New Blog

Since the babe has been made, this blog has kind of run it's course. So now on to the next phase of our life:

http://thecatalanos.blogspot.com/

Birth Story Part 2

I know, I stink at updating... sorry!!!

Let me begin with something I should have said in the beginning: I have a very specific religious belief. Part of my belief is that when you pray for something, you need to actually believe it will happen. Not maybe, not hopefully, but definitely will. Even something like a pain free childbirth. Just like the author of this book, that's what I had prayed for. Keep this in mind as I finish the story.

Anyway, I have to rave about the first nurse that was in L & D when we got there. She was wonderful, patient, kind and very supportive of allowing me to have a natural child birth. I absolutely adored her.

And I was heartbroken when I hadn't yet come anywhere near pushing when her shift was over. At that point, I was at 7cm and had been in labor for nearly 24 hours.

My water bag was bulging and the next nurse on staff kept insisting that all I needed was for my water to break and I would go straight to 10cm and could begin pushing. Problem was I specifically did NOT want my membrane to be ruptured artificially. So the entire time she took care of me I was extremely uptight and scared she'd try to talk my OB into doing an AROM, throwing my body into contractions it wasn't ready for.

At 7am, after nearly 31 hours of labor, the nursing staff finally switched again. The next nurse, while not as completely wonderful as my first nurse, was so much better than the previous nurse. Before she had a chance to check my progress (something they did at the beginning of each shift) my doctor arrived. He checked and, thankfully, he did not feel my bag of water. At one point during the numerous trips up and down the L & D hallway, I had made a trip to the bathroom where my doula and I both thought my water had broke due to what we heard, but I didn't feel anything, so we disregarded it. Fortunately, we were correct and it was a membrane rupture.

He was happy to see that my water had broken on it's own, but I was only at 9cm with a small lip still present on the right side. He left and said he'd be back soon to deliver my baby.

Well... it didn't exactly happen that way.

By 2 that afternoon (while under the care of yet another nurse who I could NOT stand) I was still at 9... still had a lip. The doctor said he'd like to give me a little bit of Pitocin to finish out the dilation and effacement. After 38 hours of labor he was concerned about my exhaustion level.

My doula and I decided to kick things into high gear so we did a ton of exercises, faster paced walking and even stair climbing. I also had a mini break down where I sobbed about the labor being nothing like I expected and taking forever to progress.

By 6 or 6:30 I was in transition having intense contractions combined with stomach cramps with barely enough time to breath in between. I was also bleeding heavily which scared me beyond belief.

At this point, my nurse decided to throw a hissy fit because I insisted she let me off the bed to go to the bathroom (I only had intermittent monitoring, but at one point I had an intense stomach cramp and needed to go to the bathroom then, monitoring or no). By some sort of miracle, my wonderful, awesome first nurse was back on rotation, although she wasn't my nurse and was scheduled to be off that day. I told Husband to go get her and I asked her if I could have another nurse. I couldn't stand the other nurse and did not want her present while I was pushing.

Being the wonderful, awesome nurse she was she switched patients with the nasty nurse and came in to help me deliver. She went above and beyond the call of duty, doing everything in her power to help me not tear. I don't think I could have done it without her there with me.

The pushing was the hardest part. I wanted to give up. I was tired and I didn't have the energy to push as much or as hard as I needed to. It felt like it took forever. I was sweating, crying and completely exhausted physically and emotionally. It was 7:30 at night and I had been in labor for 43 hours. I kept asking why I was pushing if the doctor wasn't there and begging my mom to just let the baby stay in me.

After only 34 minutes of pushing, my son was born. It felt a lot longer than that, but in retrospect it was a very short time for a first birth.

After 43 1/2 hours of labor, 34 minutes of pushing and more contractions than I wish to count, my son was born on November 8, 2008 at 8:04pm weighing in at 6lb 3oz. I did tear, but only a tiny bit requiring only 2 stitches.

And yes, my entire 43 1/2 hours of labor was pain free. There were times it was intense, but it was never painful. The recovery was, by far, more painful than the labor.

Now my pregnancy journey for this baby is over. The path of motherhood, however, is just beginning.

Birth Story Part One

My son is now five days old. Since Husband is holding him and he nursed recently, I am going to attempt to take the opportunity to write out his birth story. I am still kind of processing it, so bear with me.

Friday November 7th I woke up at 12:30am with diarrhea and cramping. By 1:00 am I realized it was labor and was different from my previous contractions. I went back to bed in an attempt to sleep and prepare for what was to come. At 2:30 am I finally decided to alert Husband and asked him to go downstairs to get my watch and time the contractions. They were 4 minutes apart and lasting about 45 seconds. I gave up the sleeping in bed theory and went downstairs to watch some DVDs and relax. I told Husband to go back to sleep because I needed him as rested as possible... it served no purpose to have both of us exhausted. I had no choice as to whether or not I could sleep, but he did and needed to take advantage of it while he could and I would wake him when I needed him.

Somewhere around 5 or 6 I popped in the tub for a while. I figured if a hot bath stopped the labor, then it was obviously more false labor. After 30 minutes and about 5 contractions, I confirmed to myself it was the real thing. Knowing my mom was up and getting ready for work, I went next door and told her she could go into work if she wanted, but I may be calling her to come home early. She decided to go, but was on high alert.

By this time I had already been in labor for nearly seven hours. Things were progressing, but still nothing that made me feel I needed to go to the hospital, wake Husband or call my doula. I did, however, decide to eat and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat toast.

I already had an appointment with my OB scheduled for 1:45 pm (the appointment was to discuss induction) so I called to cancel the appointment and told them that I was in active labor and would call when I felt I needed to go to the hospital. They talked me into coming in anyway. In addition to Husband, our doula and my mom accompanied me to my appointment since we were all pretty much assuming I'd be sent straight to the hospital. And I was. He checked me and said I was abot 5 cm dilated and called the hospital to make all the arrangements and let his partner, who was the doctor on call, know I was coming up.

Since 5 cm isn't very much for someone hoping to avoid medical intervention, we all went to a local park and did laps around it for a while then got something to eat before heading to the hospital around 5:00 pm.

To be continued...

41 weeks 1 day

I'm in active labor. I've been contracting since 12:30 am without it stopping. Had some more bleeding. Contractions are 4 - 5 minutes apart and lasting about 1 minute.

At some point today, I should have my baby in my arms.

40 weeks 5 days

Again, recording for posterity (and so I can accurately remember how this all went during my next pregnancy). Feel free to disregard anything I'm saying here :-)

Tonight has brought about a lot of pressure, cramping and some of that same sharp pain. It's also included further loss of the mucus plug (no doubt this time) just a little over 4 days since my bloody show.

