Lying

To myself, that is.

I just made a confession on True Mom Confessions. I cried the entire time I typed it. I cried as I read confessions from moms. I cried because some were beautiful and sweet. I cried because some had me questioning why these incompetent people could be parents and not me.

I lie and tell myself that I'm okay that I'm not pregnant.

I lie and tell Husband, when his disappointment in the BFN is as evident as mine, that the next cycle will be the cycle.

I lie when I smile and say I'm not going to let it get me down.

Not me. Not now.

I feel very repetitious. That's right kiddies, I am not pregnant this cycle.

I can never be patient. I can never just wait to see what happens. I have to further the torture, to increase the pain by ignoring the temperature dip, ignoring the singular line on the pregnancy test and then decompensating when I get out of my shower to find AF in full force.

I sent Husband a text message because I couldn't bear to actually tell him, "I'm not pregnant."

I know I sound awfully dramatic, but this negative hit me so hard.

A little retail therapy today helped, but it's still difficult. Oh, and the retail therapy included me buying two pairs of maternity pants. Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. In my defense, they were 75% off and will be of major use whenever I finally see those two lines.

There are bright sides to this BFN, there really are and I may get in to those at a later date, but right now I just feel the need to wallow. It's okay if I wallow, right?

Not so much now

I truly was hopeful at the beginning of the cycle. Moreso when I noticed some favorable changes in my chart.

But now I've been analyzing my chart. Okay, the correct word would be "0ver-analyzing". Based on my chart, based on what I'm seeing, I don't think it's the cycle. My temps are way too low to indicate a successful cycle.

Even my logical side is conflicted, though. As I look at my chart and note the low temps, I also remind myself that I am currently only 8dpo. Ruling myself out at this point is not only premature, but opening myself up to unnecessary heartache. Wait until the unfortunate arrival of AF or a negative test before becoming upset.

I'm trying not to fall into that familiar pit of despair I went to everytime over the past two years I realized we had to prolong trying for a baby for one reason or another. I've wanted a baby for so long, having to delay TTC hurt me a little more each time. Now, facing the reality of a BFN, even if it is only in my second month, hurts even worse.

All props to women who suffer years of infertility. Two cycles and my heart is aching, you all have my deepest respect.

"Cause it’s all in my head, I think about it over and over again"

If fertilization occured, it is highly improbable that implantation has happened and it is the implantation that triggers all the hormonal changes that begin the pregnancy symtoms.

And yet, even with this bit of knowledge tucked away in my little brain, I still am creating these imaginary symptoms. Increased appetite, frequent urination, stomach cramps in the muscles.

Sheesh, I have nine more days of this. This will not be good.

Deep, calming breath

I feel very good about this cycle.

This blog is full of TMI, so I won't even give that warning, but if you are a family member of mine or Husband's, perhaps it would be beneficial to stop reading... ASAP.

After Husband and I bd last night (following my very first positive OPK), about 45 minutes later, I had very distinct O pains. The only difference this that I can usually feel which side they are on, this time I felt them on both sides. Yes, I know what I am implying by saying that, but it was clearly Mittelschmerz and clearly on both sides.

I know even with perfect timing and perfect conditions, there is only a 25% chance of conception, but I feel so optimistic that this cycle is going to work. I don't quite know why, but I just do.

Optimism –noun 1. a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.

I have hope.

I wasn't a complete mess after the last cycle, I know it may have come across as such, but I truly wasn't. Even before entering my first cycle, I told myself the chances of conception occurring on the first try were slim to none. While I stayed realistic, some disappointment hit me along with the hormones of AF making me downright pissy.

This month was going along quite swimmingly with my new thermometer and all, until Sunday night's fireworks display. It's been insanely cold here at night and was rather cool all day Sunday, the one day we had planned to be out in the weather. So, yeah, I'm sick. Which means my temps are all screwed up which means my chart is all screwed up.

Thank God for the power of OPKs. Yesterday's OPK was just a very faint second line that would have taken my doctor's 90D lens to view. This morning's test line was definitely there, but lighter than the control line.

However, this evening's test was the same as the control line. I plan to retest once more tonight before Husband gets home, hoping it will be positive. Thankfully, in spite of the sickness I'll be able to tell my approximate O date.

I feel, for some reason, very positive, very optimistic about this cycle.

Here goes nothing!

Holding patterns suck

In the message boards I'm on and of all the blinkies I've seen, much is made of the "two week wait" post ovulation until testing time. But I am currently in the midst of another kind of two week wait, waiting to ovulate.

I really dislike this wait. At least after I ovulate I have the "I've done all I can do, now it's my turn to trust God and trust my body and let go". Right now I feel such pressure to monitor every idiosyncrasy of my body so that I don't overlook an ovulation symptom to make sure our BD timing is correct. And last month I missed the cues and, while our BD timing wasn't horrible, it obviously wasn't good enough.

This particular point in my cycle makes me beat myself up expecting perfection, and an almost ESP like ability to time my BD correctly. Yes, I chart religiously and even use those blasted OPKs that counfound me monthly, but I still feel like I am under such pressure right now. BION, the two week post O wait is much more relaxing for me.

I am just weird like that ;-)