31 weeks, 3 days

A week of confessions:

• I ate tuna fish. I have strictly avoided tuna fish since my pregnancy began and only had been eating it VERY sparingly while we were TTC. I know logically that you're allowed a certain amount of tuna fish, but I prefer to err on the side of caution and just avoid it all. However temptation overtook me this week and I had a 6 inch tuna sub on toasted wheat bread with lettuce, tomatoes, red onions and ground black pepper. It was the best sandwich I've had in a long, long time. Oh, and based on the level of activity after I ate said sandwich, Baby A loves tuna too.
  
• I ate soft cheese. Again, I've avoided it completely (even forsaking my beloved Fuji Apple Chicken Salad at Panera's) during my pregnancy. I've done absolutely everything I could to ensure I have a healthy pregnancy and have shunned all those "naughty" foods. But this week was a bad week and I couldn't resist the sound of the Third Street Salad when we ate at Max & Erma's Friday night. And let me tell you, it tastes even better than it sounds.
  
• My nursery is still undone. Well, we have cleaned it out, we have purchased the paint, the crib, the mattress, the dresser, the bookcase, the gossamer and the chair rail, but it is still unassembled. I keep getting antsy about it and have to calm myself and remember that while eight weeks seems like such a short time, Husband and BIL can get the painting, chair rail and crib assembly done in a day. Probably also hanging the gossamer, cutting and hanging the wood valances in another day. And it will take me all of five minutes to put his bedding on and hang the curtains. So in one weekend we could probably have the nursery done. I just really wish this weekend had been the weekend.

15 weeks 2 days

So now I am not "just" in my second trimester, but I am IN my second trimester. Not just barely with my toe over the line, I am standing with both feet firmly planted over that invisble fence of trimester marking.

Only 2 1/2 more weeks until our next appointment where our "big" ultrasound will be scheduled. I am thrilled to be able to find out what the gender of my little one is and really be able to bond better with him or her. I know it sounds silly in some ways but I feel kind of disconnected not being able to speak to the baby with some sort of identity.

I feel occasional flutters. Not much and only when I am completely still and not distracted, but it's nice to feel a reassuring flutter every now and then.

I am so excited to be here and so excited to know my little bean is growing stronger and healthier every day :-)

14 weeks 3 days

This week brought something truly exciting that is worthy of an update (because before this, to be honest, the only things I could think to say revolved around my never ending awe that I am still pregnant).

We had another OB appointment. This time I was able to meet the other doctor in the practice, an experience I didn't particularly want, but knew was inevitable. Fortunately for me, I have discovered that not just my beloved McDreamy is an awesome doc, but his partner as well. He was very kind, compassionate and understanding of my decision to not have a particular test run on me (even if the assistant was not quite as kind). Although my desire is to have dear ole McDreamy deliver me, I'd be comfortable to have his partner on call when I deliver. And I am even more thankful that I am delivering at a practice with only two doctors and not the five doc conglomerate that most people choose.

Pumpkin is still doing awesome! The doctor was able to find the heartbeat immediately and it was a strong 156. Pumpkin was still being it's usual uncooperative self (clearly Husband's child) and kept flipping all over the place when the doctor was trying to get the heartbeat, but I am completely okay with that. All that moving signals a strong, healthy baby which is all I can ask for.

I've lost eight pounds since my last appointment. The doctor looked at me kind of funny and asked if I've had a lot of morning sickness. He was shocked that I've lost that much in 4 weeks without morning sickness, but since the baby is still active and has a strong heartbeat, he isn't too concerned yet.

I'm officially in my second trimester. Unless something dramatic happens, my next appointment is in 3 1/2 weeks and we will schedule my "big" ultrasound then to find out what exactly my little Pumpkin is. The place they typically use (not the hospital where I've gone for my emergency ultrasounds) offers 3d and 4d ultrasounds, will allow anyone in that you want and send you home with lots of stills and a DVD. I'm excited to go to this place, even though it's farther away, simply for all the amenities it offers.

All I have to say is, "YAY!!!"

11 weeks 2 days

Yeah, I completely neglected updating on the day of my graduation and then again the day after. My life's been insane, please forgive.

Besides the joy of being so much closer to the end of my first trimester and the next doctor's appointment where we will definitely hear that wonderful heartbeat on the doppler, this week has been momentous for other reasons. I've decreased my progesterone. Now we're down to once a day. In just five short days, it will again go down to every other day.

