40 weeks 2 days

Still here. Slightly more happy.

Let me explain the "worst birth ever" comment because it sounds terrible rereading that. I have raved before about my fantastic OBs and I will continue to stand firm in my adoration of them... but I've found a dent in their shining armor. Apparently something happened unexpectedly and this weekend they are both going to be out of town. So another practice is covering for them. You can already see where this is going right?

The other practice contains 5 doctors. Out of the five, I've heard good things (although their reputation isn't as natural birth friendly as my current practice, they are better than most). One of them I've heard horrible things about. He and my doula specifically had an issue (the issue being he threw her certification paperwork back in her face). And out of all five doctors guess which one is on call this weekend? Yep, you got it. The doula-hating, cesarean promoting, anti-natural birth doctor. This guy really is the epitome of all things wrong with obstetrics.

So I had a melt-down. A melt-down I was proud to have controlled as well as I actually did, but still a melt-down that ended in a frantic call to my doula explaining the situation.

Which brings me to the section of this post titled "Why Every Woman Needs A Doula". If my labor starts this weekend and I truly do not feel like I can call my OBs answering service, I will have a midwife as back-up to deliver my baby at home. This midwife began practicing after I was already under prenatal care with my OB and, due mostly to Husband's slight apprehension at homebirth, I decided to just stay with my practice. But with the current situation, after being informed of the particular doctor's personality, she agreed to be my back-up care. So the situation I thought could lead to the worst birth ever may actually give me the birth I've desired (although I am completely unprepared for!).

Oh and since I mentioned Husband's homebirth apprehension, I should add a tidbit about him. I've been gently informing him of the benefits of natural childbirth, homebirth, minimal medical intervention, non-circumcision, exclusive breastfeeding, etc for years now. I've converted him on many things, but homebirth concerned him and he still felt that a hospital and a doctor's care was the best place to be for birth. The other day he looks at me and says, "Our doctors aren't big on inducing, right?" After assuring him that one big reason I chose them is because they are NOT fans of induction, he said, "Oh good because inducing labor raises the chance of a c-section and the only reason doctors like to do c-sections are because they make a lot more money." Now, this is NOT new information to me, but it is new that Husband is listening to me and not being as blindingly trusting of medical staff.

After telling Husband about the possibility of a homebirth, he expressed some concerns, but I informed him that the doctor on call was exactly the kind of doctor who would induce and would wind up performing a c-section on me because he cares more about the bottom line financially and being in total control of a situation than he is about me or the baby. So he is now not opposed to a homebirth... if this weekend requires it.

And our second baby will be born at home. :-)

11 weeks 2 days

Yeah, I completely neglected updating on the day of my graduation and then again the day after. My life's been insane, please forgive.

Besides the joy of being so much closer to the end of my first trimester and the next doctor's appointment where we will definitely hear that wonderful heartbeat on the doppler, this week has been momentous for other reasons. I've decreased my progesterone. Now we're down to once a day. In just five short days, it will again go down to every other day.

I feel like I am coming to the other side. I'm coming to peace with my body, even slightly. After losing Lucas, I distrusted and disliked my body. I not only mourned for the child that I lost, but for the fact my body was not competent enough to provide safety and support to my child. I faced the reality that I let my own child down by not providing it with the hormone balance it needed to survive.

But this time, with some medical help, I've done better. I've kept this child safe and protected thus far. And I am planning the entrace to the world this child deserves.

We're getting closer, folks. One and a half weeks to go until we reach the second trimester officially. And hopefully some movement.

Pain and Nightmares

Yesterday at work I had some sharp lower abdominal pain. No spotting, thankfully, but the pain was enough to concern me. A call to my doula (who was thankfully at a midwife meeting and could pull from their experiences) confirmed my suspicions that it was probably just round ligament pain, i.e. sharp occasional pain in the lower abdomen on one side.

That scare, however, gave me a nightmare. I dreamt that I was bleeding heavily and actually saw a small piece of tissue discharge that looked exactly like the magnified image of the baby's current progress in my ticker. I knew in that instant that I had lost my baby.

It was enough to make me bolt out of bed, run to the bathroom and check for spotting. Again, there was no spotting and I was relieved by that, but still disturbed by that nightmare.

The upside of it all is that with dreams still this vivid, I think my pregnancy is pretty secure.

