I thought this would never happen

Husband is actually thankful for a BD break!!

To be completely honest, we both have pretty high sex drives, so TTC usually hasn't been too much of an issue for us, but I think this cycle has taken it's toll on him. He said to me Tuesday night, "Do we have to BD tonight?" That was my first clue he was getting worn out. I had a feeling I had already Oed, but I told him I wanted one more day in just to be sure.

Luckily for him, I have had a nice, clear thermal shift so I am sure I Oed and he can get a break, poor guy.

Never thought I'd see the day when Husband was pleading for abstinence ;-)

Sometimes things just suck

I don't really even know where to begin with this because I don't really know where I am with this.

Before I was even born, before I was even a thought in the mind's of either of my parents, before my parents even met, my father and his family had some issues. I won't even get in to all of the issues (to be honest, the "issues" seem to depend on which family member you talk to), but suffice it to say, it left some major rifts within the family. As time progressed, some things seemed to get slightly better, meaning people actually started talking to each other again. By the time I came along, there was something resembling a truce amongst some of them.

As tends to happen, more drama ensued (again, the actual drama depends on who you talk to) and there was more cessation of familial relationships. Put simply, a lot of my family was kept out of my life some by their own choice, some because the choice was made for them.

Now, I am losing a member of my family that I don't even know. As the prospect of mourning the loss of his life because more real by the day, I can't help but mourn the lost relationship I was not allowed to have with him because my dad was angry at other family members. I am saddened by the fact that, in my mid-twenties, there are innumerable members of my family I have never even met. When I was younger, I didn't even know they existed. The loss of this family member has reignited the mourning I have for the entire family I have never gotten a chance to really know.

When I lost my grandmother two years ago, I remember thinking, "I have no grandparents left". That isn't true. I have another grandmother and a step-grandfather. I have a grandfather and a step-grandmother. One set of them dislike and distrust me because I am my father's daughter and the hurt he inflicted has never left them. The other set got a false impression of me while I was losing my dad and after he passed. Even though I have two sets of grandparents that physically exist, I don't feel like they are real to me and I am so envious of my cousins who get to have the reality of them in their lives.

Yes, I am hormonal. The whole miscarriage thing is bothering me. Hearing that the loss of this amazing person that I've never had the privilege to meet is on the horizon has made that even worse.

Not too much cheer around this blog lately. Feel free to find a place more fun to visit.

Proclamation

I finally feel comfortable talking about this: I sought medical intervention.

Let me say, if I had my choice, I would have a midwife to care for me in the preconception, pregnancy and delivery of my child, but that isn't a feasible option for me. I'd love to give birth in one of the comforting rooms of the local birthing center, but since local to me is an hour an a half away... it isn't a good option for me.

So, heeding the advice of my doula, I went to the most AP/natural birthing friendly doctor in this area. I know, I know, seeing the words natural birth and doctor are usually polar opposites, but I have to sing the praises of this particular doctor. I have heard horror stories of OB/GYNs staring at women as though they are from another planet when they begin discussing charts, luteal phases, cervical mucus and basal body temperatures so I was very wary walking in there. In fact, as I opened the door to his office, I was shaking because I was so nervous.

For the sake of anonymity, I shall refer to him as Dr. D because my creativity has run dry at this particular point.

When he walked in (and he knocked first!), he shook my hand, introduced himself and said, "Usually the schedule gives me some clue as to why my patients are here, but they didn't give me too much insight for you, so I'll let you tell me what's going on." Very cool, very laid back. I take note of certain things where physicians are concerned and these are the things that stood out to me:

1. He never, ever interrupted me. Not once.
2. He made sure things were on my level. Now, I am a tech so he could speak to me medically and I would be cool with that, but he made sure to not speak too "doctorly" in an attempt to make the patient feel stupid as so many docs do.
3. He looked me in the eye. The. Entire. Time.
4. He wrote down everything I was saying.
5. He was familiar with NFP, charting and even was familiar with Fertility Friend.
6. He asked to see my charts, he was VERY interested in them and knowledgable about them.
7. When the subject of nursing came up, he said, "It sounds like you plan to be a breastfeeding mama. That is great!"
8. He spent an uninterrupted 30minutes (at least, 30, maybe more) talking to me, getting to know me.
9. He warmed the speculum!!!

