Again, recording for posterity (and so I can accurately remember how this all went during my next pregnancy). Feel free to disregard anything I'm saying here :-)
Tonight has brought about a lot of pressure, cramping and some of that same sharp pain. It's also included further loss of the mucus plug (no doubt this time) just a little over 4 days since my bloody show.
I've been spending lots of time draped on my birthing ball and squatting to make sure the baby gets in the right position. Tomorrow morning I have another chiropractor appointment (I had one last night and one on Friday... trying to encourage the little guy to move on out) so perhaps a little adjustment from him will be the button that needs pushed.
I don't feel a ton of strong contractions, nothing really momentous from that end, but I am seeing signs of progress, so that's enough for me right now. I'm just trying to relax and get into a place of calmness and peace to let my body do what it needs to do.
Hopefully, I'll be holding my little boy soon and can just avoid any hint of drama that may arise at Friday's appointment.
Showing posts with label medical. Show all posts
Showing posts with label medical. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
40 weeks 2 days
Still here. Slightly more happy.
Let me explain the "worst birth ever" comment because it sounds terrible rereading that. I have raved before about my fantastic OBs and I will continue to stand firm in my adoration of them... but I've found a dent in their shining armor. Apparently something happened unexpectedly and this weekend they are both going to be out of town. So another practice is covering for them. You can already see where this is going right?
The other practice contains 5 doctors. Out of the five, I've heard good things (although their reputation isn't as natural birth friendly as my current practice, they are better than most). One of them I've heard horrible things about. He and my doula specifically had an issue (the issue being he threw her certification paperwork back in her face). And out of all five doctors guess which one is on call this weekend? Yep, you got it. The doula-hating, cesarean promoting, anti-natural birth doctor. This guy really is the epitome of all things wrong with obstetrics.
So I had a melt-down. A melt-down I was proud to have controlled as well as I actually did, but still a melt-down that ended in a frantic call to my doula explaining the situation.
Which brings me to the section of this post titled "Why Every Woman Needs A Doula". If my labor starts this weekend and I truly do not feel like I can call my OBs answering service, I will have a midwife as back-up to deliver my baby at home. This midwife began practicing after I was already under prenatal care with my OB and, due mostly to Husband's slight apprehension at homebirth, I decided to just stay with my practice. But with the current situation, after being informed of the particular doctor's personality, she agreed to be my back-up care. So the situation I thought could lead to the worst birth ever may actually give me the birth I've desired (although I am completely unprepared for!).
Oh and since I mentioned Husband's homebirth apprehension, I should add a tidbit about him. I've been gently informing him of the benefits of natural childbirth, homebirth, minimal medical intervention, non-circumcision, exclusive breastfeeding, etc for years now. I've converted him on many things, but homebirth concerned him and he still felt that a hospital and a doctor's care was the best place to be for birth. The other day he looks at me and says, "Our doctors aren't big on inducing, right?" After assuring him that one big reason I chose them is because they are NOT fans of induction, he said, "Oh good because inducing labor raises the chance of a c-section and the only reason doctors like to do c-sections are because they make a lot more money." Now, this is NOT new information to me, but it is new that Husband is listening to me and not being as blindingly trusting of medical staff.
After telling Husband about the possibility of a homebirth, he expressed some concerns, but I informed him that the doctor on call was exactly the kind of doctor who would induce and would wind up performing a c-section on me because he cares more about the bottom line financially and being in total control of a situation than he is about me or the baby. So he is now not opposed to a homebirth... if this weekend requires it.
And our second baby will be born at home. :-)
Let me explain the "worst birth ever" comment because it sounds terrible rereading that. I have raved before about my fantastic OBs and I will continue to stand firm in my adoration of them... but I've found a dent in their shining armor. Apparently something happened unexpectedly and this weekend they are both going to be out of town. So another practice is covering for them. You can already see where this is going right?
The other practice contains 5 doctors. Out of the five, I've heard good things (although their reputation isn't as natural birth friendly as my current practice, they are better than most). One of them I've heard horrible things about. He and my doula specifically had an issue (the issue being he threw her certification paperwork back in her face). And out of all five doctors guess which one is on call this weekend? Yep, you got it. The doula-hating, cesarean promoting, anti-natural birth doctor. This guy really is the epitome of all things wrong with obstetrics.
So I had a melt-down. A melt-down I was proud to have controlled as well as I actually did, but still a melt-down that ended in a frantic call to my doula explaining the situation.
