problem in this entire situation is that I want to talk to her about this so badly. I want to share with her my excitement, concerns, general thoughts and tidbits. Almost every day I come close to hitting "send" on a baby-filled email before I delete it and miss our former openness.

The problem arises

Since I am not entirely convinced that pregnancy is a real possibility (because my mind plays these games with me and makes up symptoms), I couldn't justify spending a fortune on an expensive super-sensitive home pregnancy test. So I bought an uber-cheap Dollar Tree HPT.

As I previously stated, I have not been paying attention to my cycle at all this month, so I can't even confirm my O date to know where I am in my cycle. Since I am unsure, I know I should use FMU (first morning urine) to assure the best chance of a correct result.

But, um, hello! I am a woman who wants a baby, has a (very slight) possibility of pregnancy and a home pregnancy test. Yeah, this will be a fun night.

Oh and let's not forget that I am intentionally not telling Husband about my symptoms when, in conjunction with his observation, are leading me on this crazy thought pattern, this means I have to not test and not mention testing tonight.

Thank God I have a busy night ahead of me to keep my mind occupied.



[FTR: As with many things, HPTs are super cheap for companies to make, but, by playing on the emotions of wanna-be parents, they mark up their prices to a ridiculous level. A HPT from the Dollar Tree is the same sensitivity as some more expensive ones.]

Off to the store ventures your fearless heroine

I've been a very naughty girl lately. For someone who claims to want to TTC soon, I haven't been paying one iota of attention to my cycle. In reality, Husband has been paying more attention than I. Sad isn't it?

Last night he made a comment about the fact that evil AF hasn't shown up yet. I kinda dismissed him and then realized "Hey, he's right!"

I may be stretching this a bit, but I am off to buy a test. I'm not really ready to be pregnant just yet. I wanted to wait about two more months before beginning the TTC journey. I know two months isn't that long, but for me, it's long enough to get all my ducks in a row. At present there are still a few outlying ducklings ;-)

The Lies We Tell

The Plan, ever since I was a child, was for me to be a stay-at-home mom. Perhaps not forever, but until the children were in all-day school. I made this very clear to Husband before the fateful "I do's" were said. I was firm in my stance that I wanted to be SAHM. Now that I am older and the majority of my friends are parents, I am even more convinced that being a SAHM is the right choice for me.

That said, I adore my career, most especially now that I work for such a fantastic man. He's always been incredibly generous to his staff and is wonderful to me in many ways other than just financially. I can't say enough about his thoughtfulness and compassion. Since I've begun working for him, I have been encouraged by a few friends and Husband to try to work part-time for him since he is such an outstanding employer.

The problem is, there is no such thing as part-time in this office. Either you are in it totally or not at all.

So I've said numerous times in the office, when the topic has come up, or the question asked, that I don't want children. It's career strategizing at it's most mediocre. If I acknowledge my desire for children, then it will inevitably be brought up about my working plans post child birth. I don't want to express my desire to be a SAHM because, as wonderful as my boss is, there are others in the office who would have much to say. There would also be a lot of jealousy from said colleagues because they are not financially able to do the same, and in a small office, that situation is not ideal.

Yes, it's an outright lie, but until I actually do conceive, I choose to keep my secrets well hidden.

Insensitive in my sensitivity

I both can and can't imagine the immense heartache involved in all aspects of trying to conceive, pregnancy, birth and parenthood. I know what it's like to want a child so much you think your heart is going to decomp from sheer longing. I have no clue how horrible negative after negative test must be to a woman who is growing more and more frustrated with her body. I can't imagine the heartache found in a lost pregnancy or traumatic birth.

I'd like to think that, even though I can't fully comprehend the pain and ache that the women I know, I am sensitive (perhaps not 100% of the time) to their roller coaster-like emotions.

But (and there always has to be a but, doesn't there) I have a feeling my control, my restraint, my sensitivity are about to run out.

One friend in particular (and for the sake of anonymity, I'll call her Chelle) is currently knee-deep in TTC land. She emails or calls me about three times a week with rants on said journey. I commiserate. I empathize. I reassure her that, one way or another, I fully believe she will be pregnant and when she is we will have a very fun, non-alcoholic, girls night out.

Here's my issue, the reason for my ire, if you will: She has kids. I know, I know, that shouldn't change anything for me, but it does. My whining about wanting a baby is dismissed so quickly, whereas hers deserves nothing less than my full and undivided attention, but I don't have that gorgeous little toddler to hold.

I don't think her pain is less worthy because she has that handsome little boy and sweet girl, but when I tell her that it hurts to see pregnancy announcements, belly pictures and shower invitations, she "pooh-pooh's" me.

And all I want to tell her is that I count too.