At this point, it appears there are two possibilities: A) Husband has a low sperm count, or B) I have insufficient ovulations (I ovulate, but do not produce quality eggs). Also, because of my short LPs (what he is basing the possible insufficient ovulations on), I am at a higher risk of miscarriage, so he wants me to begin baby aspirin as soon I conceive and to be monitored closely through the first trimester.

Disclaimer: I am not Lil Miss Super Duper OB Fan, I do not think all doctors are gods, but I do think I found the exception to the rule. And I am thrilled right now.

Just need to vent

Hasty Disclaimer: If you are pregnant and reading this, please don't take offense. I am ranting and venting from a place of deep hurt and pain. This isn't directed at anyone and I do not fault anyone who has tried for a baby their joy of pregnancy and, in fact, I usually will rejoice with you. However I need to vent this, I need to release.

I am so freaking sick of seeing pregnant women! Absolutely everywhere I go I see someone who is pregnant and it rips my heart out.

My SIL recently told me her seventeen year old brother got his girlfriend pregnant at the same time SIL was going through IVF treatments to have Peanut. His girlfriend had an abortion. I am not going to get into the pro-life/pro-choice debate, but I just want to scream, "I want a baby!!! How can they get pregnant so freaking easily, when I've been hoping, praying and dreaming of a baby! It is NOT fair that she got knocked up in the backseat of some crappy sedan with a kid she didn't want and I can't get the baby I want more than anything!!"

Last night I fell asleep in Husband's arms, sobbing because I was spotting. And that just meant to me that another month was gone. Another cycle my body didn't do what it was supposed to do and get pregnant.

I am beginning to dislike my body. Innumerable other women on this planet do not have this problem. They say, "I think I'll get pregnant" and boom, it happens. I am in the end stages of my 11th cycle since I stopped using birth control. We've been actively trying since May, but we haven't used any form of birth control since December 31st, 2006.

Now, I shall end this disjointed, nonsensical sounding post and cry myself to sleep again because it just seems like the evitable end of my day since my spotting has resumed.

All Signs Point To No

Yesterday, my temp dropped.

Yesterday, I got a BFN.

Yesterday, I spotted a little after Husband and I DTD.

So why am I planning to test today? Why am I this glutton for punishment? I reason away the logical conclusion that I am not pregnant like this:

"My temp was back up a little today."

"The test was a +/- test, those are notoriously unreliable!"

"The spotting only occured after DTD and has gone away now. No sex for Husband!!"

I am normally such a common sense type gal, why can't I just see the big, glaring, green neon sign in front of me that says, "You are NOT pregnant"?

Yes, I suck

I know, I need to update this more, but my life is just plain crazy right now. If you know me well enough, you probably know about everything that is going on. If not, email me, I will gladly fill you in. :-)

Well, I finally did it. I told several people that I know well that Husband and I are trying to conceive.

I had intended to keep this to myself (and actually the pregnancy as well), but I can't. I can't because I need support. I need people that love me to be concerned for me. I need people to pray that I get pregnant. I need to be able to call someone crying because yet another cycle has failed. I need people who are there for me. Fortunately, the particular people I chose to tell have all taken an oath that whatever said at our group, stays within the group. Many secrets have been whispered within those four walls and each has been kept in the strictest of confidences.

I am blessed to know them and feel a little bit better knowing they are concerned for me and there for me. Because, let's face it, as much as Husband loves me, he does not understand why I am devastated at the end of each cycle. It is something I definitely need the support of women for.