Saturday, March 1, 2008

en·joy –verb (used with object) 1. to experience with joy; take pleasure in:

I am trying so hard to enjoy this pregnancy. I want to keep every moment in my memory bank to treasure. I just want to sit back and relax and bask in the glow of early pregnancy. The glow you are in before the morning sickness hits you like a ton of bricks and before you weigh 10,000 pounds.

But I can't. I have faced the pain of miscarriage and, while I feel like I've dealt well with it emotionally, part of me can not be that happy, carefree pregnant woman.

I already deeply love this child. I have already bonded with it, but I feel like I am holding a part of myself back because I am so scared of losing my baby again.

I'm already a week farther than I was last time and I've had no spotting even though it is a possible side effect of doing the progesterone suppositories. My breath still catches every time I go to the bathroom, afraid of what the TP will reveal. But I am so happy to report it is always a nice stark white.

I know I won't spend my whole pregnancy this way, but I want to enjoy every moment, not just the end when I'm "safe". I don't know when it will get better, but I am believing I will be able to breathe soon.

2 comments:

Dinos said...

Attention!

Leslie said...

found your blog off the DIO boards.. loved reading it...Praying your pregnancy goes smoothly. Loved getting to peek at your journey.