Which brings me to the section of this post titled "Why Every Woman Needs A Doula". If my labor starts this weekend and I truly do not feel like I can call my OBs answering service, I will have a midwife as back-up to deliver my baby at home. This midwife began practicing after I was already under prenatal care with my OB and, due mostly to Husband's slight apprehension at homebirth, I decided to just stay with my practice. But with the current situation, after being informed of the particular doctor's personality, she agreed to be my back-up care. So the situation I thought could lead to the worst birth ever may actually give me the birth I've desired (although I am completely unprepared for!).
Oh and since I mentioned Husband's homebirth apprehension, I should add a tidbit about him. I've been gently informing him of the benefits of natural childbirth, homebirth, minimal medical intervention, non-circumcision, exclusive breastfeeding, etc for years now. I've converted him on many things, but homebirth concerned him and he still felt that a hospital and a doctor's care was the best place to be for birth. The other day he looks at me and says, "Our doctors aren't big on inducing, right?" After assuring him that one big reason I chose them is because they are NOT fans of induction, he said, "Oh good because inducing labor raises the chance of a c-section and the only reason doctors like to do c-sections are because they make a lot more money." Now, this is NOT new information to me, but it is new that Husband is listening to me and not being as blindingly trusting of medical staff.
After telling Husband about the possibility of a homebirth, he expressed some concerns, but I informed him that the doctor on call was exactly the kind of doctor who would induce and would wind up performing a c-section on me because he cares more about the bottom line financially and being in total control of a situation than he is about me or the baby. So he is now not opposed to a homebirth... if this weekend requires it.
And our second baby will be born at home. :-)
Friday, October 31, 2008
40 weeks 1 day
I am overdue. I am not happy.
I've been having these stupid meaningless contractions for a week now that aren't doing a whole lot other than getting my hopes up.
And I can't give birth this weekend (long story) so either I stay pregnant for another three days or I have the worst birth ever.
Please, God, let this baby come today!
I've been having these stupid meaningless contractions for a week now that aren't doing a whole lot other than getting my hopes up.
And I can't give birth this weekend (long story) so either I stay pregnant for another three days or I have the worst birth ever.
Please, God, let this baby come today!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
36 weeks, 6 days
Of note:
- I hate heartburn
- My child loves Brian Setzer Orchestra
- We got the blue Bumbo!!
- I am GBS negative
- I have eaten poorly this week
- I have to get weighed tomorrow
- I think I may have had a couple of contractions
That is all :-)
Sunday, October 5, 2008
36 weeks 3 days
Remember that 17 lbs above pre pregnancy weight thing? Umm, yeah, not so much. As of last visit I was 13 lbs above pre preg weight.
You must be saying, "But wait, in your last trimester, especially your last month, you are supposed to just gain." Ahh, but I am not your average bear! In one week I lost a pound and the following week I lost 3 more. Upshot of it all? Doctor doesn't care one bit. I'm very thankful I chose a small practice with laid back personnel. And since I feed them most times I come, they love me :-) I'm glad he doesn't care because I was a little concerned even though I'm a firm believer in not holding women to unrealistic guidelines.
I've loved being pregnant. I've loved every minute of it. But I am beginning to understand why women say they are ready. I feel ready for him to come. Not ready in the sense my house is ready. Not ready in the sense that his clothes are ready. Not ready in the sense that I feel like "mom", but ready in the sense that I am physically ready to not be pregnant. I'm ready to hold him, cuddle him, nurse him and love him.
This week has brought about some undesirable pregnancy side effects. I've had more swelling. Only in my feet and only yesterday after being on them all day walking around a festival. I've had heartburn. I've never had heartburn in my life so I actually had to ask someone what heartburn felt like to be sure it is what I was experiencing. This is the first time my doula has asked me how I am and I've replied in the negative.
Yes, I'm very ready.
You must be saying, "But wait, in your last trimester, especially your last month, you are supposed to just gain." Ahh, but I am not your average bear! In one week I lost a pound and the following week I lost 3 more. Upshot of it all? Doctor doesn't care one bit. I'm very thankful I chose a small practice with laid back personnel. And since I feed them most times I come, they love me :-) I'm glad he doesn't care because I was a little concerned even though I'm a firm believer in not holding women to unrealistic guidelines.
I've loved being pregnant. I've loved every minute of it. But I am beginning to understand why women say they are ready. I feel ready for him to come. Not ready in the sense my house is ready. Not ready in the sense that his clothes are ready. Not ready in the sense that I feel like "mom", but ready in the sense that I am physically ready to not be pregnant. I'm ready to hold him, cuddle him, nurse him and love him.
This week has brought about some undesirable pregnancy side effects. I've had more swelling. Only in my feet and only yesterday after being on them all day walking around a festival. I've had heartburn. I've never had heartburn in my life so I actually had to ask someone what heartburn felt like to be sure it is what I was experiencing. This is the first time my doula has asked me how I am and I've replied in the negative.
