Thursday, May 31, 2007

Why must I torture myself by reading?

So after purchasing* some OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) I began to wonder, as my overactive mind tends to do, when the best time would be to take said OPK. Now, I had just assumed that it would be first thing in the AM as you do with HPTs.

Au contraire.

Google, she is a helpful thing. And she provided me with this site, which gave me this info:
Q: What time of day should I test?
A: The best time to test is 2 p.m., or as close as possible. Anytime between noon and 8 p.m. is fine, first morning urine is not recommended. The reason for this is that most women experience a surge in the morning, but it can take 4 hours for it to show up in your urine.
Make sure to test at about the same time every day.

And further perusal of said site led to reading this:
Q: I used an OPK, my timing was perfect, why didn't I get pregnant?
A: It often takes a number of perfectly timed cycles before pregnancy is achieved. The chances of getting pregnant each cycle varies a bit with age. If you are 20-25, your chance per cycle are about 25%. From there they begin to fall off. At 25-30 your chances are about 20%. At 30-35 they are about 15%. After 35 they may be about 10% per ovulatory cycle, and the chances continue the downward trend.
This means that the average woman under 30 will get pregnant within 6 cycles. If you don't succeed after a year, it is a good idea to consult a fertility specialist. Women in their early 30s get pregnant on average by the end of 9 cycles. Mid-30s would be a year. If you are over 35, you should consult a fertility specialist if you have not achieved pregnancy within 6 months. Why 6 months when it can take a year? Because your chances of conception are lower and miscarriage rates are higher -- it is better not to waste time.

Okay, bad, bad idea for me to read that. Only a 25% chance of getting pg each cycle? I knew it wasn't a supremely high chance, but twenty-five???

Yeah, my over active anxiety levels just can't handle that kind of information.

Announcement questions

I have been thinking a lot about who to tell I am pregnant, when to tell them and how to tell them.

Obviously Husband will be the second to know (I'm kinda the first;-). I have a few ideas in mind of how to announce it to him, but I'm still not exactly sure. I love the idea of making it an event rather than just simply saying, "I'm pregnant!" But depending on how excited I am, I may just blurt it out!

I am betting on my mom being next in line. She lives next door to us now and is one of my best friends. We are super close and I can't imagine waiting longer than a day to tell her. However, again, I want to tell her in a special way, so we shall see if I can contain myself long enough to go through with the plan.

Husband will probably tell his parents. In all honesty, with their personalities and mindset, I will just probably buy them some flowers or something similar, not making it quite the event my mom will have.

As far as our friends go, I doubt we will do any sort of formal announcing. Husband will probably call his brother immediately because that's just how they are. Actually, Husband will probably blurt it out to all of our friends, he's just so excited.

My only concern is telling too many people too soon and something going wrong. I know it's very dark of me to even consider a miscarriage, but it is a reality that should be considered. I don't know if I could handle all the sympathy I'd get. Not that I wouldn't appreciate being comforted, but hearing "I'm so sorry" or "Is there anything I can do?" from twenty-five people can be overwhelming. I am fortunate to have compassionate friends, but hearing repetitive condolences would be hard.

Have I mentioned I tend to overanalyze?

Monday, May 28, 2007

Not usually an excitable event

I've never been too thrilled at the appearance of AF. Or, more accurately, the signs of approaching AF.

But I started spotting tonight and got an immediate big goofy grin on my face. By spotting I don't mean the microscopic false spotting I thought I saw last night, I mean the real deal which hails the imminent arrival of AF in the next day or two.

I haven't taken down my countdown ticker just yet, I want to wait until AF comes in full force, but I think that will occur tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm a giddy, giddy, giddy girl.

I feel kind of like I am standing on a precipice. As I sit alone in my living room reality is surrounding me like a cloud. I don't mean to sound overly dramatic, but for some reason the realization hitting me when I'm alone has made it more profound to me and awaken the poet inside, hence the epodic ramblings.

