All Signs Point To No

Yesterday, my temp dropped.

Yesterday, I got a BFN.

Yesterday, I spotted a little after Husband and I DTD.

So why am I planning to test today? Why am I this glutton for punishment? I reason away the logical conclusion that I am not pregnant like this:

"My temp was back up a little today."

"The test was a +/- test, those are notoriously unreliable!"

"The spotting only occured after DTD and has gone away now. No sex for Husband!!"

I am normally such a common sense type gal, why can't I just see the big, glaring, green neon sign in front of me that says, "You are NOT pregnant"?

Yes, I suck

I know, I need to update this more, but my life is just plain crazy right now. If you know me well enough, you probably know about everything that is going on. If not, email me, I will gladly fill you in. :-)

Well, I finally did it. I told several people that I know well that Husband and I are trying to conceive.

I had intended to keep this to myself (and actually the pregnancy as well), but I can't. I can't because I need support. I need people that love me to be concerned for me. I need people to pray that I get pregnant. I need to be able to call someone crying because yet another cycle has failed. I need people who are there for me. Fortunately, the particular people I chose to tell have all taken an oath that whatever said at our group, stays within the group. Many secrets have been whispered within those four walls and each has been kept in the strictest of confidences.

I am blessed to know them and feel a little bit better knowing they are concerned for me and there for me. Because, let's face it, as much as Husband loves me, he does not understand why I am devastated at the end of each cycle. It is something I definitely need the support of women for.

Oh my word!

By all appearances, I've ovulated already!

I can't be entirely certain as I haven't had my third consecutive high temp, but by the looks of my chart, it seems entirely possible. I'm also avoiding the OPKs this cycle. They stressed me out far more than my temps alone did, so I am taking a break from them.

Thank goodness I went with gut feeling rather than my BD plan in regards to DTD. I had no intentions of DTD on Sunday because I usually O on CD14 and wanted to wait until CD12 to DTD, giving the sperm plenty of time to build back up. But, after six years of marriage, dh knows the right buttons to push and well... my good intentions went right out the window!!

So far, this is the most relaxed cycle I've had. Perhaps I'm too busy in every other area of my life to properly obsess, but, at least for now, I am being much better about staying laid back and stress-free.

Sticking things in certain areas gets me excited.

Basically because I am weird.

This cycle I've decided to begin temping vaginally. After receiving some great advice from one board I frequent, and being advised to wait until after AF to begin temping vaginally (good thing too because the thought of temping vaginally while on AF skeeved me out), I'll start tomorrow.

Proactively doing something different - doing something better if you will - has given me a glimpse of hope. I just pray it carries me through this cycle.

Been silent, been depressed

Gotta say, I've tried so hard to not get in to that angry/depressive mind set when yet another cycle ended in a BFN and the eventual emergence of AF, but it hasn't quite worked.

My heart is aching for a baby. I feel silly because it's like I am missing, almost grieving, for someone who doesn't exist.

Song lyrics make me burst in to tears at random. Movies and TV shows have me misty-eyed constantly. The few friends who know we are TTC and approach me asking how things are going are met with an overly emotional Krissy, something they have never seen before.

I try to keep my faith strong and continue to believe that God has a plan for me and would not have given me this deep love and desire for a child if he didn't have one planned for me, whether my biological child or adopted child. I am trying to stay upbeat, to remain positive, hopeful, all those flowery adjectives that are so easy to use in platitudes, but I must be honest and say my heart aches right now.

I so admire and respect the women who struggle for years with infertility. I have been going through months, more months than I told anyone about, of negative tests and heart wrenching AF arrivals and it's so emotionally draining. I can't imagine how difficult years of compounding frustration must be.

Hi, my name is Krissy and I'm a shopaholic

But I always get things super, super cheap, does that still make me bad?

What's prompting this post is that I am making my biggest baby-related purchase today. I know it is supposed to be "bad luck" to buy baby stuff before the baby is born and especially before you even have a positive HPT, but there were extenuating circumstances with this one.

Thursday I, for whatever reason, decided to stop at the consignment store near my house. When I walked in, I immediately went to a stroller/car seat travel system sitting out in the middle of the room. It is this type in a different pattern (but, thankfully, a very gender neutral pattern), it is brand new, still has the box with it, all tags still on it and it was originally purchased from Babies R Us (and yes, there is a quality difference in items purchased from cheaper stores).

On the BRU website, this particular item retails for $229. And I am paying? A whopping $40.

So really, for that price, I couldn't leave this great find there. Once we are blessed with a little one (please, God, let it be this cycle), we will have one major purchase already taken care of.

And yes, I have been buying baby clothes, but ONLY on super sale (i.e. gender neutral jeans for fifty cents). Oh and maybe some maternity items (for a dollar or two a piece).

Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm obsessed.

I love my doula

I've had a hard time dealing with the fact it's not entirely feasible for me to deliver under my ideal settings (a birthing center). And that's because I live in such a backwards area. The few AP people I have found around here agree that this area is extremely ignorant of the AP lifestyle. I actually was having a conversation with someone where I mentioned co-sleeping and actually had a mother of six look at me and say, "What's that?" Even those in LLL in this area are mainstream (especially by LLL standards).


Add that to the fact homebirths are illegal, midwives who will practice homebirths are few and far between (and all far from me), my choices are limited to getting a doctor locally who is as AP-friendly as possible or a midwife center that is 1hr 30min away. I am scared of having a hospital birth. It's not what I want. But the 1hr 30 min commute (and this is under the assumption there is no traffic whatsoever. In Pittsburgh. Bwahahaha) to the midwife center scares me as well.

My doula has been a great comfort with this. She's promised to be my advocate and support during labor (and enabling and encouraging Husband to stand up when he needs to) to give me the labor that is closest to my desired labor as is possible in a hospital setting. She's even willing to go to any prenatal visits if Husband can't attend due to work (which is very possible in the end when visits are weekly).

If I needed another reason to absolutely adore her, I found out this week she makes slings. As soon as I saw her with the one she was giving to a mother in our church, she said, "Don't worry, I'm already planning to make one for you."

I *heart* my doula