Yes, I'm very ready.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
35 weeks 2 days
I should title this one "oh my word, my baby is coming."
I have one month left. One. A singular month until my son is in my arms. Okay, so the technical month time line is still 2 days away, but you get the jist... it's close!
In medical news: At our appointment I got a major commendation from the NP. She said my weight is fantastic (17 lbs above pre preg weight), B/P perfect (100/60) and I look great. She also said she expects me to leave the hospital weighing less than before I got pregnant based on where I am now. I was told Baby A is head down and is dropping. We are now down to weekly OB visits! Yikes!
We spent the day spending a bunch of our gift cards at Babies R' Us. Much to my chagrin, the two main things we wanted were on backorder. We got a rain check for one and the other *should* be in in about two weeks. Ya know, right before my kid is due. I know I don't need it immediately after he's born, but still, I am a "be prepared" kind of chick.
Today I rearranged the bedroom and set up his cradle, put the sheet on and the spiffy blankey made by his Grammy (my mom) so he has at least one place to sleep and it's right next to his Momma. And I was able to arrange it so that our first baby (ya know, the furry one on four legs) won't have to give up the window she so loves to stare out.
I also packed my bag and a bag for dh and I plan to keep both of those in my vehicle as well. The only thing I want to get is some snacks for dh. I don't mind him having snacks there (I know some women do mind) and I would rather pack stuff for him than have him leave to track down food in the cafeteria when I really need him.
Tomorrow the plan is to clean out my vehicle and get the car seat all hooked up. Because, you know, he is coming. In a month.
Dude, I'm gonna be a mom!
I have one month left. One. A singular month until my son is in my arms. Okay, so the technical month time line is still 2 days away, but you get the jist... it's close!
In medical news: At our appointment I got a major commendation from the NP. She said my weight is fantastic (17 lbs above pre preg weight), B/P perfect (100/60) and I look great. She also said she expects me to leave the hospital weighing less than before I got pregnant based on where I am now. I was told Baby A is head down and is dropping. We are now down to weekly OB visits! Yikes!
We spent the day spending a bunch of our gift cards at Babies R' Us. Much to my chagrin, the two main things we wanted were on backorder. We got a rain check for one and the other *should* be in in about two weeks. Ya know, right before my kid is due. I know I don't need it immediately after he's born, but still, I am a "be prepared" kind of chick.
Today I rearranged the bedroom and set up his cradle, put the sheet on and the spiffy blankey made by his Grammy (my mom) so he has at least one place to sleep and it's right next to his Momma. And I was able to arrange it so that our first baby (ya know, the furry one on four legs) won't have to give up the window she so loves to stare out.
I also packed my bag and a bag for dh and I plan to keep both of those in my vehicle as well. The only thing I want to get is some snacks for dh. I don't mind him having snacks there (I know some women do mind) and I would rather pack stuff for him than have him leave to track down food in the cafeteria when I really need him.
Tomorrow the plan is to clean out my vehicle and get the car seat all hooked up. Because, you know, he is coming. In a month.
Dude, I'm gonna be a mom!
Friday, August 22, 2008
30 weeks 1 day
Since it's drawing closer everyday, and since I truly feel comfortable in my pregnancy now, I've been thinking about my birth. A lot.
No, I can't have the exact birth I want because (due to the wonderful laws in my state and the complete medicalization of this area) of things that are beyond my control, but I can take the situation I am in and make the best of it. I dealt with the disappointment of this already and I've accepted it, as much as one can, and I am moving forward.
As I've mentioned before, I have a doula. And, yes, I truly believe she will be the difference between a birth I regret and a birth I can learn to love. She has been so supportive and comforting. She has told me pointedly, "I will do everything in my power to make this birth a positive experience for you." Since she is a friend of mine first and foremost, she has the ability to be blunt with me. There is no need to sugar coat anything. If someone would try to talk me in to a procedure I am not comfortable with, she'd be completely honest with me, remind me of what I want, and tell me to keep my eye on the prize.
Recently, I've been doing a lot of reading. There are some wonderful books which have empowered me. Two I want to highlight are: The Complete Book of Christian Parenting & Child Care by none other than the wonderful Dr. William Sears and his wife Martha, and The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger. Both books have urged me to believe in myself and believe in my body.
Since I lost my baby, well, to be honest, even before that when my body was failing to conceive a child on it's own, I've been angry with my body. It failed me, it failed my first child. I took vitamins, minerals, supplements. I exercised, ate well, lost weight. I did everything by the book and my body couldn't perform the way it should have.