I feel like I am coming to the other side. I'm coming to peace with my body, even slightly. After losing Lucas, I distrusted and disliked my body. I not only mourned for the child that I lost, but for the fact my body was not competent enough to provide safety and support to my child. I faced the reality that I let my own child down by not providing it with the hormone balance it needed to survive.

But this time, with some medical help, I've done better. I've kept this child safe and protected thus far. And I am planning the entrace to the world this child deserves.

We're getting closer, folks. One and a half weeks to go until we reach the second trimester officially. And hopefully some movement.

Six Weeks

No picture this time, nothing's really changed.

I am getting concerned that I have zero morning sickness. I was a little nauseated when I was at the grocery store shopping today, but as soon as I ate something, it went away.

Still have tender boobs, a hard belly and I'm completely exhausted so I'm assuming that's all still good. The best part is: NO SPOTTING! Yes, that does deserve all caps because it is soooo stinking exciting.

If I never get morning sickness then I am just going to assume that I am incredibly blessed with a pleasant pregnancy and be thankful for it.

Right now, I'm just happy to be six weeks. I'm happy I've beaten my previous pregnancy milestone. I am happy to have another chance to be a mom.

Now please excuse me while I do my nightly embryo bedtime story. Yes, I am that weird.

FTR: A gender poll will be finding it's way into creation in about a month. If you want to participate, email me your info and you'll be on my poll mailing list.

Proclamation

I finally feel comfortable talking about this: I sought medical intervention.

Let me say, if I had my choice, I would have a midwife to care for me in the preconception, pregnancy and delivery of my child, but that isn't a feasible option for me. I'd love to give birth in one of the comforting rooms of the local birthing center, but since local to me is an hour an a half away... it isn't a good option for me.

So, heeding the advice of my doula, I went to the most AP/natural birthing friendly doctor in this area. I know, I know, seeing the words natural birth and doctor are usually polar opposites, but I have to sing the praises of this particular doctor. I have heard horror stories of OB/GYNs staring at women as though they are from another planet when they begin discussing charts, luteal phases, cervical mucus and basal body temperatures so I was very wary walking in there. In fact, as I opened the door to his office, I was shaking because I was so nervous.

For the sake of anonymity, I shall refer to him as Dr. D because my creativity has run dry at this particular point.

When he walked in (and he knocked first!), he shook my hand, introduced himself and said, "Usually the schedule gives me some clue as to why my patients are here, but they didn't give me too much insight for you, so I'll let you tell me what's going on." Very cool, very laid back. I take note of certain things where physicians are concerned and these are the things that stood out to me:

1. He never, ever interrupted me. Not once.
2. He made sure things were on my level. Now, I am a tech so he could speak to me medically and I would be cool with that, but he made sure to not speak too "doctorly" in an attempt to make the patient feel stupid as so many docs do.
3. He looked me in the eye. The. Entire. Time.
4. He wrote down everything I was saying.
5. He was familiar with NFP, charting and even was familiar with Fertility Friend.
6. He asked to see my charts, he was VERY interested in them and knowledgable about them.
7. When the subject of nursing came up, he said, "It sounds like you plan to be a breastfeeding mama. That is great!"
8. He spent an uninterrupted 30minutes (at least, 30, maybe more) talking to me, getting to know me.
9. He warmed the speculum!!!

At this point, it appears there are two possibilities: A) Husband has a low sperm count, or B) I have insufficient ovulations (I ovulate, but do not produce quality eggs). Also, because of my short LPs (what he is basing the possible insufficient ovulations on), I am at a higher risk of miscarriage, so he wants me to begin baby aspirin as soon I conceive and to be monitored closely through the first trimester.

Disclaimer: I am not Lil Miss Super Duper OB Fan, I do not think all doctors are gods, but I do think I found the exception to the rule. And I am thrilled right now.

Oh my word!

By all appearances, I've ovulated already!

I can't be entirely certain as I haven't had my third consecutive high temp, but by the looks of my chart, it seems entirely possible. I'm also avoiding the OPKs this cycle. They stressed me out far more than my temps alone did, so I am taking a break from them.

Thank goodness I went with gut feeling rather than my BD plan in regards to DTD. I had no intentions of DTD on Sunday because I usually O on CD14 and wanted to wait until CD12 to DTD, giving the sperm plenty of time to build back up. But, after six years of marriage, dh knows the right buttons to push and well... my good intentions went right out the window!!

