Since it's drawing closer everyday, and since I truly feel comfortable in my pregnancy now, I've been thinking about my birth. A lot.
No, I can't have the exact birth I want because (due to the wonderful laws in my state and the complete medicalization of this area) of things that are beyond my control, but I can take the situation I am in and make the best of it. I dealt with the disappointment of this already and I've accepted it, as much as one can, and I am moving forward.
As I've mentioned before, I have a doula. And, yes, I truly believe she will be the difference between a birth I regret and a birth I can learn to love. She has been so supportive and comforting. She has told me pointedly, "I will do everything in my power to make this birth a positive experience for you." Since she is a friend of mine first and foremost, she has the ability to be blunt with me. There is no need to sugar coat anything. If someone would try to talk me in to a procedure I am not comfortable with, she'd be completely honest with me, remind me of what I want, and tell me to keep my eye on the prize.
Recently, I've been doing a lot of reading. There are some wonderful books which have empowered me. Two I want to highlight are: The Complete Book of Christian Parenting & Child Care by none other than the wonderful Dr. William Sears and his wife Martha, and The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger. Both books have urged me to believe in myself and believe in my body.
Since I lost my baby, well, to be honest, even before that when my body was failing to conceive a child on it's own, I've been angry with my body. It failed me, it failed my first child. I took vitamins, minerals, supplements. I exercised, ate well, lost weight. I did everything by the book and my body couldn't perform the way it should have.
But reading these books, reading the wise words of the authors, I have come to a deeper peace with my body. I realized that right now, it is doing exactly what it should be. It is nourishing my son, it's preparing to feed him once he is here, it is keeping him safe for a few more weeks until he is ready to enter the world.
And, finally, I believe that my body can perform the way it should during labor. I even have confidence in my body that just as it has housed my son for the past 7 months, it will continue to care for him by bringing him into the world in a safe, gentle way.
Best of all, I now have no fear. :-)