Saturday, January 12, 2008

I am getting so angry right now

For once, this has nothing to do with TTC.

I am getting sick and tired of having "Welcome" tattooed across my body. I am tired of going out of my way, of asking my friends to do favors for me, of working my butt off for other people and then having them completely disregard me.

I am tired of causing fights between me and Husband because his friend is mad at him for calling in said favor. I am tired of people making rash decisions based on emotion rather than thinking carefully about what they is really best for them.

And really, if this person would think about it, they would realize that the person they think just loves and adores them may be a big, fat liar whereas I have their best interest at heart.

Or, at least, I used to. If they value their future so little, then I won't bother stressing myself out for them.

Monday, January 7, 2008

The numbers are in

When I lost Lucas, I didn't even think to ask the doctor what my beta number was. I was in too much pain to think of anything lucid.

I finally got around to getting a copy of my bloodwork and saw the number:


A 5.5 beta is considered positive, but that low of a beta combined with the heavy bleeding was just a definite miscarriage.

But knowing the number gives me some sense of peace, some sense of closure.

I feel better seeing the number because it is further physical proof that Lucas was real. I've known it all along, but now I have definitive medical proof to show Husband when he becomes belligerent.