So far, this is the most relaxed cycle I've had. Perhaps I'm too busy in every other area of my life to properly obsess, but, at least for now, I am being much better about staying laid back and stress-free.

Sticking things in certain areas gets me excited.

Basically because I am weird.

This cycle I've decided to begin temping vaginally. After receiving some great advice from one board I frequent, and being advised to wait until after AF to begin temping vaginally (good thing too because the thought of temping vaginally while on AF skeeved me out), I'll start tomorrow.

Proactively doing something different - doing something better if you will - has given me a glimpse of hope. I just pray it carries me through this cycle.

A reason for defeat

Okay, so I'm a great one for rationalizing things. Rationalizing anything, really (which gives me a great excuse for POAS at a mere 9dpo).

The more I've been contemplating this last cycle, the more I've found a reason to be thankful it failed. As I've mentioned before, this is my fifth cycle, so that means I've had four previous, unsuccessful cycles. With that bit of information in mind, peruse the following quote from a website:

Another word for folic acid is folate. It's a vitamin in the B-class. It's suggested to take 400-800 mcg of folic acid starting three to four months before conception to decrease the risk of fetal malformations. There is a more than 50% reduction of many fetal malformations if the mother takes folic acid during the first two to three months. Taking folic acid has no effect on your fertility.

So there is a great reason to have not gotten a BFP until now. I've actually taken folic acid for the past four years, but I've taken it on a consistant basis for only the past four months. Yay for me.

Can it really be that long already?

Today while I was picking up my new glasses, I stopped at Vitamin World and picked up some Vitex. I'm excited to start it and it's really made me more optimistic about this cycle. I don't know why something so simple has me so happy, but whatever keeps me out of the pit that I easily fall in to following a failed cycle is a good thing.

After I came home with my newly acquired Vitex, I decided to chronicle what supplements I've used on my TTC journey, cycle by cycle, on my FF chart homepage. It was then that I realized just how long we've been TTC

Cycle #1 (5/2/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex
Cycle #2 (5/29/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex
Cycle #3 (6/23/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex, OPKs
Cycle #4 (7/19/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex, Royal Jelly, OPKs
Cycle #5 (8/15/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex, Royal Jelly, Vitex, OPKs

Yep, this is my fifth cycle. Color me shocked.

I've officially decided I've been TTC for long enough, I'd like my BFP now, please.

Optimism –noun 1. a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.

I have hope.

I wasn't a complete mess after the last cycle, I know it may have come across as such, but I truly wasn't. Even before entering my first cycle, I told myself the chances of conception occurring on the first try were slim to none. While I stayed realistic, some disappointment hit me along with the hormones of AF making me downright pissy.

This month was going along quite swimmingly with my new thermometer and all, until Sunday night's fireworks display. It's been insanely cold here at night and was rather cool all day Sunday, the one day we had planned to be out in the weather. So, yeah, I'm sick. Which means my temps are all screwed up which means my chart is all screwed up.

Thank God for the power of OPKs. Yesterday's OPK was just a very faint second line that would have taken my doctor's 90D lens to view. This morning's test line was definitely there, but lighter than the control line.

However, this evening's test was the same as the control line. I plan to retest once more tonight before Husband gets home, hoping it will be positive. Thankfully, in spite of the sickness I'll be able to tell my approximate O date.

I feel, for some reason, very positive, very optimistic about this cycle.

Here goes nothing!

Why must I torture myself by reading?

So after purchasing* some OPKs (ovulation predictor kits) I began to wonder, as my overactive mind tends to do, when the best time would be to take said OPK. Now, I had just assumed that it would be first thing in the AM as you do with HPTs.

Au contraire.

Google, she is a helpful thing. And she provided me with this site, which gave me this info:

Q: What time of day should I test?
A: The best time to test is 2 p.m., or as close as possible. Anytime between noon and 8 p.m. is fine, first morning urine is not recommended. The reason for this is that most women experience a surge in the morning, but it can take 4 hours for it to show up in your urine.
Make sure to test at about the same time every day.