I'm 6w2d. Only 2 weeks to go.

Tomorrow's the big day

I opted to stay home from work sick today. I was sick all last night (which I just found out could be a side effects of the progesterone) and just couldn't bring myself to go to work today. Normally, I would go to work no matter what. I have been known to go to work after spending the entire night throwing up and running to the toilet for other reasons, but things are different this time, I have to think about the fact I am pregnant. It's not just my body anymore, it's an incubator, a sanctuary, a green house if you will for the next 35w6d.

And tomorrow is the big day. If I can make it through tomorrow with a dark HPT (still getting dark HPTs with less sensitive tests, woohoo) and no spotting, I will be farther along than I was last time. When I had my miscarriage, I began spotting at 15dpo and didn't get any dark positive HPTs.

I feel more positive about this pregnancy. I feel more comfortable with it. I think I am going to make it :-D

Roller Coaster Time Again!!

So I've had my fourth failed cycle since I lost Lucas, but it finally brought forth a diagnosis.


My miscarriage in conjunction with my charts (the low temps, so-so thermal shifts and short LPs) points to a low progesterone issue. I'm not happy to know there is something wrong with me (okay, we all knew there is more than one thing wrong with me ;) ), but I am thrilled to know that there is action being taken.

I felt helpless when I laid on the couch bleeding, losing my son. I knew I was losing him, but I couldn't do anything to stop it. I sobbed uncontrollably and began to hate myself for failing so miserably.

I know this may not be the complete answer. I know there will be some nerve-wracking times to come. I know this may not be the magical solution, but it's hope. It's a step in the right direction and it's giving me a reason to try to trust my body again.

So with a renewed hope, I took 50mg of Clomid on cycle days 3 - 7 and am now feeling the severe tell-tale ovulation pains. And when I say pain I mean PAIN. Holy cow I feel like my right ovary is going to pop out of my body. And that left one is twinging as well. Don't care, just give me a baby for it. :-D

Silence is not always golden

My life, it has been a little insane lately.

I love the holiday season, but it makes for a crazy time.

The benefit is I was able to keep my mind off of my cycle, I have been able to keep from spending every single day crying over Lucas (I have found that my down time, my quiet time is when I miss him most) and it's been rewarding:

1. My first cycle after my miscarriage I ovulated, before I even had my first AF after my miscarriage. I had read conflicting reports as to whether I would or not.

2. I ovulated on schedule. Again, I had read conflicting reports on this, some stating I may ovulate as many as two weeks later than normal.

3. I had a GREAT ovulation. I think it is due to the new supplements I was taking this cycle, but regardless, I was thrilled about that.

4. My luteal phase was better than ever. They had previously met the bare minimum to be acceptable, but this time around it was a very resepctable 13 day LP.

So now I am finishing up my first post - miscarriage AF. I am officially clear to start TTC again (shhh don't tell anyone, but I never really stopped). I hope and pray that encouraging words I've heard from women who have been through this loss before are true. I hope my body is at it's best now that it's been pregnant once and it will "remember" what it is supposed to do.

I don't mean this to say I am just moving past Lucas. His loss is still so real to me. Seeing pregnant women still rips my heart out because I can't help but think that it should be me. But doing this, actively trying again, is something I need to do. I love him with all my heart, but in order to keep from becoming a useless ball of mush.

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

I am doing so much better than I was on Thursday. I had to tell a bunch of people today that I hadn't told yet. That was sooo hard.

Last night I had the opportunity to talk to a friend of mine whom I haven't spoken with in months. She has had several miscarriages and was a great source of information for me. She validated my feelings and even agreed with me about naming the baby and buying something in his memory.

I told her that I have dealt with the pain and disappointment of losing Lucas, but what has been bothering me the most is the fact that no one else will remember him. In ten years probably none of my friends will remember that I had a miscarriage, but I will always mourn my baby. No one will remember the life that wasn't even given a chance.

It saddens me so much that the only heart that grieves for him is mine, the only tears that are cried for him are mine, the only one who mourns what he may have contributed to the world is me.

He deserves more. I feel like I should take out a full-page ad in the paper saying, "The world lost the promise of a new life. You may have never known him, but he had an impact on someone and he will be missed. He may have never taken a breath but he was deeply loved and at least one person will always mourn his loss."

I'm doing better, but I still miss my baby. I don't cry every day, but my heart still mourns. I am coping, but I will never be "over it".