Problem #3,295 with outsourcing

I'm not going to get in to a political debate about party vs party, or agenda vs agenda, I'm just going to rant about outsourcing, big companies and how they are giving me a headache.

Prior to our move, we had a PO box address. After we moved, we retained the PO box for a while and slowly began changing our bills over to the new address to do it in something resembling a controlled fashion so nothing would get missed. Or so we thought.

We changed one particular credit card last and decided to wait until after the holidays to change it... just in case. We haven't received a bill from them since March. We got a phone call today saying our card was past due. Why? Because we haven't received a bill!

Interestingly enough, when I was speaking to the person about the bill, she asked me to confirm my address since I claimed I hadn't received a bill. Now, I bet you are thinking that they didn't change the address, right? Umm, no, they changed it. To something not even close to what the old or new address is! They took our street number, made it a PO Box instead, didn't change the city, but changed the zip code!

I was not a happy camper. To make me even more unhappy, the person I was speaking to obviously did not speak English as her first language. Heck, I can't even say it was her second language as I had to slowly spell out the word "Old" for her. Twice. And then I demanded to talk to a CSR who speaks English in order to get these ridiculous late fees removed from our account.

Grrrr, good thing I am stressing prior to TTC or being pg. This would NOT be good for the baby.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

How you know you have a problem

As I've said before, Husband and I have used NFP as our chosen method of birth control for many years. As such, I've become well used to checking the TP for CM and/or spotting. It's pretty much a habit now.

Tonight, I analyzed and scrutinized that poor TP to death, holding it up to the light and trying to convince myself there was a streak of pink on it denoting the onset of AF.

There was no streak. If there was truly a streak of pink, it would take a 90 diopter lens in order to really see it.

This is the first time in my life I have been praying to get my period, wanting desperately to have a fresh cycle so I can get on with the process of TTC. I feel like I am in such a holding pattern right now.

Okay, so in my time zone I only have 1.5 more hours in this day and then it will be CD27, some spotting should definitely be present.

Best. Book. Ever.

My doula (okay, I am not even pregnant yet, but she will be my doula, so I am just going to call her that) recommended a book to me when I was talking to her about TTC. I've raved about this book before, but I must again highlight something of brilliance from Sheila Kitzinger's The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth.

About labor pain: "The important thing to understand is that for most women the pain of labor is different from the pain of injury. Some women describe it as "positive pain" or "pain with a purpose".

I admit, like any normal woman who has not experienced childbirth or labor before, I am scared. I want to have an unmedicated delivery. It's just the better option for mother and child, if it's possible. But I am scared I can't do it. Terrified may be a better word.

I don't really trust myself to handle the pain, to deliver my child. I'm working on that. I know that believing in myself and believing in the capability of my body is one of the most important components of achieving the delivery I want, so I am trying to get to that place. Reading that quote, however, has done a lot to settle me and make me think that I really can do this.

I am stronger than I give myself credit for.

Why do I feel the sudden urge to start chanting "Girl Power!"?

Five days, people. Let the insanity begin.

Saturday, May 26, 2007

The birthday, recapped

I know the premise of this blog is all baby related, but since I will be the housing unit for said future child for 40 (hopefully) weeks and it's nourishment until he/she decides to wean, I think I could do a little Krissy talk for a bit.

Okay, Krissy whine is more appropriate.

Yesterday was my birthday. Now, this was not a monumental birthday, i.e. it wasn't my 10th, 13th, 16th, 18th, 21st or 30th bday, but it was still the anniversary of the date I entered the world.

As usual my mom went above and beyond just because she's my mom and is happier than anyone else that I am alive.

My doctor and coworkers remembered my bday (the truth is, I think my coworkers only remember anyone else on staff's bday because it means the doctor will buy us lunch and cake). And, in his usual fashion, my doctor closely examined my face for wrinkles. What a charmer.

