Such a big and small thing all at once

As irony would have it, I detest going to the doctor. I say ironic because I am a medical technician for a private physician. Yeah, I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma (kudos to anyone to can accurately attribute that quote).

The last time I saw a doctor was a little over two years ago after I was in a head on collision and felt I needed a follow-up. Don't get me started on the grumbling that occured after that ignorant doctor's examination of me.

But I am embarking on this TTC journey, so common sense dictates I get a complete physical, address the two aspects of my current health status that are questionable and get that most beloved of exams, the pap smear. As Husband's company recently changed insurance, I had to wait for the new cards to arrive.

I got the card on Thursday morning.

I had set the appointment by Thursday afternoon.

It's May 10th.

One step closer...

Silence Sucks

There is someone in my life, someone I've mentioned on here before, who means a lot to me. She is related to me by blood, but we have a friendship that, I feel, transcends those basic familial ties.

I remember discussing her first pregnancy and traumatic birth experience. I remember the great openness we had when she decided to try for her third child, especially since I was finally in a position to seriously consider having a child of my own. I remember cheering her on through her second pregnancy, even though I was a little emotionally tender from hearing about it, I kept the pom-poms upright and the pleated skirt straight. And I remember doing my absolute best to support her in the aftermath of yet another medically terrifying and emotionally crushing delivery.

I always planned on having her with me when I went on this TTC journey for real. I wanted to email her my updates, rants and raves. Send tons of meaningless links about cribs, cradles, breastfeeding, parenting and tons more. Coming up with some adorable way to proclaim the actual conception and immediately giving it to her. Sending the inevitable belly pictures.

But I haven't. I can't.

Her two prior traumatic births and current reproductive uncertainty have left a larger scar than I had originally thought. She recently wrote me to vent about her best friend, her sister, who has be unreasonably gush-y in the whole pregnancy/baby department. I completely understand where she is coming from and I am happy that I could help, in some small way, by just listening. But it's given me a bit of a complex. I am very scared of saying something to hurt her, the last thing I'd ever want to do. So I say nothing.

It kills me, but I say nothing.

When addictions collide

I think that the baby obsession I have is obvious, a lesser known, but equally pathetic compulsion of mine is interior design. I've put innumerable hours into painstakingly searching for the ideal themes and accents for my home. I take pride in being a creative, yet sophisticated person and like my home to reflect that. I am also huge on having my home be a "show piece" so to speak. I enjoy the fact that our friends drool when they visit.

Unfortunately today, two of my major fixations met for coffee, got to know each other and before you knew it were married in Vegas forming an unholy union known as Nursery Decor. Moreover, the "Rate My Space" gallery of nursery decor available on www.hgtv.com.

In addition to spending copious amounts of time on said website, I was reminded of a favorite guilty pleasure of mine, Babies R Us. Yes, I can hear the groaning already. It's an overpriced pit filled with useless objects in cute shapes and colors to lure emotional new parents, family and friends into bankruptcy. But they do have some amazing bedding sets.

Since the last time I ventured down this destructive path, some new ones have been added. Enjoy the descent into frivolosity (my new word o' the day):

Lambs & Ivy Froggy Tales

Green Acres by Glenna Jean

Dream With Me by Glenna Jean

Dragonfly by Baby Fish

The Name Game

I am kind of weird when it comes to baby named. Husband and I both loved two particular baby names for girls, but between the newspaper announcements, friends and all the "Top Ten Baby Name" lists I've seen, both are highly popular names. So, in my opinion, both are down the tubes.

I don't like far out weird baby names that no one can ever spell, pronounce or "get", but I like names that aren't so common that my child will merely become known as Ashley C. in her class.

So today I specifically typed in the phrase, "unique baby names" and came across this website as a result. Some of the suggestions on here I actually like.

Alternative Baby Names

A quandary

I have a situation. A dilemma. A pickle, if you will.

There is someone in my life that I just adore. We have a unique relationship, but it includes, for the most part, a great deal of honesty and candor. She is someone I share the most important details of my life with... and a lot of the mundane ones as well.

Naturally, you'd expect me to tell her, immediately, of our plans to have a child. One glitch: I can't. More to the point, I can't without potentially breaking her heart.

Here's the thing, she went through a major pregnancy loss a year and a half ago. Since then, obviously, she's been very sensitive to baby talk. Completely understandable, of course. So I avoid it. Like. The. Plague.

My big problem in this entire situation is that I want to talk to her about this so badly. I want to share with her my excitement, concerns, general thoughts and tidbits. Almost every day I come close to hitting "send" on a baby-filled email before I delete it and miss our former openness.

The problem arises

Since I am not entirely convinced that pregnancy is a real possibility (because my mind plays these games with me and makes up symptoms), I couldn't justify spending a fortune on an expensive super-sensitive home pregnancy test. So I bought an uber-cheap Dollar Tree HPT.

As I previously stated, I have not been paying attention to my cycle at all this month, so I can't even confirm my O date to know where I am in my cycle. Since I am unsure, I know I should use FMU (first morning urine) to assure the best chance of a correct result.

But, um, hello! I am a woman who wants a baby, has a (very slight) possibility of pregnancy and a home pregnancy test. Yeah, this will be a fun night.

Oh and let's not forget that I am intentionally not telling Husband about my symptoms when, in conjunction with his observation, are leading me on this crazy thought pattern, this means I have to not test and not mention testing tonight.

Thank God I have a busy night ahead of me to keep my mind occupied.



[FTR: As with many things, HPTs are super cheap for companies to make, but, by playing on the emotions of wanna-be parents, they mark up their prices to a ridiculous level. A HPT from the Dollar Tree is the same sensitivity as some more expensive ones.]

Off to the store ventures your fearless heroine

I've been a very naughty girl lately. For someone who claims to want to TTC soon, I haven't been paying one iota of attention to my cycle. In reality, Husband has been paying more attention than I. Sad isn't it?

Last night he made a comment about the fact that evil AF hasn't shown up yet. I kinda dismissed him and then realized "Hey, he's right!"

I may be stretching this a bit, but I am off to buy a test. I'm not really ready to be pregnant just yet. I wanted to wait about two more months before beginning the TTC journey. I know two months isn't that long, but for me, it's long enough to get all my ducks in a row. At present there are still a few outlying ducklings ;-)

The Lies We Tell

The Plan, ever since I was a child, was for me to be a stay-at-home mom. Perhaps not forever, but until the children were in all-day school. I made this very clear to Husband before the fateful "I do's" were said. I was firm in my stance that I wanted to be SAHM. Now that I am older and the majority of my friends are parents, I am even more convinced that being a SAHM is the right choice for me.

That said, I adore my career, most especially now that I work for such a fantastic man. He's always been incredibly generous to his staff and is wonderful to me in many ways other than just financially. I can't say enough about his thoughtfulness and compassion. Since I've begun working for him, I have been encouraged by a few friends and Husband to try to work part-time for him since he is such an outstanding employer.

The problem is, there is no such thing as part-time in this office. Either you are in it totally or not at all.

So I've said numerous times in the office, when the topic has come up, or the question asked, that I don't want children. It's career strategizing at it's most mediocre. If I acknowledge my desire for children, then it will inevitably be brought up about my working plans post child birth. I don't want to express my desire to be a SAHM because, as wonderful as my boss is, there are others in the office who would have much to say. There would also be a lot of jealousy from said colleagues because they are not financially able to do the same, and in a small office, that situation is not ideal.

Yes, it's an outright lie, but until I actually do conceive, I choose to keep my secrets well hidden.