But reading these books, reading the wise words of the authors, I have come to a deeper peace with my body. I realized that right now, it is doing exactly what it should be. It is nourishing my son, it's preparing to feed him once he is here, it is keeping him safe for a few more weeks until he is ready to enter the world.
And, finally, I believe that my body can perform the way it should during labor. I even have confidence in my body that just as it has housed my son for the past 7 months, it will continue to care for him by bringing him into the world in a safe, gentle way.
Best of all, I now have no fear. :-)
No, I can't have the exact birth I want because (due to the wonderful laws in my state and the complete medicalization of this area) of things that are beyond my control, but I can take the situation I am in and make the best of it. I dealt with the disappointment of this already and I've accepted it, as much as one can, and I am moving forward.
As I've mentioned before, I have a doula. And, yes, I truly believe she will be the difference between a birth I regret and a birth I can learn to love. She has been so supportive and comforting. She has told me pointedly, "I will do everything in my power to make this birth a positive experience for you." Since she is a friend of mine first and foremost, she has the ability to be blunt with me. There is no need to sugar coat anything. If someone would try to talk me in to a procedure I am not comfortable with, she'd be completely honest with me, remind me of what I want, and tell me to keep my eye on the prize.
Recently, I've been doing a lot of reading. There are some wonderful books which have empowered me. Two I want to highlight are: The Complete Book of Christian Parenting & Child Care by none other than the wonderful Dr. William Sears and his wife Martha, and The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger. Both books have urged me to believe in myself and believe in my body.
Since I lost my baby, well, to be honest, even before that when my body was failing to conceive a child on it's own, I've been angry with my body. It failed me, it failed my first child. I took vitamins, minerals, supplements. I exercised, ate well, lost weight. I did everything by the book and my body couldn't perform the way it should have.
But reading these books, reading the wise words of the authors, I have come to a deeper peace with my body. I realized that right now, it is doing exactly what it should be. It is nourishing my son, it's preparing to feed him once he is here, it is keeping him safe for a few more weeks until he is ready to enter the world.
And, finally, I believe that my body can perform the way it should during labor. I even have confidence in my body that just as it has housed my son for the past 7 months, it will continue to care for him by bringing him into the world in a safe, gentle way.
Best of all, I now have no fear. :-)
Thursday, August 14, 2008
29 weeks
Today was my lovely gestational diabetes check. I was so nervous that my blood pressure was actually up. Not insanely high, but about ten points higher than normal. Enough to get a triple check of my blood pressure.
The glucola wasn't as bad as I had been expecting. Yeah, it was sickeningly sweet, but it was still tolerable for the small amount I had to drink.
As far as my boy, he is wonderful! All measurements are dead on, my weight is perfect, his heart rate is good and he is super active.
Today I also picked up all the paperwork to fill out for his future pediatrician. After talking to a mom who shares my parenting beliefs/style and getting the recommendation for this one particular doctor, I think I am comfortable with using him. Incidentally, he used to attend our church and is the PCP for several friends of mine. He isn't technically a pediatrician, but a family doctor and is very supportive of the way I want to raise my baby.
In two more weeks I am seeing the doctor and giving him the birth plan. Now, just to get it finalized...
The glucola wasn't as bad as I had been expecting. Yeah, it was sickeningly sweet, but it was still tolerable for the small amount I had to drink.
As far as my boy, he is wonderful! All measurements are dead on, my weight is perfect, his heart rate is good and he is super active.
Today I also picked up all the paperwork to fill out for his future pediatrician. After talking to a mom who shares my parenting beliefs/style and getting the recommendation for this one particular doctor, I think I am comfortable with using him. Incidentally, he used to attend our church and is the PCP for several friends of mine. He isn't technically a pediatrician, but a family doctor and is very supportive of the way I want to raise my baby.
In two more weeks I am seeing the doctor and giving him the birth plan. Now, just to get it finalized...
Saturday, June 21, 2008
21 weeks, 2 days
So we had our big ultrasound today. Our little one cooperated and gave us the perfect shot to find out their gender.
First though, the baby is measuring slightly ahead of schedule (about a week for the head, two weeks for arms and legs). The heart is perfect. The baby has all ten fingers and ten toes. The baby already is a thumbsucker (and oh my word do I adore that picture). And everyone has decided that the baby looks like daddy.
Here are the pics!
Here we are stretching:
This is a great profile shot:
And here is the gender shot!