No, no, no

I feel like I want to run around the room, jump up and down on the couch and scream, "No, no, no!!! No, you don't know!"

I received an email from a friend saying how sorry she was that I lost my baby (I've decided to name him and his name is Lucas). At the end of the email she said, "I know how you feel, the pain of not getting pregnant for several months when I was TTC was unbearable."

No!! No you do NOT know how I feel! I have dealt with the pain of not getting pregnant for months and months. I know what that pain is like it is NOT the same thing. You have not had a miscarriage, you do NOT know how I feel.

Do not minimalize my pain. I lost my child. I understand this child was just a vague future possibility to you, but he was real to me. I fell in love with him the moment I knew he was inside of me. There was not a moment that went by that I didn't love him more than I have ever loved another human being. And when I knew I was losing him and there was nothing I could do to stop it I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

So, please, do NOT tell me that you know how I feel. There is no possible way you know how I feel right now.

Sometimes tears aren't enough

I can't adequately verbalize my feelings right now, it just hurts too much.

I was pregnant. Four weeks and three days pregnant.

I lost my baby today. I didn't get a chance to hold him, to feel him move inside of me, to hear his cry, to hear his laughter, to see him smile or smother him in kisses. I lost him before he became real to anyone except for me.

How do I say goodbye ... when I didn't get to say hello?

I want so bad to keep you ... how do I let you go?

I have so many dreams, so much love I want to share

There's nothing I can do ...why is life unfair?

You're my perfect angel...I dreamed you long ago

I never got to hold you but it breaks my heart to let you go

The pain and confusion I feel inside

I can not explain...I can not describe

God will rock you in your cradle and watch you as you sleep

I will love you in my heart ... it's all I get to keep

you are blessed my child ... you're in heaven up above

You'll never be alone...you have Mommy & Daddy's love

Hush my little baby...you need not ever cry

You were always wanted! I wish you didn't die

You'll be my sunshine in the daylight and the brightest star at night

Reach for God's hand and go to the light

I would rather endure the pain of losing you right now

Then the thought of you suffering thru life...we'll get thru somehow

I was blessed to have you briefly...even though I have to let you go

I wish I knew the reason but I guess I'll never know

Sometimes things just suck

I don't really even know where to begin with this because I don't really know where I am with this.

Before I was even born, before I was even a thought in the mind's of either of my parents, before my parents even met, my father and his family had some issues. I won't even get in to all of the issues (to be honest, the "issues" seem to depend on which family member you talk to), but suffice it to say, it left some major rifts within the family. As time progressed, some things seemed to get slightly better, meaning people actually started talking to each other again. By the time I came along, there was something resembling a truce amongst some of them.

As tends to happen, more drama ensued (again, the actual drama depends on who you talk to) and there was more cessation of familial relationships. Put simply, a lot of my family was kept out of my life some by their own choice, some because the choice was made for them.

Now, I am losing a member of my family that I don't even know. As the prospect of mourning the loss of his life because more real by the day, I can't help but mourn the lost relationship I was not allowed to have with him because my dad was angry at other family members. I am saddened by the fact that, in my mid-twenties, there are innumerable members of my family I have never even met. When I was younger, I didn't even know they existed. The loss of this family member has reignited the mourning I have for the entire family I have never gotten a chance to really know.

When I lost my grandmother two years ago, I remember thinking, "I have no grandparents left". That isn't true. I have another grandmother and a step-grandfather. I have a grandfather and a step-grandmother. One set of them dislike and distrust me because I am my father's daughter and the hurt he inflicted has never left them. The other set got a false impression of me while I was losing my dad and after he passed. Even though I have two sets of grandparents that physically exist, I don't feel like they are real to me and I am so envious of my cousins who get to have the reality of them in their lives.

Yes, I am hormonal. The whole miscarriage thing is bothering me. Hearing that the loss of this amazing person that I've never had the privilege to meet is on the horizon has made that even worse.

Not too much cheer around this blog lately. Feel free to find a place more fun to visit.

Just need to vent

Hasty Disclaimer: If you are pregnant and reading this, please don't take offense. I am ranting and venting from a place of deep hurt and pain. This isn't directed at anyone and I do not fault anyone who has tried for a baby their joy of pregnancy and, in fact, I usually will rejoice with you. However I need to vent this, I need to release.

