Saturday, March 1, 2008

en·joy –verb (used with object) 1. to experience with joy; take pleasure in:

I am trying so hard to enjoy this pregnancy. I want to keep every moment in my memory bank to treasure. I just want to sit back and relax and bask in the glow of early pregnancy. The glow you are in before the morning sickness hits you like a ton of bricks and before you weigh 10,000 pounds.

But I can't. I have faced the pain of miscarriage and, while I feel like I've dealt well with it emotionally, part of me can not be that happy, carefree pregnant woman.

I already deeply love this child. I have already bonded with it, but I feel like I am holding a part of myself back because I am so scared of losing my baby again.

I'm already a week farther than I was last time and I've had no spotting even though it is a possible side effect of doing the progesterone suppositories. My breath still catches every time I go to the bathroom, afraid of what the TP will reveal. But I am so happy to report it is always a nice stark white.

I know I won't spend my whole pregnancy this way, but I want to enjoy every moment, not just the end when I'm "safe". I don't know when it will get better, but I am believing I will be able to breathe soon.


Anonymous said...


Leslie said...

found your blog off the DIO boards.. loved reading it...Praying your pregnancy goes smoothly. Loved getting to peek at your journey.