Yep, it's a boy!!! Now the naming disagreement begins ;-)
Thursday, May 29, 2008
18 weeks
Let me just say, there are no doubts what I am feeling now. This little one is MOVING! Oh my word, this is one active little baby. However, just like it is it's father's child because of the movement, it is also it's father's child because it likes it's sleep! I've noticed the baby seems most active in the evening, then winds down around 10 or 11 pm when I'm heading to bed. Thank you for being considerate and not kicking momma in the middle of the night, little one.
Had my third prenatal visit today and we were scheduled for our BIG ultrasound. Yes, that is all in caps because I can not wait to find out what this little wiggleworm is! And Husband and I will need all the time we can get to discuss a boy's name if it is a little boy. Trust me, it's needed.
So the BIG ultrasound is June 21. Unfortunately to get a 3D/4D ultrasound and be able to have my family present (and get a DVD copy of the ultrasound), I have to travel about 45 minutes away to an ultrasound clinic. Since this is my first term baby, I don't mind.
Today's appointment summary: Great heart beat, 133. Uterus measures right on target. And this time I even gained weight! Yeah, it was an issue last time.
Had my third prenatal visit today and we were scheduled for our BIG ultrasound. Yes, that is all in caps because I can not wait to find out what this little wiggleworm is! And Husband and I will need all the time we can get to discuss a boy's name if it is a little boy. Trust me, it's needed.
So the BIG ultrasound is June 21. Unfortunately to get a 3D/4D ultrasound and be able to have my family present (and get a DVD copy of the ultrasound), I have to travel about 45 minutes away to an ultrasound clinic. Since this is my first term baby, I don't mind.
Today's appointment summary: Great heart beat, 133. Uterus measures right on target. And this time I even gained weight! Yeah, it was an issue last time.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
17 weeks
Wow. I'm here.
This week did not go by without event. Event thanks to my clumsiness. I fell. Up the stairs. Yes, you read that right. Hey, anyone can fall DOWN the stairs, it takes a special talent to fall up the stairs. My knee and arm took the brunt of it, but I also did have some belly involvement so off to the ER we went. Thirty minutes later I found myself hooked up to the very interesting contraption known as the non stress monitor.
There were, thankfully, no contractions. And the baby was moving around like crazy with a nice, steady heart rate of 144.
So, basically, all is good. I feel weird saying that because part of me is waiting for something. It seems too good to be true (especially after the lovely comments made to me by my MIL), but it is real. And this baby will be here in about 4 1/2 months! Yay me :-)
Side note: In one week we have our next OB appointment. At that appointment we will be scheduled for our ultrasound. Our BIG ultrasound. Yay!
This week did not go by without event. Event thanks to my clumsiness. I fell. Up the stairs. Yes, you read that right. Hey, anyone can fall DOWN the stairs, it takes a special talent to fall up the stairs. My knee and arm took the brunt of it, but I also did have some belly involvement so off to the ER we went. Thirty minutes later I found myself hooked up to the very interesting contraption known as the non stress monitor.
There were, thankfully, no contractions. And the baby was moving around like crazy with a nice, steady heart rate of 144.
So, basically, all is good. I feel weird saying that because part of me is waiting for something. It seems too good to be true (especially after the lovely comments made to me by my MIL), but it is real. And this baby will be here in about 4 1/2 months! Yay me :-)
Side note: In one week we have our next OB appointment. At that appointment we will be scheduled for our ultrasound. Our BIG ultrasound. Yay!
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
12 weeks, 5 days
On the cusp of beginning my 13th week and the official start of my second trimester (second trimester??? Me??? Are you serious???) I finally find the time to write a note of the twelfth week. It was a rather eventful week which gives me much to blog about, however robs me of the time to do so. Oh sweet irony.
This week brought another small scare and some slightly bad news. In the overall scheme of things, this is the best kind of bad news to get, but still scared me. I had another incident, went in for another ultrasound.
The good/great/awesome part: I got to see my little Pumpkin and my oh my is it an active one!!! He/she was wiggling all over the place so much the ultrasound technician had a hard time getting the measurements she needed. I heard a strong, wonderful heartbeat. She confirmed what I already knew which is that an active baby is a healthy baby. Pumpkin is measuring right on target and I got two new WONDERFUL ultrasound pictures where it actually looks like a baby this time! The peanut has definitely grown. Oh, the part that made me cry? Pumpkin fliped around and put it's little hand right in front like it was saying, "Hi Momma!" Yeah, I am a sap.
The not so good, but not so bad part: I have some retroplacental bleeding. A very small amount and the majority of it was already clotted. I get to stop one of my pills which is actually good because I don't like taking a lot of medications anyway.
My progesterone suppositories are only once every other day now.