I've been spending lots of time draped on my birthing ball and squatting to make sure the baby gets in the right position. Tomorrow morning I have another chiropractor appointment (I had one last night and one on Friday... trying to encourage the little guy to move on out) so perhaps a little adjustment from him will be the button that needs pushed.

I don't feel a ton of strong contractions, nothing really momentous from that end, but I am seeing signs of progress, so that's enough for me right now. I'm just trying to relax and get into a place of calmness and peace to let my body do what it needs to do.

Hopefully, I'll be holding my little boy soon and can just avoid any hint of drama that may arise at Friday's appointment.

40 weeks 3 days

I am realizing people say some pretty interesting things to women who are have gone past their due date. Here is a helpful list of things NOT to say to such a woman:

• "Still pregnant?!?!?!" Said with varying levels of incredulity. I think the entire lack of a child in my arms is a pretty good indicator.
• "My aunt/cousin/niece/sister/random stranger did X and had her baby within 24 hours." If I wanted a sure fire way to have my child, I'd take the pitocin evil on-call OB would so willingly offer me. And if/when I want a natural induction, I'll ask for help or consult on-call midwife.
• Please do not correct me, especially about something trivial. I am tired, cranky, worried and all other sorts of emotions, I just need to rant sometimes without being corrected.
• "If you drop any further, he will be between your knees!" I am carrying him, I know exactly how low he is. Trust me.
• "I went three weeks past my due date with my first." Not helpful. Really not helpful.
• Any comment on my size. Any. I know I don't have a very large belly. I know I haven't gained a lot of weight with this baby, but both the doctors and I are confident based on his size and heart rate that he is healthy and the other numbers really don't count.
• "He'll come when he is ready." No, really? DUH!
• "He's waiting for the Steeler game/the election/some other specific day." Really? Have you been consulting with my still-in-utero child without my knowledge? Nice to know he talks more to random people than he does to the woman who has carried him for the past nine months and contributed half of his DNA.
• "Maybe your due date is wrong." I have been using NFP for many years now, I know how to chart. Beyond that, I know I ovulated on February 7th. In case you need it taken one step further, coitus: 2/7 at 1:30 pm, ovulation: 2/7 at 4:30 pm. I know my due date.

There are more, but these are the only ones I've encountered recently. Stay tuned for more rants from the preggo chick ;-)

40 weeks 2 days

Still here. Slightly more happy.

Let me explain the "worst birth ever" comment because it sounds terrible rereading that. I have raved before about my fantastic OBs and I will continue to stand firm in my adoration of them... but I've found a dent in their shining armor. Apparently something happened unexpectedly and this weekend they are both going to be out of town. So another practice is covering for them. You can already see where this is going right?

The other practice contains 5 doctors. Out of the five, I've heard good things (although their reputation isn't as natural birth friendly as my current practice, they are better than most). One of them I've heard horrible things about. He and my doula specifically had an issue (the issue being he threw her certification paperwork back in her face). And out of all five doctors guess which one is on call this weekend? Yep, you got it. The doula-hating, cesarean promoting, anti-natural birth doctor. This guy really is the epitome of all things wrong with obstetrics.

So I had a melt-down. A melt-down I was proud to have controlled as well as I actually did, but still a melt-down that ended in a frantic call to my doula explaining the situation.

Which brings me to the section of this post titled "Why Every Woman Needs A Doula". If my labor starts this weekend and I truly do not feel like I can call my OBs answering service, I will have a midwife as back-up to deliver my baby at home. This midwife began practicing after I was already under prenatal care with my OB and, due mostly to Husband's slight apprehension at homebirth, I decided to just stay with my practice. But with the current situation, after being informed of the particular doctor's personality, she agreed to be my back-up care. So the situation I thought could lead to the worst birth ever may actually give me the birth I've desired (although I am completely unprepared for!).

Oh and since I mentioned Husband's homebirth apprehension, I should add a tidbit about him. I've been gently informing him of the benefits of natural childbirth, homebirth, minimal medical intervention, non-circumcision, exclusive breastfeeding, etc for years now. I've converted him on many things, but homebirth concerned him and he still felt that a hospital and a doctor's care was the best place to be for birth. The other day he looks at me and says, "Our doctors aren't big on inducing, right?" After assuring him that one big reason I chose them is because they are NOT fans of induction, he said, "Oh good because inducing labor raises the chance of a c-section and the only reason doctors like to do c-sections are because they make a lot more money." Now, this is NOT new information to me, but it is new that Husband is listening to me and not being as blindingly trusting of medical staff.

After telling Husband about the possibility of a homebirth, he expressed some concerns, but I informed him that the doctor on call was exactly the kind of doctor who would induce and would wind up performing a c-section on me because he cares more about the bottom line financially and being in total control of a situation than he is about me or the baby. So he is now not opposed to a homebirth... if this weekend requires it.

And our second baby will be born at home. :-)

40 weeks 1 day

I am overdue. I am not happy.

I've been having these stupid meaningless contractions for a week now that aren't doing a whole lot other than getting my hopes up.

And I can't give birth this weekend (long story) so either I stay pregnant for another three days or I have the worst birth ever.

Please, God, let this baby come today!

39 weeks 3 days

In case I forget any details later, I need to write this down. Really more for my benefit than anything else!

I think I am in active labor. I am very nauseous, sick in multiple ways, having a lot of cramps and they have been lasting a lot longer than they were a couple of days ago.

I've been having contractions on and off for days now, but this is the first time it's really lasting and becoming meaningful.

Hopefully this kid isn't just messing with my emotions here!

39 weeks

So after a crazy week (which included those silly on and off contractions that make me think something is really going down just to stop on their own), I saw the doctor today. After reporting the contractions and the discharge (I think I'm one of those women who lose their mucous plug slowly instead of all at once), he decided to do an internal check. At my practice, they rarely do internals because A) it is uncomfortable and B) you can be 1 cm for a while and it really not mean anything, so why get your hopes up, but my symptoms warranted a check.

Speaking of 1 cm, I am just a little over 1 cm, he said being liberal he'd say 2, but still nothing major. I am thrilled that there is something going on down there though. If I was completely closed, I'd be a little disappointed. I am also slightly effaced. Again, nothing huge, but proof that something is gonna happen.