I am so freaking sick of seeing pregnant women! Absolutely everywhere I go I see someone who is pregnant and it rips my heart out.

My SIL recently told me her seventeen year old brother got his girlfriend pregnant at the same time SIL was going through IVF treatments to have Peanut. His girlfriend had an abortion. I am not going to get into the pro-life/pro-choice debate, but I just want to scream, "I want a baby!!! How can they get pregnant so freaking easily, when I've been hoping, praying and dreaming of a baby! It is NOT fair that she got knocked up in the backseat of some crappy sedan with a kid she didn't want and I can't get the baby I want more than anything!!"

Last night I fell asleep in Husband's arms, sobbing because I was spotting. And that just meant to me that another month was gone. Another cycle my body didn't do what it was supposed to do and get pregnant.

I am beginning to dislike my body. Innumerable other women on this planet do not have this problem. They say, "I think I'll get pregnant" and boom, it happens. I am in the end stages of my 11th cycle since I stopped using birth control. We've been actively trying since May, but we haven't used any form of birth control since December 31st, 2006.

Now, I shall end this disjointed, nonsensical sounding post and cry myself to sleep again because it just seems like the evitable end of my day since my spotting has resumed.

Been silent, been depressed

Gotta say, I've tried so hard to not get in to that angry/depressive mind set when yet another cycle ended in a BFN and the eventual emergence of AF, but it hasn't quite worked.

My heart is aching for a baby. I feel silly because it's like I am missing, almost grieving, for someone who doesn't exist.

Song lyrics make me burst in to tears at random. Movies and TV shows have me misty-eyed constantly. The few friends who know we are TTC and approach me asking how things are going are met with an overly emotional Krissy, something they have never seen before.

I try to keep my faith strong and continue to believe that God has a plan for me and would not have given me this deep love and desire for a child if he didn't have one planned for me, whether my biological child or adopted child. I am trying to stay upbeat, to remain positive, hopeful, all those flowery adjectives that are so easy to use in platitudes, but I must be honest and say my heart aches right now.

I so admire and respect the women who struggle for years with infertility. I have been going through months, more months than I told anyone about, of negative tests and heart wrenching AF arrivals and it's so emotionally draining. I can't imagine how difficult years of compounding frustration must be.

Anyone have a Band-Aid for my tongue?

At the current rate I'm going, I'll need it from biting it so much.

I love my little Peanut. He's such a sweet, pleasant little boy and, best of all, he loves to cuddle with Auntie Krissy. The other day the three of us (him, me and his mother) were at Olive Garden for lunch when he began to get fussy. I told his mom to stay put and enjoy her meal while I took care of him. I picked him up and he just cuddled right into me. We sat for fifteen minutes just cuddling. I adore those moments with him because I know in a few months he will want to crawl and explore rather than cuddle.

But the reason for the tongue biting is his mother. While we were shopping for Peanut's christening outfit, the topic of godparents came up. Now, Peanut's dad is Catholic, his mom is Presbyterian, they want him to be christened in both churches so he can make a choice about what religion he wants to be a part of when he grows up.

Obviously, in the Catholic church, he has to have Catholic godparents. I asked if they were going to have the same godparents for his Presbyterian christening, she said no.

Perhaps it was forward of me, but I assumed Husband and I would be the natural choice for godparents if religion were not an issue. We have seen Peanut at least 4 or 5 times a month since he was born, we saw him when he was five days old, we were his first baby-sitters and even his parents have commented on how happy Peanut is when I am with him, holding him and playing with him. All this, in addition to the fact Husband and BIL are such close, inseparable friends, they refer to one another as brother rather than friend (Husband even calls BIL's mom his other mom) would translate to godparent status to me, right?

Wrong.

SIL informed me that they have chosen friends who have seen Peanut a total of two times in his entire five months on this earth, who live five hours away and who have known BIL & SIL a lot less time than Husband and I have.

All that is to say, I understand it's the parent's choice to pick whoever they want to be their child's godparents, I'm not faulting them for that, I'm just saying I am very hurt it wasn't me. And by the sounds of their comments, we weren't even considered for that position.

Perhaps it's the emotions of TTC. Perhaps I am overly emotional because of the supplements, but I have spent a lot of time crying over the fact they are asking someone else to be his godparents.