I am blessed. That is all. :-)
This week brought another small scare and some slightly bad news. In the overall scheme of things, this is the best kind of bad news to get, but still scared me. I had another incident, went in for another ultrasound.
The good/great/awesome part: I got to see my little Pumpkin and my oh my is it an active one!!! He/she was wiggling all over the place so much the ultrasound technician had a hard time getting the measurements she needed. I heard a strong, wonderful heartbeat. She confirmed what I already knew which is that an active baby is a healthy baby. Pumpkin is measuring right on target and I got two new WONDERFUL ultrasound pictures where it actually looks like a baby this time! The peanut has definitely grown. Oh, the part that made me cry? Pumpkin fliped around and put it's little hand right in front like it was saying, "Hi Momma!" Yeah, I am a sap.
The not so good, but not so bad part: I have some retroplacental bleeding. A very small amount and the majority of it was already clotted. I get to stop one of my pills which is actually good because I don't like taking a lot of medications anyway.
My progesterone suppositories are only once every other day now.
I am blessed. That is all. :-)
Saturday, April 12, 2008
11 weeks 2 days
Yeah, I completely neglected updating on the day of my graduation and then again the day after. My life's been insane, please forgive.
Besides the joy of being so much closer to the end of my first trimester and the next doctor's appointment where we will definitely hear that wonderful heartbeat on the doppler, this week has been momentous for other reasons. I've decreased my progesterone. Now we're down to once a day. In just five short days, it will again go down to every other day.
I feel like I am coming to the other side. I'm coming to peace with my body, even slightly. After losing Lucas, I distrusted and disliked my body. I not only mourned for the child that I lost, but for the fact my body was not competent enough to provide safety and support to my child. I faced the reality that I let my own child down by not providing it with the hormone balance it needed to survive.
But this time, with some medical help, I've done better. I've kept this child safe and protected thus far. And I am planning the entrace to the world this child deserves.
We're getting closer, folks. One and a half weeks to go until we reach the second trimester officially. And hopefully some movement.
Besides the joy of being so much closer to the end of my first trimester and the next doctor's appointment where we will definitely hear that wonderful heartbeat on the doppler, this week has been momentous for other reasons. I've decreased my progesterone. Now we're down to once a day. In just five short days, it will again go down to every other day.
I feel like I am coming to the other side. I'm coming to peace with my body, even slightly. After losing Lucas, I distrusted and disliked my body. I not only mourned for the child that I lost, but for the fact my body was not competent enough to provide safety and support to my child. I faced the reality that I let my own child down by not providing it with the hormone balance it needed to survive.
But this time, with some medical help, I've done better. I've kept this child safe and protected thus far. And I am planning the entrace to the world this child deserves.
We're getting closer, folks. One and a half weeks to go until we reach the second trimester officially. And hopefully some movement.
Friday, April 4, 2008
10 weeks
Technically 1ow1d because I stink and didn't update yesterday. Yes, you may beat me later for that.
I know I say this every week, but I can hardly believe I'm here! I've come into the double digits of pregnancy! It seems surreal that in less than a week I will be able to hear my baby's heartbeat with a doppler (if I had a doppler to use, that is).
The whole lack of everything bad you hear about the first trimester (pain, morning sickness, mood swings, etc) makes it still hard to believe I am truly pregnant. I do cry a lot and I am exhausted all the time, but nothing near the horror stories so many people portray. I feel fortunate, but it still feels as if it's happening to someone else and not me.
Our first OB appointment was this week. It went wonderfully from my standpoint. The doctor did not get the heartbeat on the doppler, but I was prepared for that since it is so early. Otherwise, my uterus measures on schedule, my pelvis measures a good size for passing a baby and all my bloodwork and urinalysis is awesome. Even cynical Husband liked Dr. McDreamy.
Only 4 more weeks until the next appointment where I get to hear that wonderful little heartbeat!
I know I say this every week, but I can hardly believe I'm here! I've come into the double digits of pregnancy! It seems surreal that in less than a week I will be able to hear my baby's heartbeat with a doppler (if I had a doppler to use, that is).
The whole lack of everything bad you hear about the first trimester (pain, morning sickness, mood swings, etc) makes it still hard to believe I am truly pregnant. I do cry a lot and I am exhausted all the time, but nothing near the horror stories so many people portray. I feel fortunate, but it still feels as if it's happening to someone else and not me.
Our first OB appointment was this week. It went wonderfully from my standpoint. The doctor did not get the heartbeat on the doppler, but I was prepared for that since it is so early. Otherwise, my uterus measures on schedule, my pelvis measures a good size for passing a baby and all my bloodwork and urinalysis is awesome. Even cynical Husband liked Dr. McDreamy.