Tomorrow is Husband's last day of work until January! He decided all on his own to take 2 months off when the baby is born (he is taking the last week of October off as his vacation). He said he wants to get adjusted to having a baby and help me get in the groove of breastfeeding and being a SAH/WAH mom. Yeah, big "awwww" moment for me there :-D Now, if I can convince him to use some of this time off to finish a few projects around the house, we will be in really good shape ;-)

Today I plan to put all the freshly laundered bedding on the crib, put away all his nicely cleaned clothes and get all his stuffed animals set up in their cradle. I also want to get the diapers washed and put away in the stacker. If I have enough time before our childbirth class, I'd like to get the pack and play put up in the living room as well, but we shall see what this evening brings!

Speaking of childbirth class, this will be our second one and my skeptical Husband was very happy to know we have a doula after going through the first class. And when speaking to his one friend who asked about our lamaze class, he said, "We aren't doing lamaze, we are doing HUSBAND involved childbirth." He loves being such an important part of it and actually paid attention the entire time! I was so impressed!

Now, off to complete a few errands before tackling the rest of these projects.

38 weeks 3 days

I need to be more consistent with the picture taking thing, I may not have many more opportunities.

38 weeks 2 days

This morning I realized that one way or another this pregnancy isn't going to last much longer.

It's exciting to know my son will be here soon, but it's kind of sad in a way too. Right now, he is all mine. Every movement, every stretch, every wiggle, every hiccup is something only he and I can feel. I don't have to share him with anyone. It's like we live in our own little world where it's just me and my boy.

Once he arrives, that won't be the case. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled I have a very involved husband who wants to spend tons of time with the baby and who is able to take so much time off work to be with us, but I know that Husband is going to want to be with him a lot and hold him constantly. There won't be that consistent "alone time" for he and I.

So this morning I decided that, instead of getting out of bed and doing one of the ten million things on my to-do list, I would lay there and just enjoy feeling him roll and wiggle. I wanted to just cherish a few quiet moments alone with him.

And now, I am even more anxious to hold him finally.

37 weeks 2 days

I am term. At any point now, this little guy could be born and his lungs and brain would be well developed and, in all likelihood, have no problems. That is a comfort for someone who has spent her entire 9 months petrified of losing another baby.

I've become one of those frivolous moms. I bought him a Thanksgiving outfit. I can't help it! I went to BRU with the express interest of buying his Christmas present which happened to be on sale this weekend. And I was sucked into the cuteness of the Thanksgiving clothes and I wasn't strong enough to resist.

Tonight is going to consist of finishing the faux finish on the wall in the baby's room. Tomorrow Husband is going to put up the chair rail and my mom and I will hang the gossamer and lights. Hopefully I can even get the floor at least vacuumed so it is ready for the shampooing. Then I can put Husband to work this week assembling the crib and moving the dresser into his room. If all goes well, by next weekend his room should be all done!

Pictures are sure to follow.

36 weeks, 6 days

Of note:

• I hate heartburn
• My child loves Brian Setzer Orchestra
• We got the blue Bumbo!!
• I am GBS negative
• I have eaten poorly this week
• I have to get weighed tomorrow
• I think I may have had a couple of contractions

That is all :-)

36 weeks 3 days

Remember that 17 lbs above pre pregnancy weight thing? Umm, yeah, not so much. As of last visit I was 13 lbs above pre preg weight.

You must be saying, "But wait, in your last trimester, especially your last month, you are supposed to just gain." Ahh, but I am not your average bear! In one week I lost a pound and the following week I lost 3 more. Upshot of it all? Doctor doesn't care one bit. I'm very thankful I chose a small practice with laid back personnel. And since I feed them most times I come, they love me :-) I'm glad he doesn't care because I was a little concerned even though I'm a firm believer in not holding women to unrealistic guidelines.

I've loved being pregnant. I've loved every minute of it. But I am beginning to understand why women say they are ready. I feel ready for him to come. Not ready in the sense my house is ready. Not ready in the sense that his clothes are ready. Not ready in the sense that I feel like "mom", but ready in the sense that I am physically ready to not be pregnant. I'm ready to hold him, cuddle him, nurse him and love him.

This week has brought about some undesirable pregnancy side effects. I've had more swelling. Only in my feet and only yesterday after being on them all day walking around a festival. I've had heartburn. I've never had heartburn in my life so I actually had to ask someone what heartburn felt like to be sure it is what I was experiencing. This is the first time my doula has asked me how I am and I've replied in the negative.

Yes, I'm very ready.

36 weeks

If my husband survives this pregnancy, I suggest someone nominate him for sainthood. Our house currently contains 144 rolls of toilet paper, 36 rolls of paper towels, 5 bottles of body wash for myself, 5 bottles of dh's body wash, 25 bars of soap, 10 bottles of hand soap, 21 boxes of tissues, 5 bottles of shampoo for me, 5 bottles of shampoo for dh, 3 cans of shaving creams for me, 3 for dh, dozens of razors and innumerable boxes of easy to prepare food and cans upon cans of tomato sauce, paste and diced tomatoes. No, I am not kidding. Yes, pregnancy is making me neurotic. My mother walked in the house today and surveyed the massive amount of bags scattered around my kitchen floor as I was putting all these items away (the same scene she had just witnessed a couple of weeks ago when I bought a bunch of other "necessities") and just shook her head. She also asked if I was preparing for Armageddon or just going crazy. :-)

The swing we attempted to purchase last weekend finally came in so I was able to pick that up as well as a few choice items from the clearance racks at Babies R Us. The Bumbo, however, has still not arrived. Grrrr. Blasted pink Bumbos are in abundance, not the blue ones!

The baby book obsession is a little out of control. Every time I enter BRU, I have to avoid the left side of the store because I will easily try to buy a hundred dollars worth of books. And this is despite the fact that I already own a million children's books.

Okay, the hospital bags are packed for dh and myself, the car seat and stroller are assembled and in the car. The cradle is all set up in our bedroom. Several of his toys have been assembled and are waiting for him to arrive to play with them. And Grammy even has a bassinet set up at her house for when he is visiting and needs a nap. Daddy took the old pack n' play downstairs for when they are spending "cave time" together.

A few more finished touches in the nursery and we will be ready for our little boy.

Oh and his name is set in stone. Not sure if I ever mentioned that before, but the great name debate of 2008 has been settled and we have a few personalized items to prove it. :-)

35 weeks 2 days

I should title this one "oh my word, my baby is coming."

I have one month left. One. A singular month until my son is in my arms. Okay, so the technical month time line is still 2 days away, but you get the jist... it's close!