Husband, however, disappointed me. For many years now, I've received a dozen roses from him, delivered to my work on my birthday (or close to it). Not this year. And when I was asked by people what he got me for my birthday, all I could say was, "Nothing." Not even a card.

Now, when he got home from work he brought me a dozen roses, but they appeared to have been bought last minute and weren't the perkiest roses if you know what I mean.

In his defense, he promised me that next weekend, when we have some free time to go shopping together, he wants to buy me new clothes for summer as none of my clothes from last year fit anymore. Don't know why, but something about losing 120 pounds makes your old wardrobe baggy ;-) But next weekend isn't my birthday! Yesterday was my birthday!

I've never been overly concerned with my birthday before. I've never really cared whether anyone remembered or forgot, but this year it's bothering me. Maybe it's the hormones, maybe it's the fact that I have siblings who ignored the anniversary of my birth as well.

Maybe I am just being a pain in the butt :-)

In other news, six more days!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

One week

One week from today is May 31st.

One week from tomorrow, my birthday, is June 1st

June 1st is our day.

Part of me is scared I will get pregnant the first month. I know that sounds silly, absurd and would irritate people who've been trying for months, even years with no success, but I am scared it will be "too easy" if that makes sense.

Another part of me is scared it will take months. I am prepared to have three or four unsuccessful cycles, but the thought of six months or a year TTC has me concerned. I have a pseudo-hard exterior, but in reality, I am a big softy and repeated BFNs scare me.

Good grief, I do overthink a lot, don't I?

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

A short Husband brag

Actually, a long Husband brag.

First off, let me say, it hasn't always been sunshine and roses with Husband and I. Last year at this time we almost joined the ranks of the divorce statistics. I'm not exaggerating with that statement. It was almost all over. But, Husband did something amazing and proved to me that our marriage was more important than his pride. He went to marriage counseling with me after months of fighting me. And it, literally, saved our marriage. This may sound cliche, but now that we've moved past the crisis I am thankful for it because it showed me the true strength of our relationship.

That said, I can be awfully critical of him at times, so let me take a moment to brag a bit.

Five years ago when his great niece was an infant, he gagged when she spit up a little on him, threw her into my arms and began ripping clothes off. Basically, he was completely spastic about the bodily functions of a baby, not a great indicator of future father material. He has repeatedly told me he couldn't handle changing diapers. Not even wet ones. Point blank refused.

This week, the Nephew (who will henceforth be known as Peanut because that's what I call him and I just can't stand calling him Nephew any more) had his first cold. Saturday night he threw up about two ounces of formula all over daddy. Sunday morning he threw up a large amount of formula all over Husband. In an event I can refer to as nothing short of miraculous, Husband put Peanut on his changing table, took off his outfit and cleaned him up before removing his own polo shirt. He then proceeded to change a poopy diaper before redressing him. Yep, my husband.

FTR, this is the second dirty diaper he has changed in the past two weeks and has even mastered the technique of changing a little boy without getting squirted. I was impressed and proud.

In addition to this, I have to brag on Husband's professional accomplishments. One of the girls I work with has a husband who is unemployed and not even attempting to attain employment. He's using school as an excuse (I won't go into all the details), but it's a bunch of bologna. But this particular man's lack of ambition and lack of responsibility has made me more appreciative of Husband's career and resilience.

When we were dating and first married he was a pilot. Then 9/11 happened. I think you can guess where his career went. Without missing a beat, he entered a new field and has become immensely successful. In the space of three years he has been promoted three times, received half a dozen raises and obtained 100% company paid medical, dental and vision insurance for himself and any dependents. In addition, he has begun his own company and has been very successful with it, making an amazing supplemental income. Between these two careers, I'll be afforded the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom. And I adore him for the fact he understood and embraced my need to be a SAHM and made major moves to make that possible.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Even in my addiction, I find fault

Yes, I am still hopelessly addicted to nusery bedding and decor. One of my family members recently posted a picture on her blog of bunk beds from the uber expensive Posh Tots website. Posh Tots. I had not yet drooled over their bedding! You can see where this is going by now, can't you?