Something good

I'm trying to concentrate on taking some bit of "good" away from each cycle, no matter what the ending of it may be, happy or sad.

This cycle is ending sadly. I saw multiple stark white BFNs this cycle, despite the symptoms that made me so hopeful. I'm finding myself desperately wanting to cry. I feel that deep need to sit down and have a nice long crying jag.

However, I can see something good that came from this cycle. My temps were higher throughout the entire cycle and my LP temps were much more consistent. Last month they were very erratic. Consistency is helpful when TTC, so I am happy about this.

Lying

To myself, that is.

I just made a confession on True Mom Confessions. I cried the entire time I typed it. I cried as I read confessions from moms. I cried because some were beautiful and sweet. I cried because some had me questioning why these incompetent people could be parents and not me.

I lie and tell myself that I'm okay that I'm not pregnant.

I lie and tell Husband, when his disappointment in the BFN is as evident as mine, that the next cycle will be the cycle.

I lie when I smile and say I'm not going to let it get me down.

Not me. Not now.

I feel very repetitious. That's right kiddies, I am not pregnant this cycle.

I can never be patient. I can never just wait to see what happens. I have to further the torture, to increase the pain by ignoring the temperature dip, ignoring the singular line on the pregnancy test and then decompensating when I get out of my shower to find AF in full force.

I sent Husband a text message because I couldn't bear to actually tell him, "I'm not pregnant."

I know I sound awfully dramatic, but this negative hit me so hard.

A little retail therapy today helped, but it's still difficult. Oh, and the retail therapy included me buying two pairs of maternity pants. Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. In my defense, they were 75% off and will be of major use whenever I finally see those two lines.

There are bright sides to this BFN, there really are and I may get in to those at a later date, but right now I just feel the need to wallow. It's okay if I wallow, right?

Not so much now

I truly was hopeful at the beginning of the cycle. Moreso when I noticed some favorable changes in my chart.

But now I've been analyzing my chart. Okay, the correct word would be "0ver-analyzing". Based on my chart, based on what I'm seeing, I don't think it's the cycle. My temps are way too low to indicate a successful cycle.

Even my logical side is conflicted, though. As I look at my chart and note the low temps, I also remind myself that I am currently only 8dpo. Ruling myself out at this point is not only premature, but opening myself up to unnecessary heartache. Wait until the unfortunate arrival of AF or a negative test before becoming upset.

I'm trying not to fall into that familiar pit of despair I went to everytime over the past two years I realized we had to prolong trying for a baby for one reason or another. I've wanted a baby for so long, having to delay TTC hurt me a little more each time. Now, facing the reality of a BFN, even if it is only in my second month, hurts even worse.

All props to women who suffer years of infertility. Two cycles and my heart is aching, you all have my deepest respect.

Wow, just, wow

Warning, if you're sensitive and emotional, please don't view this video.

There is a brief mention of abortion, not in the song, but on a card in the video. I'm not making a political debate about abortion with this, the rest of the song and video are amazingly moving regardless of your stance on this issue.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Recooperating

I was a little surprised at how deeply I took the unfavorable outcome of my last cycle (which was my first cy TTC, so I am trying to keep my perspective).

At first it was just mild disappointment. In the "oh well, the odds aren't with me and there is always next month" kind of way.

But some things have been happening in my life lately. Things I really can't post on a blog, but things I have told some close friends about. Since blogs are easily searachable, I don't want this whole ordeal to be found. Suffice it to say there are two people in my life doing something awful and making it impossible to be around them. My "way out" of dealing with this situation would be to achieve this pregnancy. I don't mean I want to get pg just to get out. I want to get pg because I want a baby, I want to be a mother. However, the fact that a pregnancy would have the additional bonus of helping me out of this situation.

So now I have a secondary reason to want this baby. I called Husband yesterday and said, "I hope you're planning on knocking me up this time because this whole thing is getting out of hand."

Not a member of Club A

I'm neither completely surprised nor upset.

I'm disappointed.

Yeah, I'm not one of the "pregnant our first month" people.

Honestly, I'm not super emotional over this. The best word is disappointed. I am not upset that our first month of TTC didn't yield the desired benefit, I'm upset because I want a baby. It's difficult to articulate the deep desire I have for a baby, but it gets deeper daily.

In my usual fashion, however, I will cuddle Peanut until I'm blessed with a little one of my own.