In medical news: At our appointment I got a major commendation from the NP. She said my weight is fantastic (17 lbs above pre preg weight), B/P perfect (100/60) and I look great. She also said she expects me to leave the hospital weighing less than before I got pregnant based on where I am now. I was told Baby A is head down and is dropping. We are now down to weekly OB visits! Yikes!

We spent the day spending a bunch of our gift cards at Babies R' Us. Much to my chagrin, the two main things we wanted were on backorder. We got a rain check for one and the other *should* be in in about two weeks. Ya know, right before my kid is due. I know I don't need it immediately after he's born, but still, I am a "be prepared" kind of chick.

Today I rearranged the bedroom and set up his cradle, put the sheet on and the spiffy blankey made by his Grammy (my mom) so he has at least one place to sleep and it's right next to his Momma. And I was able to arrange it so that our first baby (ya know, the furry one on four legs) won't have to give up the window she so loves to stare out.

I also packed my bag and a bag for dh and I plan to keep both of those in my vehicle as well. The only thing I want to get is some snacks for dh. I don't mind him having snacks there (I know some women do mind) and I would rather pack stuff for him than have him leave to track down food in the cafeteria when I really need him.

Tomorrow the plan is to clean out my vehicle and get the car seat all hooked up. Because, you know, he is coming. In a month.

Dude, I'm gonna be a mom!

35 weeks

I wanted to update sooner, but things have been NUTS here! Thus my computer time has been severely limited.

In news: I had my shower! It was fantastic! There were a ton of people there and we got so much awesome stuff! I feel so blessed that so many people love Baby A this much already. I also had numerous people BEG for the privilege of babysitting A when he is born. I love being surrounded by such a fantastic, loving, compassionate group of friends and family.

I will be updating my myspace page soon with pics of all our gifts, but the reality is, it will take a while to take pictures of them all because we have some very generous people in our lives.

In making-everyone-want-to-gag-news: I LOVE being pregnant! I love, love, love being pregnant. I have been so fortunate to have a very easy pregnancy and even now, with only a handful of weeks to go, I feel fantastic! At this point, I would happily have 10 kids. I can only hope and pray that my labor, delivery and parenting my son will be as good as my pregnancy has been. I was concerned my lack of "symptomatology" was a bad sign that I would lose this baby as well, but now I believe I am just extremely fortunate to be a woman who is able to handle the hormone influx well, gain the baby weight slowly, carry the baby more on the inside so I have a smaller belly and is just plain happy pregnant! Not only has the conception of this child been an answer to my prayers, this pregnancy has been a miracle that I don't take lightly.

31 weeks, 3 days

A week of confessions:

• I ate tuna fish. I have strictly avoided tuna fish since my pregnancy began and only had been eating it VERY sparingly while we were TTC. I know logically that you're allowed a certain amount of tuna fish, but I prefer to err on the side of caution and just avoid it all. However temptation overtook me this week and I had a 6 inch tuna sub on toasted wheat bread with lettuce, tomatoes, red onions and ground black pepper. It was the best sandwich I've had in a long, long time. Oh, and based on the level of activity after I ate said sandwich, Baby A loves tuna too.
  
• I ate soft cheese. Again, I've avoided it completely (even forsaking my beloved Fuji Apple Chicken Salad at Panera's) during my pregnancy. I've done absolutely everything I could to ensure I have a healthy pregnancy and have shunned all those "naughty" foods. But this week was a bad week and I couldn't resist the sound of the Third Street Salad when we ate at Max & Erma's Friday night. And let me tell you, it tastes even better than it sounds.
  
• My nursery is still undone. Well, we have cleaned it out, we have purchased the paint, the crib, the mattress, the dresser, the bookcase, the gossamer and the chair rail, but it is still unassembled. I keep getting antsy about it and have to calm myself and remember that while eight weeks seems like such a short time, Husband and BIL can get the painting, chair rail and crib assembly done in a day. Probably also hanging the gossamer, cutting and hanging the wood valances in another day. And it will take me all of five minutes to put his bedding on and hang the curtains. So in one weekend we could probably have the nursery done. I just really wish this weekend had been the weekend.

30 weeks 3 days

Am I nesting? You be the judge.

Husband rented a large dumpster to get rid of the mattress and boxsprings in our future nursery and some other various items. In one day, I have halfway filled said dumpster with various things from our linen closet, laundry room and bedroom. And I don't mean big items, I mean normal stuff, just tons of junk.

I've scrubbed out my refrigerator. From top to bottom, pulled it out and scrubbed behind it as well.

I have my third load of laundry going since 1:00pm.

I had Husband move out the washing machine and dryer so I could vacuum and scrub behind them.

I threw away three bags of clothes.

And it's currently 3:30pm.

Yeah, I think I am firmly entrenched in the nesting phase :-) My OCD Husband loves it!

30 weeks 1 day

Since it's drawing closer everyday, and since I truly feel comfortable in my pregnancy now, I've been thinking about my birth. A lot.

No, I can't have the exact birth I want because (due to the wonderful laws in my state and the complete medicalization of this area) of things that are beyond my control, but I can take the situation I am in and make the best of it. I dealt with the disappointment of this already and I've accepted it, as much as one can, and I am moving forward.

As I've mentioned before, I have a doula. And, yes, I truly believe she will be the difference between a birth I regret and a birth I can learn to love. She has been so supportive and comforting. She has told me pointedly, "I will do everything in my power to make this birth a positive experience for you." Since she is a friend of mine first and foremost, she has the ability to be blunt with me. There is no need to sugar coat anything. If someone would try to talk me in to a procedure I am not comfortable with, she'd be completely honest with me, remind me of what I want, and tell me to keep my eye on the prize.

Recently, I've been doing a lot of reading. There are some wonderful books which have empowered me. Two I want to highlight are: The Complete Book of Christian Parenting & Child Care by none other than the wonderful Dr. William Sears and his wife Martha, and The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger. Both books have urged me to believe in myself and believe in my body.

Since I lost my baby, well, to be honest, even before that when my body was failing to conceive a child on it's own, I've been angry with my body. It failed me, it failed my first child. I took vitamins, minerals, supplements. I exercised, ate well, lost weight. I did everything by the book and my body couldn't perform the way it should have.

But reading these books, reading the wise words of the authors, I have come to a deeper peace with my body. I realized that right now, it is doing exactly what it should be. It is nourishing my son, it's preparing to feed him once he is here, it is keeping him safe for a few more weeks until he is ready to enter the world.

And, finally, I believe that my body can perform the way it should during labor. I even have confidence in my body that just as it has housed my son for the past 7 months, it will continue to care for him by bringing him into the world in a safe, gentle way.