And further perusal of said site led to reading this:

Q: I used an OPK, my timing was perfect, why didn't I get pregnant?
A: It often takes a number of perfectly timed cycles before pregnancy is achieved. The chances of getting pregnant each cycle varies a bit with age. If you are 20-25, your chance per cycle are about 25%. From there they begin to fall off. At 25-30 your chances are about 20%. At 30-35 they are about 15%. After 35 they may be about 10% per ovulatory cycle, and the chances continue the downward trend.
This means that the average woman under 30 will get pregnant within 6 cycles. If you don't succeed after a year, it is a good idea to consult a fertility specialist. Women in their early 30s get pregnant on average by the end of 9 cycles. Mid-30s would be a year. If you are over 35, you should consult a fertility specialist if you have not achieved pregnancy within 6 months. Why 6 months when it can take a year? Because your chances of conception are lower and miscarriage rates are higher -- it is better not to waste time.

Okay, bad, bad idea for me to read that. Only a 25% chance of getting pg each cycle? I knew it wasn't a supremely high chance, but twenty-five???

Yeah, my over active anxiety levels just can't handle that kind of information.

Updates du jour

Yet another example of how fantastic my PCP is: Had my appointment with her on Thursday, got orders for bloodwork. Had said blood drawn on Saturday morning, by Monday even she had called me with the results. Love that kind of turn around time.

The results were, by the way, normal.

Had a very, very interesting discussion with some friends of mine last night. I mentioned to one of them the names of OBs my doctor had recommended. Interestingly enough, the two docs are in the same practice as the doctor I had thought of (who was recently named one of the top 150 doctors of various specialties in the Pittsburgh area). So when I brought up these names to my friends, two of them raved about the doctor I had originally wanted to see. It feels great to get confirmation that she's a good doctor and someone I could work with.

Sixteen days to go.

This is my last cycle before we start TTC.

Wow.

Medical stuff du jour

Today reaffirmed the reason I adore my doctor. Actually, I have never even seen the doctor in the practice, I've only ever seen the PA (and, unfortunately, one time I saw the male physician partnered with the female doctor in the practice and I despise him) and she's wonderful. During the super uncomfortable portions of the exam, she talked to me about a host of different things like my work, my new house, and the Husband. She also raved about my massive weight loss and continually said how beautiful I look.

The best part came when she asked if I had an OB picked out. Honestly, I had someone in mind, but I didn't want to get a biased answer from her so I said, "No, I was actually going to ask you if there was a particular physician or group that you use or would recommend."

She helped me sit up, looked me in the eye and said, "If I were you, I would pick Dr. Smith or Jones. I'm saying this as a friend, not as your doctor." Then she smiled. "And I will deny saying it if you repeat this!"

You can not find that honesty with most physicians, they are too interested in playing the political game than what's in their patient's best interest.

She mentioned that my cervix is slightly friable, but since my LMP began a mere eight days ago, it was easily explained away. Other than that, everything on the surface looked good, I got orders for some blood work and will be called with the results of that and my pap smear some time next week.

One hurdle down.

Did people actually procreate prior to the internet??

My dear Jo kept stressing the importance of a birth plan to me. When I say she stressed it, I mean that at multiple times in the same conversation she would say, "Make a birth plan... NOW." And this didn't occur during the course of a single conversation, no, she mentioned it during every one.

I completely understand why, though. Sheesh, there are about a million things listed in birth plans that I never even considered stating to the attending midwife, doctor or whoever is delivering my kid. The obvious things, like pains meds, epidurals, circumcision, all occured to me, but then I realized, at the particular time you are being asked certain questions by the medical staff, you're not in your proper state of mind. Having this set up ahead of time makes so much sense.

I found a few sites online that had everything spelled out in painstaking detail. It will be great to hand the birth plan over to whoever is in charge of delivering this hypothetical child.

In other news, one week until my doctor's appointment. Good grief, I can't believe I am actually excited to see my doctor for a physical and have various pieces of equipment shoved places nothing metal should go...

Such a big and small thing all at once

As irony would have it, I detest going to the doctor. I say ironic because I am a medical technician for a private physician. Yeah, I am a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma (kudos to anyone to can accurately attribute that quote).

The last time I saw a doctor was a little over two years ago after I was in a head on collision and felt I needed a follow-up. Don't get me started on the grumbling that occured after that ignorant doctor's examination of me.

But I am embarking on this TTC journey, so common sense dictates I get a complete physical, address the two aspects of my current health status that are questionable and get that most beloved of exams, the pap smear. As Husband's company recently changed insurance, I had to wait for the new cards to arrive.

I got the card on Thursday morning.

I had set the appointment by Thursday afternoon.

It's May 10th.

One step closer...