Only 4 more weeks until the next appointment where I get to hear that wonderful little heartbeat!
Thursday, March 27, 2008
9 weeks
I can hardly believe I'm typing that.
I don't feel I belong here. I post on my DIO board and on another pregnancy board, but I feel disconnected. I can't be a joyful, happy expectant mother. Too much has happened. Too much pain led me here.
I think my appointment Monday will do much in calming me. The almost complete lack of morning sickness has really messed with my head. As soon as we get that beautiful little heartbeat on the doppler, I'll breath a big sigh of relief. I don't know that I'll be able to completely relax, but I know I'll feel so much better.
My goal for the next few days is to write down the questions I want to ask at my appointment. I am terrible at remembering (especially now) things like that and this is extremely important. I also want to write a reminder to myself to discuss delivery with the doctor, specifically the fact that I want him to deliver my baby. Not his partner. Not some random doc on call. Him. My Dr. McDreamy. :-)
I gotta say, seeing that ultrasound (which I admit to looking at everyday) does help the disconnected feeling. Looking at that has made me fall so deeply in love with Peanut.
I don't feel I belong here. I post on my DIO board and on another pregnancy board, but I feel disconnected. I can't be a joyful, happy expectant mother. Too much has happened. Too much pain led me here.
I think my appointment Monday will do much in calming me. The almost complete lack of morning sickness has really messed with my head. As soon as we get that beautiful little heartbeat on the doppler, I'll breath a big sigh of relief. I don't know that I'll be able to completely relax, but I know I'll feel so much better.
My goal for the next few days is to write down the questions I want to ask at my appointment. I am terrible at remembering (especially now) things like that and this is extremely important. I also want to write a reminder to myself to discuss delivery with the doctor, specifically the fact that I want him to deliver my baby. Not his partner. Not some random doc on call. Him. My Dr. McDreamy. :-)
I gotta say, seeing that ultrasound (which I admit to looking at everyday) does help the disconnected feeling. Looking at that has made me fall so deeply in love with Peanut.
Friday, March 21, 2008
Eight weeks
Technically eight weeks and one day since I was too tired to update yesterday.
Wow. I've made it to eight weeks.
Every day feels like a step higher on a ladder, and every weeks feels like I've reached the top of Mount Everest. I know it seems like such a small accomplishment, but I truly feel like each week is a huge event. I was scared I wouldn't make it to the point where I lost my baby last time and here I am almost twice as far into my pregnancy.
We received the ultrasound images this week. I cried as soon as I opened it and realized that was my baby. The road to get here has been so hard and so long. I've cried so many tears and suffered so much heartache that I can barely believe it's actually happened.
Even typing this I'm crying because I feel so blessed to have this opportunity even though I probably don't deserve it.
Oh and this can not go without mentioning: A major milestone has been reached. In medical terminology, I no longer am carrying an embryo, but a fetus. Hey, it's the little things that make me happy :-)
Wow. I've made it to eight weeks.
Every day feels like a step higher on a ladder, and every weeks feels like I've reached the top of Mount Everest. I know it seems like such a small accomplishment, but I truly feel like each week is a huge event. I was scared I wouldn't make it to the point where I lost my baby last time and here I am almost twice as far into my pregnancy.
We received the ultrasound images this week. I cried as soon as I opened it and realized that was my baby. The road to get here has been so hard and so long. I've cried so many tears and suffered so much heartache that I can barely believe it's actually happened.
Even typing this I'm crying because I feel so blessed to have this opportunity even though I probably don't deserve it.
Oh and this can not go without mentioning: A major milestone has been reached. In medical terminology, I no longer am carrying an embryo, but a fetus. Hey, it's the little things that make me happy :-)
Thursday, March 13, 2008
7 weeks
Brought a scare.
More pain, this time very AF like cramping. Some slight pink spotting. And I do mean slight. Slight enough most people would dismiss it, but present enough to scare me into remembering the last time I saw pink spotting followed shortly by red blood and the loss of my baby.
After a frantic phone call to an understanding doctor, I found myself on my back in a dark ultrasound room at the hospital having both an external and internal ultrasound. The external ultrasound brought no comment or facial expression from my ultrasound tech.
My internal ultrasound brought the most amazing sound I've ever heard: my baby's heartbeat. When it began I looked over at her and said, "Is..." to which she smiled, nodded and said, "The heartbeat." She then called my doctor had a quick phone conference with him and then let me know I am measuring perfectly on schedule and the baby has a good, strong heartbeat.
I've never been this happy. I've never felt the need to cry this much. I am so much in love right now I can not even attempt to form words to describe the overflowing joy in my heart.