Best of all, I now have no fear. :-)

29 weeks

Today was my lovely gestational diabetes check. I was so nervous that my blood pressure was actually up. Not insanely high, but about ten points higher than normal. Enough to get a triple check of my blood pressure.

The glucola wasn't as bad as I had been expecting. Yeah, it was sickeningly sweet, but it was still tolerable for the small amount I had to drink.

As far as my boy, he is wonderful! All measurements are dead on, my weight is perfect, his heart rate is good and he is super active.

Today I also picked up all the paperwork to fill out for his future pediatrician. After talking to a mom who shares my parenting beliefs/style and getting the recommendation for this one particular doctor, I think I am comfortable with using him. Incidentally, he used to attend our church and is the PCP for several friends of mine. He isn't technically a pediatrician, but a family doctor and is very supportive of the way I want to raise my baby.

In two more weeks I am seeing the doctor and giving him the birth plan. Now, just to get it finalized...

27w3d Third Trimester

Not a whole lot to update on except the fact I have a very active son! He likes to kick Momma and willingly kicks Daddy at least once a day. Daddy refuses to go to sleep (or let Momma sleep) until our little guy has kicked at least once for him to feel.

I made a proclamation at work. I finally let them know I would NOT be returning to the out of home workforce once my boy is here. It wasn't a warm reception to my announcement, but it was necessary. I'm not egotistical enough to think I am irreplaceable, but I know how things work in my office and I know that anyone who comes in would benefit more (as would my boss) from being with me for a few weeks and observing, plus performing my job with me there to help, would be better for both my boss and the new person.

So far Baby A (yep, we have a name and no, I am not going to say it just yet) has had not one but TWO train rides. We rode one at Idlewild park (plus Mr. Rogers' trolley) and then rode another yesterday at the steam show. Daddy is already brainwashing him into loving trains :-)

I feel blessed and I feel content. I can't really complain about this pregnancy because I've had no morning sickness, no heartburn, no major problem just exhausted a lot. I've had a very easy pregnancy with this little guy.

And I just can't wait to meet him.

24 weeks 3 days

At the onset of this pregnancy, I was praying to make it to six weeks. I've now arrived at six months. I can barely believe it.

Not to sound morbid, but we've reached viability. I have no reason to think that anything will go wrong or that I will have extreme preterm labor, but for someone who has experienced pregnancy loss, knowing I've carried my son long enough he may survive outside the womb means a whole lot.

Only two weeks until I hit my third trimester. The second trimester seemed to last forever, I will be almost as excited to reach my third as I was when I made it out of that scary first trimester.

We may have a name picked out! I don't want to jinx it by actually uttering the name, but we've reached the end of the baby name book and have no better options. The only reason (I recently realized) that Husband disagreed with this particular name choice was because he didn't like one of the two possible nicknames. After I assured him that it is an obscure nickname for this particular name and we don't have to call him that name, he seemed a little more into using this name. Thank God. This has been a painful process.

Tomorrow we are doing our baby registry! I finally have completed my shower invites and have them ordered, so doing the registry and getting the cards from the stores we choose is the final step! I can't believe the shower is only two months away. It kept feeling like it was forever, but now it's just right around the corner!

Since I mentioned preterm labor, I guess I should say now (since my feelings this pregnancy have been pretty dead on) that I have a feeling I am going to have my son a little early. Not much, just a couple of weeks, but I would be very surprised if I made it to 40 weeks. I think the combination of knowing he is a little big plus the dreams I've had have made me feel this way. Either way, I will just be thrilled to hold my little guy finally!

21 weeks, 2 days

So we had our big ultrasound today. Our little one cooperated and gave us the perfect shot to find out their gender.

First though, the baby is measuring slightly ahead of schedule (about a week for the head, two weeks for arms and legs). The heart is perfect. The baby has all ten fingers and ten toes. The baby already is a thumbsucker (and oh my word do I adore that picture). And everyone has decided that the baby looks like daddy.

Here are the pics!

Here we are stretching:

This is a great profile shot:

And here is the gender shot!

Yep, it's a boy!!! Now the naming disagreement begins ;-)

18 weeks

Let me just say, there are no doubts what I am feeling now. This little one is MOVING! Oh my word, this is one active little baby. However, just like it is it's father's child because of the movement, it is also it's father's child because it likes it's sleep! I've noticed the baby seems most active in the evening, then winds down around 10 or 11 pm when I'm heading to bed. Thank you for being considerate and not kicking momma in the middle of the night, little one.

Had my third prenatal visit today and we were scheduled for our BIG ultrasound. Yes, that is all in caps because I can not wait to find out what this little wiggleworm is! And Husband and I will need all the time we can get to discuss a boy's name if it is a little boy. Trust me, it's needed.

So the BIG ultrasound is June 21. Unfortunately to get a 3D/4D ultrasound and be able to have my family present (and get a DVD copy of the ultrasound), I have to travel about 45 minutes away to an ultrasound clinic. Since this is my first term baby, I don't mind.

Today's appointment summary: Great heart beat, 133. Uterus measures right on target. And this time I even gained weight! Yeah, it was an issue last time.

17 weeks

Wow. I'm here.

This week did not go by without event. Event thanks to my clumsiness. I fell. Up the stairs. Yes, you read that right. Hey, anyone can fall DOWN the stairs, it takes a special talent to fall up the stairs. My knee and arm took the brunt of it, but I also did have some belly involvement so off to the ER we went. Thirty minutes later I found myself hooked up to the very interesting contraption known as the non stress monitor.

There were, thankfully, no contractions. And the baby was moving around like crazy with a nice, steady heart rate of 144.

So, basically, all is good. I feel weird saying that because part of me is waiting for something. It seems too good to be true (especially after the lovely comments made to me by my MIL), but it is real. And this baby will be here in about 4 1/2 months! Yay me :-)

Side note: In one week we have our next OB appointment. At that appointment we will be scheduled for our ultrasound. Our BIG ultrasound. Yay!

15 weeks 2 days

So now I am not "just" in my second trimester, but I am IN my second trimester. Not just barely with my toe over the line, I am standing with both feet firmly planted over that invisble fence of trimester marking.

Only 2 1/2 more weeks until our next appointment where our "big" ultrasound will be scheduled. I am thrilled to be able to find out what the gender of my little one is and really be able to bond better with him or her. I know it sounds silly in some ways but I feel kind of disconnected not being able to speak to the baby with some sort of identity.

I feel occasional flutters. Not much and only when I am completely still and not distracted, but it's nice to feel a reassuring flutter every now and then.

