Sunday, September 16, 2007

Been silent, been depressed

Gotta say, I've tried so hard to not get in to that angry/depressive mind set when yet another cycle ended in a BFN and the eventual emergence of AF, but it hasn't quite worked.

My heart is aching for a baby. I feel silly because it's like I am missing, almost grieving, for someone who doesn't exist.

Song lyrics make me burst in to tears at random. Movies and TV shows have me misty-eyed constantly. The few friends who know we are TTC and approach me asking how things are going are met with an overly emotional Krissy, something they have never seen before.

I try to keep my faith strong and continue to believe that God has a plan for me and would not have given me this deep love and desire for a child if he didn't have one planned for me, whether my biological child or adopted child. I am trying to stay upbeat, to remain positive, hopeful, all those flowery adjectives that are so easy to use in platitudes, but I must be honest and say my heart aches right now.

I so admire and respect the women who struggle for years with infertility. I have been going through months, more months than I told anyone about, of negative tests and heart wrenching AF arrivals and it's so emotionally draining. I can't imagine how difficult years of compounding frustration must be.

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