I'm pregnant. I finally believe it. I am finally excited about it.
More pain, this time very AF like cramping. Some slight pink spotting. And I do mean slight. Slight enough most people would dismiss it, but present enough to scare me into remembering the last time I saw pink spotting followed shortly by red blood and the loss of my baby.
After a frantic phone call to an understanding doctor, I found myself on my back in a dark ultrasound room at the hospital having both an external and internal ultrasound. The external ultrasound brought no comment or facial expression from my ultrasound tech.
My internal ultrasound brought the most amazing sound I've ever heard: my baby's heartbeat. When it began I looked over at her and said, "Is..." to which she smiled, nodded and said, "The heartbeat." She then called my doctor had a quick phone conference with him and then let me know I am measuring perfectly on schedule and the baby has a good, strong heartbeat.
I've never been this happy. I've never felt the need to cry this much. I am so much in love right now I can not even attempt to form words to describe the overflowing joy in my heart.
I'm pregnant. I finally believe it. I am finally excited about it.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
I've become rather chatty lately
Considering the fact I've only made five posts this entire year (and we're halfway into February), but I feel the need to blog.
It just sucks that I am not pregnant. And it sucks that I have the label of being under infertility treatment.
I know, I will appreciate my kids more than people who easily get pregnant, but I really am having a hard time dealing with that right now.
All I keep thinking is, "This freaking sucks!!!"
It just sucks that I am not pregnant. And it sucks that I have the label of being under infertility treatment.
I know, I will appreciate my kids more than people who easily get pregnant, but I really am having a hard time dealing with that right now.
All I keep thinking is, "This freaking sucks!!!"
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Roller Coaster Time Again!!
So I've had my fourth failed cycle since I lost Lucas, but it finally brought forth a diagnosis.
My miscarriage in conjunction with my charts (the low temps, so-so thermal shifts and short LPs) points to a low progesterone issue. I'm not happy to know there is something wrong with me (okay, we all knew there is more than one thing wrong with me ;) ), but I am thrilled to know that there is action being taken.
I felt helpless when I laid on the couch bleeding, losing my son. I knew I was losing him, but I couldn't do anything to stop it. I sobbed uncontrollably and began to hate myself for failing so miserably.
I know this may not be the complete answer. I know there will be some nerve-wracking times to come. I know this may not be the magical solution, but it's hope. It's a step in the right direction and it's giving me a reason to try to trust my body again.
So with a renewed hope, I took 50mg of Clomid on cycle days 3 - 7 and am now feeling the severe tell-tale ovulation pains. And when I say pain I mean PAIN. Holy cow I feel like my right ovary is going to pop out of my body. And that left one is twinging as well. Don't care, just give me a baby for it. :-D
My miscarriage in conjunction with my charts (the low temps, so-so thermal shifts and short LPs) points to a low progesterone issue. I'm not happy to know there is something wrong with me (okay, we all knew there is more than one thing wrong with me ;) ), but I am thrilled to know that there is action being taken.
I felt helpless when I laid on the couch bleeding, losing my son. I knew I was losing him, but I couldn't do anything to stop it. I sobbed uncontrollably and began to hate myself for failing so miserably.
I know this may not be the complete answer. I know there will be some nerve-wracking times to come. I know this may not be the magical solution, but it's hope. It's a step in the right direction and it's giving me a reason to try to trust my body again.
So with a renewed hope, I took 50mg of Clomid on cycle days 3 - 7 and am now feeling the severe tell-tale ovulation pains. And when I say pain I mean PAIN. Holy cow I feel like my right ovary is going to pop out of my body. And that left one is twinging as well. Don't care, just give me a baby for it. :-D
Monday, January 7, 2008
The numbers are in
When I lost Lucas, I didn't even think to ask the doctor what my beta number was. I was in too much pain to think of anything lucid.
I finally got around to getting a copy of my bloodwork and saw the number:
6.2
A 5.5 beta is considered positive, but that low of a beta combined with the heavy bleeding was just a definite miscarriage.
But knowing the number gives me some sense of peace, some sense of closure.
I feel better seeing the number because it is further physical proof that Lucas was real. I've known it all along, but now I have definitive medical proof to show Husband when he becomes belligerent.
I finally got around to getting a copy of my bloodwork and saw the number:
6.2
A 5.5 beta is considered positive, but that low of a beta combined with the heavy bleeding was just a definite miscarriage.
But knowing the number gives me some sense of peace, some sense of closure.
I feel better seeing the number because it is further physical proof that Lucas was real. I've known it all along, but now I have definitive medical proof to show Husband when he becomes belligerent.
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