Sunday, November 11, 2007

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

I am doing so much better than I was on Thursday. I had to tell a bunch of people today that I hadn't told yet. That was sooo hard.

Last night I had the opportunity to talk to a friend of mine whom I haven't spoken with in months. She has had several miscarriages and was a great source of information for me. She validated my feelings and even agreed with me about naming the baby and buying something in his memory.

I told her that I have dealt with the pain and disappointment of losing Lucas, but what has been bothering me the most is the fact that no one else will remember him. In ten years probably none of my friends will remember that I had a miscarriage, but I will always mourn my baby. No one will remember the life that wasn't even given a chance.

It saddens me so much that the only heart that grieves for him is mine, the only tears that are cried for him are mine, the only one who mourns what he may have contributed to the world is me.

He deserves more. I feel like I should take out a full-page ad in the paper saying, "The world lost the promise of a new life. You may have never known him, but he had an impact on someone and he will be missed. He may have never taken a breath but he was deeply loved and at least one person will always mourn his loss."

I'm doing better, but I still miss my baby. I don't cry every day, but my heart still mourns. I am coping, but I will never be "over it".

Saturday, November 10, 2007

No, no, no

I feel like I want to run around the room, jump up and down on the couch and scream, "No, no, no!!! No, you don't know!"

I received an email from a friend saying how sorry she was that I lost my baby (I've decided to name him and his name is Lucas). At the end of the email she said, "I know how you feel, the pain of not getting pregnant for several months when I was TTC was unbearable."

No!! No you do NOT know how I feel! I have dealt with the pain of not getting pregnant for months and months. I know what that pain is like it is NOT the same thing. You have not had a miscarriage, you do NOT know how I feel.

Do not minimalize my pain. I lost my child. I understand this child was just a vague future possibility to you, but he was real to me. I fell in love with him the moment I knew he was inside of me. There was not a moment that went by that I didn't love him more than I have ever loved another human being. And when I knew I was losing him and there was nothing I could do to stop it I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

So, please, do NOT tell me that you know how I feel. There is no possible way you know how I feel right now.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Sometimes tears aren't enough

I can't adequately verbalize my feelings right now, it just hurts too much.

I was pregnant. Four weeks and three days pregnant.

I lost my baby today. I didn't get a chance to hold him, to feel him move inside of me, to hear his cry, to hear his laughter, to see him smile or smother him in kisses. I lost him before he became real to anyone except for me.

How do I say goodbye ... when I didn't get to say hello?
I want so bad to keep you ... how do I let you go?
I have so many dreams, so much love I want to share
There's nothing I can do ...why is life unfair?
You're my perfect angel...I dreamed you long ago
I never got to hold you but it breaks my heart to let you go
The pain and confusion I feel inside
I can not explain...I can not describe
God will rock you in your cradle and watch you as you sleep
I will love you in my heart ... it's all I get to keep
you are blessed my child ... you're in heaven up above
You'll never be have Mommy & Daddy's love
Hush my little need not ever cry
You were always wanted! I wish you didn't die
You'll be my sunshine in the daylight and the brightest star at night
Reach for God's hand and go to the light
I would rather endure the pain of losing you right now
Then the thought of you suffering thru life...we'll get thru somehow
I was blessed to have you briefly...even though I have to let you go
I wish I knew the reason but I guess I'll never know