Sunday, March 30, 2008

One whole year

Anyone else noticed that the majority of my posts recently have been comprised of various time formats? Eh, maybe it's just me.

A little more than a year ago my nephew, my godson was born. He's been the joy of my life since the day he was born and absolutely adores his Auntie and Uncle. He actually prefers us to some of his blood family (not that I can blame him). Even through the miscarriage, he healed me in a way that no one else could with nothing more than a goofy grin and contagious laugh.

C, I adore you. I love you. You are a sweet, bright, amazing little boy. You have been so wanted by so many people in your life and we are just thrilled you are here. I can not wait to see where you go, what paths you take and how you grow and learn as you get older. You are a joy to have around sweetheart. Love Always, Auntie Krissy.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

9 weeks

I can hardly believe I'm typing that.

I don't feel I belong here. I post on my DIO board and on another pregnancy board, but I feel disconnected. I can't be a joyful, happy expectant mother. Too much has happened. Too much pain led me here.

I think my appointment Monday will do much in calming me. The almost complete lack of morning sickness has really messed with my head. As soon as we get that beautiful little heartbeat on the doppler, I'll breath a big sigh of relief. I don't know that I'll be able to completely relax, but I know I'll feel so much better.

My goal for the next few days is to write down the questions I want to ask at my appointment. I am terrible at remembering (especially now) things like that and this is extremely important. I also want to write a reminder to myself to discuss delivery with the doctor, specifically the fact that I want him to deliver my baby. Not his partner. Not some random doc on call. Him. My Dr. McDreamy. :-)

I gotta say, seeing that ultrasound (which I admit to looking at everyday) does help the disconnected feeling. Looking at that has made me fall so deeply in love with Peanut.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Eight weeks

Technically eight weeks and one day since I was too tired to update yesterday.

Wow. I've made it to eight weeks.

Every day feels like a step higher on a ladder, and every weeks feels like I've reached the top of Mount Everest. I know it seems like such a small accomplishment, but I truly feel like each week is a huge event. I was scared I wouldn't make it to the point where I lost my baby last time and here I am almost twice as far into my pregnancy.

We received the ultrasound images this week. I cried as soon as I opened it and realized that was my baby. The road to get here has been so hard and so long. I've cried so many tears and suffered so much heartache that I can barely believe it's actually happened.

Even typing this I'm crying because I feel so blessed to have this opportunity even though I probably don't deserve it.

Oh and this can not go without mentioning: A major milestone has been reached. In medical terminology, I no longer am carrying an embryo, but a fetus. Hey, it's the little things that make me happy :-)

Thursday, March 13, 2008

7 weeks

Brought a scare.

More pain, this time very AF like cramping. Some slight pink spotting. And I do mean slight. Slight enough most people would dismiss it, but present enough to scare me into remembering the last time I saw pink spotting followed shortly by red blood and the loss of my baby.

After a frantic phone call to an understanding doctor, I found myself on my back in a dark ultrasound room at the hospital having both an external and internal ultrasound. The external ultrasound brought no comment or facial expression from my ultrasound tech.

My internal ultrasound brought the most amazing sound I've ever heard: my baby's heartbeat. When it began I looked over at her and said, "Is..." to which she smiled, nodded and said, "The heartbeat." She then called my doctor had a quick phone conference with him and then let me know I am measuring perfectly on schedule and the baby has a good, strong heartbeat.

I've never been this happy. I've never felt the need to cry this much. I am so much in love right now I can not even attempt to form words to describe the overflowing joy in my heart.

I'm pregnant. I finally believe it. I am finally excited about it.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Pain and Nightmares

Yesterday at work I had some sharp lower abdominal pain. No spotting, thankfully, but the pain was enough to concern me. A call to my doula (who was thankfully at a midwife meeting and could pull from their experiences) confirmed my suspicions that it was probably just round ligament pain, i.e. sharp occasional pain in the lower abdomen on one side.

That scare, however, gave me a nightmare. I dreamt that I was bleeding heavily and actually saw a small piece of tissue discharge that looked exactly like the magnified image of the baby's current progress in my ticker. I knew in that instant that I had lost my baby.

It was enough to make me bolt out of bed, run to the bathroom and check for spotting. Again, there was no spotting and I was relieved by that, but still disturbed by that nightmare.

The upside of it all is that with dreams still this vivid, I think my pregnancy is pretty secure.

I'm 6w2d. Only 2 weeks to go.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Six Weeks

No picture this time, nothing's really changed.

I am getting concerned that I have zero morning sickness. I was a little nauseated when I was at the grocery store shopping today, but as soon as I ate something, it went away.

Still have tender boobs, a hard belly and I'm completely exhausted so I'm assuming that's all still good. The best part is: NO SPOTTING! Yes, that does deserve all caps because it is soooo stinking exciting.

If I never get morning sickness then I am just going to assume that I am incredibly blessed with a pleasant pregnancy and be thankful for it.

Right now, I'm just happy to be six weeks. I'm happy I've beaten my previous pregnancy milestone. I am happy to have another chance to be a mom.

Now please excuse me while I do my nightly embryo bedtime story. Yes, I am that weird.

FTR: A gender poll will be finding it's way into creation in about a month. If you want to participate, email me your info and you'll be on my poll mailing list.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

en·joy –verb (used with object) 1. to experience with joy; take pleasure in:

I am trying so hard to enjoy this pregnancy. I want to keep every moment in my memory bank to treasure. I just want to sit back and relax and bask in the glow of early pregnancy. The glow you are in before the morning sickness hits you like a ton of bricks and before you weigh 10,000 pounds.

But I can't. I have faced the pain of miscarriage and, while I feel like I've dealt well with it emotionally, part of me can not be that happy, carefree pregnant woman.

I already deeply love this child. I have already bonded with it, but I feel like I am holding a part of myself back because I am so scared of losing my baby again.

I'm already a week farther than I was last time and I've had no spotting even though it is a possible side effect of doing the progesterone suppositories. My breath still catches every time I go to the bathroom, afraid of what the TP will reveal. But I am so happy to report it is always a nice stark white.

I know I won't spend my whole pregnancy this way, but I want to enjoy every moment, not just the end when I'm "safe". I don't know when it will get better, but I am believing I will be able to breathe soon.