Sunday, October 7, 2007

Just need to vent

Hasty Disclaimer: If you are pregnant and reading this, please don't take offense. I am ranting and venting from a place of deep hurt and pain. This isn't directed at anyone and I do not fault anyone who has tried for a baby their joy of pregnancy and, in fact, I usually will rejoice with you. However I need to vent this, I need to release.

I am so freaking sick of seeing pregnant women! Absolutely everywhere I go I see someone who is pregnant and it rips my heart out.

My SIL recently told me her seventeen year old brother got his girlfriend pregnant at the same time SIL was going through IVF treatments to have Peanut. His girlfriend had an abortion. I am not going to get into the pro-life/pro-choice debate, but I just want to scream, "I want a baby!!! How can they get pregnant so freaking easily, when I've been hoping, praying and dreaming of a baby! It is NOT fair that she got knocked up in the backseat of some crappy sedan with a kid she didn't want and I can't get the baby I want more than anything!!"

Last night I fell asleep in Husband's arms, sobbing because I was spotting. And that just meant to me that another month was gone. Another cycle my body didn't do what it was supposed to do and get pregnant.

I am beginning to dislike my body. Innumerable other women on this planet do not have this problem. They say, "I think I'll get pregnant" and boom, it happens. I am in the end stages of my 11th cycle since I stopped using birth control. We've been actively trying since May, but we haven't used any form of birth control since December 31st, 2006.

Now, I shall end this disjointed, nonsensical sounding post and cry myself to sleep again because it just seems like the evitable end of my day since my spotting has resumed.

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