Monday, December 31, 2007

In the next 366 days I plan to...

Have a baby (like that one wasn't obvious)

Continue my education in two areas

Go in to business with a friend of mine

Get a bigger house (via an addition on to our current home, not planning on moving)

Rediscover me. I've been lost somewhere along the way

Strengthen my faith. Losing Lucas hurt my faith, big time.

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Nothing to do with babies, nothing to do with Husband, nothing to do with me

But I just read this and loved it and had to share it somewhere:

a certain sadness

touches me

in thoughts too deep to share

not that you never loved me

but that I cease to care

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Silence is not always golden

My life, it has been a little insane lately.

I love the holiday season, but it makes for a crazy time.

The benefit is I was able to keep my mind off of my cycle, I have been able to keep from spending every single day crying over Lucas (I have found that my down time, my quiet time is when I miss him most) and it's been rewarding:

1. My first cycle after my miscarriage I ovulated, before I even had my first AF after my miscarriage. I had read conflicting reports as to whether I would or not.

2. I ovulated on schedule. Again, I had read conflicting reports on this, some stating I may ovulate as many as two weeks later than normal.

3. I had a GREAT ovulation. I think it is due to the new supplements I was taking this cycle, but regardless, I was thrilled about that.

4. My luteal phase was better than ever. They had previously met the bare minimum to be acceptable, but this time around it was a very resepctable 13 day LP.

So now I am finishing up my first post - miscarriage AF. I am officially clear to start TTC again (shhh don't tell anyone, but I never really stopped). I hope and pray that encouraging words I've heard from women who have been through this loss before are true. I hope my body is at it's best now that it's been pregnant once and it will "remember" what it is supposed to do.

I don't mean this to say I am just moving past Lucas. His loss is still so real to me. Seeing pregnant women still rips my heart out because I can't help but think that it should be me. But doing this, actively trying again, is something I need to do. I love him with all my heart, but in order to keep from becoming a useless ball of mush.