I will, of course share all the cutesy goodness with you of the bedding sets I love, but first a mini rant. I understand that you need to come up with catchy titles, names and themes for your nursery decor sets, but shouldn't they at least be logical?

Take this, for example:
Posh Tots Beach Baby Bedding

What about that bedding set says "Beach" to them? Safari? Perhaps, but definitely not beach. Come now folks, don't stretch my credibility albeit as a gullible consumer.

Posh Tots Lollipops Bedding

The lollipops I am not buying. Now a "State Fair" or "Circus" them, YES, but not lollipops.

Okay, now here's a total baby bedding love:
Sleepy Moon

And for the Husband:
Choo Choo Express

On another note, twelve days to go.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

What tomorrow holds...

It seems like every day I am coming to a point where I am doing something daily, even something little, in preparation for TTC.

Tomorrow I plan to purchase some storage containers for our winter clothing and also to organize the second bedroom, which will become the nursery when we successfully conceive. I'm also going to get another bottle of prenatal vitamins. I've been remiss in taking them, completely forgot to get a new bottle when I ran out, so I must get on the ball with this.

There are so many tiny details I feel need to be in place before June 1st, it seems impossible and highlights my obsessive nature, but they are necessary things for me. I have the utmost respect for anyone who has an "oops" baby. I am planning this out with painstaking detail and still feel unprepared.

In other news, fifteen days to go.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Updates du jour

Yet another example of how fantastic my PCP is: Had my appointment with her on Thursday, got orders for bloodwork. Had said blood drawn on Saturday morning, by Monday even she had called me with the results. Love that kind of turn around time.

The results were, by the way, normal.

Had a very, very interesting discussion with some friends of mine last night. I mentioned to one of them the names of OBs my doctor had recommended. Interestingly enough, the two docs are in the same practice as the doctor I had thought of (who was recently named one of the top 150 doctors of various specialties in the Pittsburgh area). So when I brought up these names to my friends, two of them raved about the doctor I had originally wanted to see. It feels great to get confirmation that she's a good doctor and someone I could work with.

Sixteen days to go.

This is my last cycle before we start TTC.


Thursday, May 10, 2007

Medical stuff du jour

Today reaffirmed the reason I adore my doctor. Actually, I have never even seen the doctor in the practice, I've only ever seen the PA (and, unfortunately, one time I saw the male physician partnered with the female doctor in the practice and I despise him) and she's wonderful. During the super uncomfortable portions of the exam, she talked to me about a host of different things like my work, my new house, and the Husband. She also raved about my massive weight loss and continually said how beautiful I look.

The best part came when she asked if I had an OB picked out. Honestly, I had someone in mind, but I didn't want to get a biased answer from her so I said, "No, I was actually going to ask you if there was a particular physician or group that you use or would recommend."

She helped me sit up, looked me in the eye and said, "If I were you, I would pick Dr. Smith or Jones. I'm saying this as a friend, not as your doctor." Then she smiled. "And I will deny saying it if you repeat this!"

You can not find that honesty with most physicians, they are too interested in playing the political game than what's in their patient's best interest.

She mentioned that my cervix is slightly friable, but since my LMP began a mere eight days ago, it was easily explained away. Other than that, everything on the surface looked good, I got orders for some blood work and will be called with the results of that and my pap smear some time next week.

One hurdle down.

Breathe deeply, if the spinning continues, put your head between your knees

Holy cow, I am twelve hours away from actually speaking with a medical professional about trying to have a baby. It doesn't seem like a big deal to most people, I am sure, but for me it's confirmation that this really will happen. It's for real this time.

We've set tentative dates before, but this is the first time we're actively persuing a family.

It doesn't make sense for me to be this happy, but I am.

Wish me luck!

