Insensitive in my sensitivity

I both can and can't imagine the immense heartache involved in all aspects of trying to conceive, pregnancy, birth and parenthood. I know what it's like to want a child so much you think your heart is going to decomp from sheer longing. I have no clue how horrible negative after negative test must be to a woman who is growing more and more frustrated with her body. I can't imagine the heartache found in a lost pregnancy or traumatic birth.

I'd like to think that, even though I can't fully comprehend the pain and ache that the women I know, I am sensitive (perhaps not 100% of the time) to their roller coaster-like emotions.

But (and there always has to be a but, doesn't there) I have a feeling my control, my restraint, my sensitivity are about to run out.

One friend in particular (and for the sake of anonymity, I'll call her Chelle) is currently knee-deep in TTC land. She emails or calls me about three times a week with rants on said journey. I commiserate. I empathize. I reassure her that, one way or another, I fully believe she will be pregnant and when she is we will have a very fun, non-alcoholic, girls night out.

Here's my issue, the reason for my ire, if you will: She has kids. I know, I know, that shouldn't change anything for me, but it does. My whining about wanting a baby is dismissed so quickly, whereas hers deserves nothing less than my full and undivided attention, but I don't have that gorgeous little toddler to hold.

I don't think her pain is less worthy because she has that handsome little boy and sweet girl, but when I tell her that it hurts to see pregnancy announcements, belly pictures and shower invitations, she "pooh-pooh's" me.

And all I want to tell her is that I count too.

Thoughts on procreating

I am an on-the-go person. My work schedule is crazy, long hours, mentally exhausting work. My days off are laden with the dozens of commitments I have made to friends and family. Not typically considered to be conducive to having children.

I'm also a little on the OCD side of life. Despite the big, furry ball of love (aka The Dog) that resides in our house, it's immaculate and I am stringent about keeping it that way. Again, not always feasible with little ones.

Finally, I like my "me time". When I've had a crazy/hectic day, knowing I can grab my current book or magazine of choice and waste a few minutes reading. Once a child enters your life, the word "me" can pretty much be forgotten.

These are the things that keep coming to me, that keep making me think I'm not ready in some ways to have a baby.

Sheesh I am way too analytical sometimes.

The Nephew

I admit that I have spent an insane amount of time thinking, okay, obsessing about when Husband and I should try for a child. Because of that, I feel that others should do the same. I understand that there are such things as "oops" babies, however, when you are planning to have a child, I don't think it should just be because you want to, but also because it's the right time in every sense.

Husband's brother and sister-in-law, however, don't share in my thinking. Let me set the scene for you, they are:

• $250,000.00 (a quarter of a million dollars) in debt.
• Husband's brother likes "toys" with big price tags, in spite of their debt, he continues to buy the cameras, models and computer equipment he so longs for.
• The sister-in-law is incapable of making her own decisions. Didn't even choose her own wedding gown or home decor. Um, yeah.
• Their combined salary is that of just Husband's.
• While I adore them both, the brother can be selfish at times and the sister-in-law is indulgent.
• They have barely personalized their home in any way. It's still very stark, very sterile.

When my brain computes this info it comes back with big red flags saying: "Not ready! Not ready!" Apparently brother and sister-in-law disagree since I have this adorable, precious little creature called nephew.

In addition to all the points I highlighted, they also had to add another $10,000 to their debt because sister-in-law has a condition where she is unable to conceive and requires donor eggs. Yep, that means invitro fertilization. See where I am going with this one?

I don't mean to say I am not tickled pink for them, I am.

I don't mean to say I am not thrilled more than words can describe that my gorgeous nephew is here, I am.

I don't mean to say I think they are horrible people, I don't.

My point is, I am just irritated at having waited and planned to such an excruciating detail, making sure every little thing is covered before making this decision. This has involved several dates that were later rescheduled, much to my ire. And I am further annoyed that some people don't care about the meaningless details which have driven me for the past two years.

Yeah, basically I am taking out my frustration on them.

Four days ago my nephew was born

Over the course of the past five and a half years of marriage, the subject of children has come up repeatedly. There were always reasons, logical reasons, not to have them. And, surprisingly, on my reflection of this, almost all my criteria has been met.

• Buy a house: Check
• Husband have secure career making substantial income: Check
• Become physically fit: Check
• Be financially stable: Check
• Have full medical coverage: Check
• Have familial support nearby: Check
• Have close friends with young children: Check
• Be informed about parenting: Check
  

So when my nephew was born, and both Husband and I became so excited and enthralled with this new little being, even more delighted than the new father, I just felt like it was finally time to make the decision. I've thrown out dates before, but always found reasons to back out. Now? Well, now I have a deep longing and no good reason to prolong this any further.

We've finally, finally decided that this time there will not be a rescheduling of our TTC date. It is not a year in the future. It is not some random date chosen out of a heart of desperation for a baby with no logical input applied. This is our painstakingly thought out and planned date to try for our first baby. And this time, it will not change.

I don't yet know who I will choose to share this blog with. It's going to contain so many of my personal outcryings and emotional ramblings, I am scared to put it out there to all those I know.

Welcome to the world, little one, and thanks for stirring my heart enough to finally make a decision. I love you.