I am so excited to be here and so excited to know my little bean is growing stronger and healthier every day :-)

14 weeks 3 days

This week brought something truly exciting that is worthy of an update (because before this, to be honest, the only things I could think to say revolved around my never ending awe that I am still pregnant).

We had another OB appointment. This time I was able to meet the other doctor in the practice, an experience I didn't particularly want, but knew was inevitable. Fortunately for me, I have discovered that not just my beloved McDreamy is an awesome doc, but his partner as well. He was very kind, compassionate and understanding of my decision to not have a particular test run on me (even if the assistant was not quite as kind). Although my desire is to have dear ole McDreamy deliver me, I'd be comfortable to have his partner on call when I deliver. And I am even more thankful that I am delivering at a practice with only two doctors and not the five doc conglomerate that most people choose.

Pumpkin is still doing awesome! The doctor was able to find the heartbeat immediately and it was a strong 156. Pumpkin was still being it's usual uncooperative self (clearly Husband's child) and kept flipping all over the place when the doctor was trying to get the heartbeat, but I am completely okay with that. All that moving signals a strong, healthy baby which is all I can ask for.

I've lost eight pounds since my last appointment. The doctor looked at me kind of funny and asked if I've had a lot of morning sickness. He was shocked that I've lost that much in 4 weeks without morning sickness, but since the baby is still active and has a strong heartbeat, he isn't too concerned yet.

I'm officially in my second trimester. Unless something dramatic happens, my next appointment is in 3 1/2 weeks and we will schedule my "big" ultrasound then to find out what exactly my little Pumpkin is. The place they typically use (not the hospital where I've gone for my emergency ultrasounds) offers 3d and 4d ultrasounds, will allow anyone in that you want and send you home with lots of stills and a DVD. I'm excited to go to this place, even though it's farther away, simply for all the amenities it offers.

All I have to say is, "YAY!!!"

Hey, I was tagged!

Reiza over at The Spaceship tagged me, so here goes!

Original Meme can be found at Dirty Little Secret, but I am going to defy the rules for a moment because I have no clue who to tag, so I'll just post the six random things.

The rules:a. Link to the person who tagged you.b. Post the rules on your blog.c. Write six random things about yourself.d. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.e. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment at their blog.f. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

Random Things About Me:

1. Pregnancy has given me very strange, but real dreams. My latest one is assisting in (actually, performing) the delivery of the baby of one of my online friends. She and I caught the baby together. The baby was delivered on my bed of all places while we were waiting for her husband to come over and pick her up. I gotta say, I hope my birth goes as well as hers did in my dream because wow it was an awesome delivery.

2. Having a big family is good in some ways, but bad in others. Like when trying to find a baby name...

3. I really resent people who are slackers. I dislike when people take on a job and then refuse to perform all the duties required of said job. I even more dislike when people push said duties off on me. Can ya tell it's a pet peeve?

4. I am frugal to a fault. I hate spending money. I recently bought $50 worth of maternity and baby clothes (that were a steal) and felt guilty over it for DAYS. Being frugal is what has gotten us to our stable financial situation and is going to give me the ability to stay at home once Pumpkin is born, but it's annoying at times.

5. I want people to think of awesome things to get me, not ask what I want. This is particularly true for dh. He asks what I want every year for Christmas. He asked what I want for Mother's Day. I just want him to go out there and buy something special that HE thought of because he knows me well enough to do that. And I really want my mom to make up a special bag of stuff for me to take to the hospital like a nightgown, socks, music, etc.

6. In case it's not glaringly obvious, my love language is gifts. And yes, I completely believe in the five love languages.

12 weeks, 5 days

On the cusp of beginning my 13th week and the official start of my second trimester (second trimester??? Me??? Are you serious???) I finally find the time to write a note of the twelfth week. It was a rather eventful week which gives me much to blog about, however robs me of the time to do so. Oh sweet irony.

This week brought another small scare and some slightly bad news. In the overall scheme of things, this is the best kind of bad news to get, but still scared me. I had another incident, went in for another ultrasound.

The good/great/awesome part: I got to see my little Pumpkin and my oh my is it an active one!!! He/she was wiggling all over the place so much the ultrasound technician had a hard time getting the measurements she needed. I heard a strong, wonderful heartbeat. She confirmed what I already knew which is that an active baby is a healthy baby. Pumpkin is measuring right on target and I got two new WONDERFUL ultrasound pictures where it actually looks like a baby this time! The peanut has definitely grown. Oh, the part that made me cry? Pumpkin fliped around and put it's little hand right in front like it was saying, "Hi Momma!" Yeah, I am a sap.

The not so good, but not so bad part: I have some retroplacental bleeding. A very small amount and the majority of it was already clotted. I get to stop one of my pills which is actually good because I don't like taking a lot of medications anyway.

My progesterone suppositories are only once every other day now.

I am blessed. That is all. :-)

11 weeks 2 days

Yeah, I completely neglected updating on the day of my graduation and then again the day after. My life's been insane, please forgive.

Besides the joy of being so much closer to the end of my first trimester and the next doctor's appointment where we will definitely hear that wonderful heartbeat on the doppler, this week has been momentous for other reasons. I've decreased my progesterone. Now we're down to once a day. In just five short days, it will again go down to every other day.

I feel like I am coming to the other side. I'm coming to peace with my body, even slightly. After losing Lucas, I distrusted and disliked my body. I not only mourned for the child that I lost, but for the fact my body was not competent enough to provide safety and support to my child. I faced the reality that I let my own child down by not providing it with the hormone balance it needed to survive.

But this time, with some medical help, I've done better. I've kept this child safe and protected thus far. And I am planning the entrace to the world this child deserves.

We're getting closer, folks. One and a half weeks to go until we reach the second trimester officially. And hopefully some movement.

10 weeks

Technically 1ow1d because I stink and didn't update yesterday. Yes, you may beat me later for that.

I know I say this every week, but I can hardly believe I'm here! I've come into the double digits of pregnancy! It seems surreal that in less than a week I will be able to hear my baby's heartbeat with a doppler (if I had a doppler to use, that is).

The whole lack of everything bad you hear about the first trimester (pain, morning sickness, mood swings, etc) makes it still hard to believe I am truly pregnant. I do cry a lot and I am exhausted all the time, but nothing near the horror stories so many people portray. I feel fortunate, but it still feels as if it's happening to someone else and not me.