Monday, May 7, 2007

Sharing, realizations and more!

I work in a very small office. I've never been super tight with any of the girls I work with, but of them, one I simply can't stand, another is mildly to moderately annoying, one I respect but have never "connected" with, and, finally, the last one is funny, smart and genial. I get along with all of them, especially well with the last two.

I've stayed silent about my desires to have a baby. It's difficult to explain to people who don't work in my office, but it's better this way. Today, however, Girl #4 confided in me that she is actively seeking another position due to the "political" climate in our office currently. It's not even worth delving into the details of all that's going on, but suffice it to say, I loved my job for a long time, lately, not so much.

After she told me about this, I gave her an equally huge confession. The real reason I simply don't care about the recent office issues is that Husband and I are TTC and I plan on not returning to work once I give birth. She was thrilled for me and it felt so good to talk about it.

In other news, I post on a message board where I have a super cool siggy, complete with a ticker, blinkies and blog linkage. I posted a few quick replies today and, when I did, checked out my ticker.

Twenty-five days until D-Day.

Oh. My. Word.

Two days until the doctor's appointment in which I get the medical go ahead to TTC.

Good grief, this is really going to happen!

Saturday, May 5, 2007

He may actually be ready

In many ways, Husband has been ready for a baby for a while now. He loves children and interacts with them well. Mostly because his maturity is right on their level ;-)

But when it comes to practical child care, more specifically baby care, he has been pretty uninterested. Anytime a baby cries or needs to be changed, he is more than happy to hand him or her off. Kind of typical for a guy, but not something that a woman who wants to have a baby with her partner wants to see.

I had a serious talk with Husband about this a while ago. I basically said that we are finally in a position financially, medically and relationship-wise to have a baby. This is something we both want and we both need to take it seriously. Part of that seriousness is that he needs to be committed to being a true partner with me in this. That means being willing to handle a crying baby and do all the ridiculous things people do to attempt to calm said baby. That also means changing diapers. With all substances enclosed. He's been unwilling to do this.

He called me tonight, very proud of himself.

He changed the nephew's diaper. A very, very messy diaper. And changed his outfit. All by himself.

I'm impressed.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

The obsession, it continues

I must say I love multi-purpose items. Beds with storage, those awesome bunk beds that have a dresser and desk attached, those kind of things make me smile.

As such, I was tickled to see this:
Vienna Combo Crib and Changer

I'm not a huge fan of changing tables as a whole. I've been a nanny and have baby-sat more times than I can count, after all of that, I am well-versed at changing diapers on the couch, bed, floor, table... where ever. I love the idea of making changing tables out of dressers or desks because it is so much more practical and makes sense when thinking long-term. But having it built onto the crib, great idea.

Bringing me directly to this:
Natural All-In-One

Not only does it have an attached changing table/dresser, but also has under crib storage. Moreover, it can later be turned into a headboard & footboard with a separate dresser. Excuse me while I drool.

Ack, this is such a sickness.

Did people actually procreate prior to the internet??

My dear Jo kept stressing the importance of a birth plan to me. When I say she stressed it, I mean that at multiple times in the same conversation she would say, "Make a birth plan... NOW." And this didn't occur during the course of a single conversation, no, she mentioned it during every one.

I completely understand why, though. Sheesh, there are about a million things listed in birth plans that I never even considered stating to the attending midwife, doctor or whoever is delivering my kid. The obvious things, like pains meds, epidurals, circumcision, all occured to me, but then I realized, at the particular time you are being asked certain questions by the medical staff, you're not in your proper state of mind. Having this set up ahead of time makes so much sense.

I found a few sites online that had everything spelled out in painstaking detail. It will be great to hand the birth plan over to whoever is in charge of delivering this hypothetical child.

In other news, one week until my doctor's appointment. Good grief, I can't believe I am actually excited to see my doctor for a physical and have various pieces of equipment shoved places nothing metal should go...