Our first OB appointment was this week. It went wonderfully from my standpoint. The doctor did not get the heartbeat on the doppler, but I was prepared for that since it is so early. Otherwise, my uterus measures on schedule, my pelvis measures a good size for passing a baby and all my bloodwork and urinalysis is awesome. Even cynical Husband liked Dr. McDreamy.

Only 4 more weeks until the next appointment where I get to hear that wonderful little heartbeat!

One whole year

Anyone else noticed that the majority of my posts recently have been comprised of various time formats? Eh, maybe it's just me.

A little more than a year ago my nephew, my godson was born. He's been the joy of my life since the day he was born and absolutely adores his Auntie and Uncle. He actually prefers us to some of his blood family (not that I can blame him). Even through the miscarriage, he healed me in a way that no one else could with nothing more than a goofy grin and contagious laugh.

C, I adore you. I love you. You are a sweet, bright, amazing little boy. You have been so wanted by so many people in your life and we are just thrilled you are here. I can not wait to see where you go, what paths you take and how you grow and learn as you get older. You are a joy to have around sweetheart. Love Always, Auntie Krissy.

9 weeks

I can hardly believe I'm typing that.

I don't feel I belong here. I post on my DIO board and on another pregnancy board, but I feel disconnected. I can't be a joyful, happy expectant mother. Too much has happened. Too much pain led me here.

I think my appointment Monday will do much in calming me. The almost complete lack of morning sickness has really messed with my head. As soon as we get that beautiful little heartbeat on the doppler, I'll breath a big sigh of relief. I don't know that I'll be able to completely relax, but I know I'll feel so much better.

My goal for the next few days is to write down the questions I want to ask at my appointment. I am terrible at remembering (especially now) things like that and this is extremely important. I also want to write a reminder to myself to discuss delivery with the doctor, specifically the fact that I want him to deliver my baby. Not his partner. Not some random doc on call. Him. My Dr. McDreamy. :-)

I gotta say, seeing that ultrasound (which I admit to looking at everyday) does help the disconnected feeling. Looking at that has made me fall so deeply in love with Peanut.

Eight weeks

Technically eight weeks and one day since I was too tired to update yesterday.

Wow. I've made it to eight weeks.

Every day feels like a step higher on a ladder, and every weeks feels like I've reached the top of Mount Everest. I know it seems like such a small accomplishment, but I truly feel like each week is a huge event. I was scared I wouldn't make it to the point where I lost my baby last time and here I am almost twice as far into my pregnancy.

We received the ultrasound images this week. I cried as soon as I opened it and realized that was my baby. The road to get here has been so hard and so long. I've cried so many tears and suffered so much heartache that I can barely believe it's actually happened.

Even typing this I'm crying because I feel so blessed to have this opportunity even though I probably don't deserve it.

Oh and this can not go without mentioning: A major milestone has been reached. In medical terminology, I no longer am carrying an embryo, but a fetus. Hey, it's the little things that make me happy :-)

7 weeks

Brought a scare.

More pain, this time very AF like cramping. Some slight pink spotting. And I do mean slight. Slight enough most people would dismiss it, but present enough to scare me into remembering the last time I saw pink spotting followed shortly by red blood and the loss of my baby.

After a frantic phone call to an understanding doctor, I found myself on my back in a dark ultrasound room at the hospital having both an external and internal ultrasound. The external ultrasound brought no comment or facial expression from my ultrasound tech.

My internal ultrasound brought the most amazing sound I've ever heard: my baby's heartbeat. When it began I looked over at her and said, "Is..." to which she smiled, nodded and said, "The heartbeat." She then called my doctor had a quick phone conference with him and then let me know I am measuring perfectly on schedule and the baby has a good, strong heartbeat.

I've never been this happy. I've never felt the need to cry this much. I am so much in love right now I can not even attempt to form words to describe the overflowing joy in my heart.

I'm pregnant. I finally believe it. I am finally excited about it.

Pain and Nightmares

Yesterday at work I had some sharp lower abdominal pain. No spotting, thankfully, but the pain was enough to concern me. A call to my doula (who was thankfully at a midwife meeting and could pull from their experiences) confirmed my suspicions that it was probably just round ligament pain, i.e. sharp occasional pain in the lower abdomen on one side.

That scare, however, gave me a nightmare. I dreamt that I was bleeding heavily and actually saw a small piece of tissue discharge that looked exactly like the magnified image of the baby's current progress in my ticker. I knew in that instant that I had lost my baby.

It was enough to make me bolt out of bed, run to the bathroom and check for spotting. Again, there was no spotting and I was relieved by that, but still disturbed by that nightmare.

The upside of it all is that with dreams still this vivid, I think my pregnancy is pretty secure.

I'm 6w2d. Only 2 weeks to go.

Six Weeks

No picture this time, nothing's really changed.

I am getting concerned that I have zero morning sickness. I was a little nauseated when I was at the grocery store shopping today, but as soon as I ate something, it went away.

Still have tender boobs, a hard belly and I'm completely exhausted so I'm assuming that's all still good. The best part is: NO SPOTTING! Yes, that does deserve all caps because it is soooo stinking exciting.

If I never get morning sickness then I am just going to assume that I am incredibly blessed with a pleasant pregnancy and be thankful for it.

Right now, I'm just happy to be six weeks. I'm happy I've beaten my previous pregnancy milestone. I am happy to have another chance to be a mom.

Now please excuse me while I do my nightly embryo bedtime story. Yes, I am that weird.

FTR: A gender poll will be finding it's way into creation in about a month. If you want to participate, email me your info and you'll be on my poll mailing list.

en·joy –verb (used with object) 1. to experience with joy; take pleasure in:

I am trying so hard to enjoy this pregnancy. I want to keep every moment in my memory bank to treasure. I just want to sit back and relax and bask in the glow of early pregnancy. The glow you are in before the morning sickness hits you like a ton of bricks and before you weigh 10,000 pounds.

But I can't. I have faced the pain of miscarriage and, while I feel like I've dealt well with it emotionally, part of me can not be that happy, carefree pregnant woman.

I already deeply love this child. I have already bonded with it, but I feel like I am holding a part of myself back because I am so scared of losing my baby again.

I'm already a week farther than I was last time and I've had no spotting even though it is a possible side effect of doing the progesterone suppositories. My breath still catches every time I go to the bathroom, afraid of what the TP will reveal. But I am so happy to report it is always a nice stark white.

I know I won't spend my whole pregnancy this way, but I want to enjoy every moment, not just the end when I'm "safe". I don't know when it will get better, but I am believing I will be able to breathe soon.

Five weeks

So this is what five weeks feels like. I think I like it :-)

I really have no symptoms. I get slightly nauseated if I don't eat for a long period of time (like 6 hours), but no morning sickness yet. The only thing I really notice is the complete and total exhaustion. I am tired all the time and can't ever feel rested enough. I also have some dreams, not good or bad, just weird and very, very vivid..

Tomorrow's the big day

I opted to stay home from work sick today. I was sick all last night (which I just found out could be a side effects of the progesterone) and just couldn't bring myself to go to work today. Normally, I would go to work no matter what. I have been known to go to work after spending the entire night throwing up and running to the toilet for other reasons, but things are different this time, I have to think about the fact I am pregnant. It's not just my body anymore, it's an incubator, a sanctuary, a green house if you will for the next 35w6d.

And tomorrow is the big day. If I can make it through tomorrow with a dark HPT (still getting dark HPTs with less sensitive tests, woohoo) and no spotting, I will be farther along than I was last time. When I had my miscarriage, I began spotting at 15dpo and didn't get any dark positive HPTs.

I feel more positive about this pregnancy. I feel more comfortable with it. I think I am going to make it :-D

Only getting better

My doctor didn't order a beta, so I decided to self-monitor my betas with HPTs. And I have not been disappointed. I never had this dark of a line with my last pregnancy, they actually only got lighter. I think this bean is gonna stick around for a while.

I'm now 4 weeks pregnant. What will become my child is now considered an embryo.

Husband leaned over to me last night and whispered, "I am starting to get excited." I have to agree with those sentiments.

Okay, I believe it.

I am pregnant. I am cautiously happy right now. A call to the doctor's office yielded... nothing. I explained to the unfriendly receptionist that Dr. McDreamy thought I had a low progesterone issue and, thus put me on Clomid. I went on to explain that I just got a positive home pregnancy test and because of a questionable low progesterone issue, I was wondering if he'd want to check my progesterone.

She informed me that he is out of the office for the afternoon and would not be getting back to me until tomorrow afternoon when he returned.

My question (which I didn't bother mentioning to the unfriendly one): If a patient who has had a history of a miscarriage and possibly has low progesterone calls stating she has a positive pregnancy test, wouldn't you try to get some info on this sooner than the next afternoon???

Irregardless of her, I am much calmer in this pregnancy. I feel more secure in it. The fact my HPTs are getting darker is adding to this newfound confidence.

Here is to a confortable, happy 36 weeks of pregnancy.

I think...

I am pregnant.

I think the test is positive.

I think I am excited.

I think I am scared out of my mind.

Friday Five - Late again!

1. Do you ever wonder if the way you see things visually aren't how other people see them?
I know I see people (sometimes even visually) much different than most people. I think that I sometimes find beauty in things most people find weird.

2. What kind of sounds are the most annoying?
Clicking teeth, smacking lips, open-mouthed gum chewing

3. When walking through a store, do you shop with your hands by touching/feeling the texture of things?
Having a grandmother who was blind my entire life and working in the field I do, I tend to rely on touch a lot. And I refuse to buy any blanket that is not pleasing both aesthetically and to feel.

4. If you could only smell three scents for the rest of your life, what would they be?
Clean linen, Husband's cologne, babies

5. What sorts of things do you savor when eating them?
Cheesecake and good, expensive chocolate

I've become rather chatty lately

Considering the fact I've only made five posts this entire year (and we're halfway into February), but I feel the need to blog.

It just sucks that I am not pregnant. And it sucks that I have the label of being under infertility treatment.

I know, I will appreciate my kids more than people who easily get pregnant, but I really am having a hard time dealing with that right now.

All I keep thinking is, "This freaking sucks!!!"

Friday Five, a day late

1. Do you consider yourself to be a good housekeeper? Why or why not?
Yeah, I think so. My house is pretty much always presentable. Not spotless, but presentable.

2. Are there any household chores that you enjoy doing? If so, what and why?
I love to vacuum. I feel like I am really accomplishing something and I love the way my living room looks when I am done.

3. Which household chore frustrates/angers you the most?
Laundry. I hate, hate, hate laundry.

4. When doing household chores, what do you do to make them seem less of a "chore"?
Play music and dance. I love dancing!

5. Which chore do you find yourself doing most often, and why?
Laundry and vacuuming. Laundry... well I don't know why I am always doing laundry, there is only Husband and I in the house. And vacuuming is thanks to the lovely little furbaby that graces our home (and sheds like a maniac).

Roller Coaster Time Again!!

So I've had my fourth failed cycle since I lost Lucas, but it finally brought forth a diagnosis.


My miscarriage in conjunction with my charts (the low temps, so-so thermal shifts and short LPs) points to a low progesterone issue. I'm not happy to know there is something wrong with me (okay, we all knew there is more than one thing wrong with me ;) ), but I am thrilled to know that there is action being taken.

I felt helpless when I laid on the couch bleeding, losing my son. I knew I was losing him, but I couldn't do anything to stop it. I sobbed uncontrollably and began to hate myself for failing so miserably.

I know this may not be the complete answer. I know there will be some nerve-wracking times to come. I know this may not be the magical solution, but it's hope. It's a step in the right direction and it's giving me a reason to try to trust my body again.

So with a renewed hope, I took 50mg of Clomid on cycle days 3 - 7 and am now feeling the severe tell-tale ovulation pains. And when I say pain I mean PAIN. Holy cow I feel like my right ovary is going to pop out of my body. And that left one is twinging as well. Don't care, just give me a baby for it. :-D

I am getting so angry right now

For once, this has nothing to do with TTC.

I am getting sick and tired of having "Welcome" tattooed across my body. I am tired of going out of my way, of asking my friends to do favors for me, of working my butt off for other people and then having them completely disregard me.

I am tired of causing fights between me and Husband because his friend is mad at him for calling in said favor. I am tired of people making rash decisions based on emotion rather than thinking carefully about what they is really best for them.

And really, if this person would think about it, they would realize that the person they think just loves and adores them may be a big, fat liar whereas I have their best interest at heart.

Or, at least, I used to. If they value their future so little, then I won't bother stressing myself out for them.

The numbers are in

When I lost Lucas, I didn't even think to ask the doctor what my beta number was. I was in too much pain to think of anything lucid.

I finally got around to getting a copy of my bloodwork and saw the number:

6.2

A 5.5 beta is considered positive, but that low of a beta combined with the heavy bleeding was just a definite miscarriage.

But knowing the number gives me some sense of peace, some sense of closure.

I feel better seeing the number because it is further physical proof that Lucas was real. I've known it all along, but now I have definitive medical proof to show Husband when he becomes belligerent.