40 weeks 2 days

Still here. Slightly more happy.

Let me explain the "worst birth ever" comment because it sounds terrible rereading that. I have raved before about my fantastic OBs and I will continue to stand firm in my adoration of them... but I've found a dent in their shining armor. Apparently something happened unexpectedly and this weekend they are both going to be out of town. So another practice is covering for them. You can already see where this is going right?

The other practice contains 5 doctors. Out of the five, I've heard good things (although their reputation isn't as natural birth friendly as my current practice, they are better than most). One of them I've heard horrible things about. He and my doula specifically had an issue (the issue being he threw her certification paperwork back in her face). And out of all five doctors guess which one is on call this weekend? Yep, you got it. The doula-hating, cesarean promoting, anti-natural birth doctor. This guy really is the epitome of all things wrong with obstetrics.

So I had a melt-down. A melt-down I was proud to have controlled as well as I actually did, but still a melt-down that ended in a frantic call to my doula explaining the situation.

Which brings me to the section of this post titled "Why Every Woman Needs A Doula". If my labor starts this weekend and I truly do not feel like I can call my OBs answering service, I will have a midwife as back-up to deliver my baby at home. This midwife began practicing after I was already under prenatal care with my OB and, due mostly to Husband's slight apprehension at homebirth, I decided to just stay with my practice. But with the current situation, after being informed of the particular doctor's personality, she agreed to be my back-up care. So the situation I thought could lead to the worst birth ever may actually give me the birth I've desired (although I am completely unprepared for!).

Oh and since I mentioned Husband's homebirth apprehension, I should add a tidbit about him. I've been gently informing him of the benefits of natural childbirth, homebirth, minimal medical intervention, non-circumcision, exclusive breastfeeding, etc for years now. I've converted him on many things, but homebirth concerned him and he still felt that a hospital and a doctor's care was the best place to be for birth. The other day he looks at me and says, "Our doctors aren't big on inducing, right?" After assuring him that one big reason I chose them is because they are NOT fans of induction, he said, "Oh good because inducing labor raises the chance of a c-section and the only reason doctors like to do c-sections are because they make a lot more money." Now, this is NOT new information to me, but it is new that Husband is listening to me and not being as blindingly trusting of medical staff.

After telling Husband about the possibility of a homebirth, he expressed some concerns, but I informed him that the doctor on call was exactly the kind of doctor who would induce and would wind up performing a c-section on me because he cares more about the bottom line financially and being in total control of a situation than he is about me or the baby. So he is now not opposed to a homebirth... if this weekend requires it.

And our second baby will be born at home. :-)

40 weeks 1 day

I am overdue. I am not happy.

I've been having these stupid meaningless contractions for a week now that aren't doing a whole lot other than getting my hopes up.

And I can't give birth this weekend (long story) so either I stay pregnant for another three days or I have the worst birth ever.

Please, God, let this baby come today!

Pain and Nightmares

Yesterday at work I had some sharp lower abdominal pain. No spotting, thankfully, but the pain was enough to concern me. A call to my doula (who was thankfully at a midwife meeting and could pull from their experiences) confirmed my suspicions that it was probably just round ligament pain, i.e. sharp occasional pain in the lower abdomen on one side.

That scare, however, gave me a nightmare. I dreamt that I was bleeding heavily and actually saw a small piece of tissue discharge that looked exactly like the magnified image of the baby's current progress in my ticker. I knew in that instant that I had lost my baby.

It was enough to make me bolt out of bed, run to the bathroom and check for spotting. Again, there was no spotting and I was relieved by that, but still disturbed by that nightmare.

The upside of it all is that with dreams still this vivid, I think my pregnancy is pretty secure.

I'm 6w2d. Only 2 weeks to go.

I've become rather chatty lately

Considering the fact I've only made five posts this entire year (and we're halfway into February), but I feel the need to blog.

It just sucks that I am not pregnant. And it sucks that I have the label of being under infertility treatment.

I know, I will appreciate my kids more than people who easily get pregnant, but I really am having a hard time dealing with that right now.

All I keep thinking is, "This freaking sucks!!!"

Just need to vent

Hasty Disclaimer: If you are pregnant and reading this, please don't take offense. I am ranting and venting from a place of deep hurt and pain. This isn't directed at anyone and I do not fault anyone who has tried for a baby their joy of pregnancy and, in fact, I usually will rejoice with you. However I need to vent this, I need to release.

I am so freaking sick of seeing pregnant women! Absolutely everywhere I go I see someone who is pregnant and it rips my heart out.

My SIL recently told me her seventeen year old brother got his girlfriend pregnant at the same time SIL was going through IVF treatments to have Peanut. His girlfriend had an abortion. I am not going to get into the pro-life/pro-choice debate, but I just want to scream, "I want a baby!!! How can they get pregnant so freaking easily, when I've been hoping, praying and dreaming of a baby! It is NOT fair that she got knocked up in the backseat of some crappy sedan with a kid she didn't want and I can't get the baby I want more than anything!!"

Last night I fell asleep in Husband's arms, sobbing because I was spotting. And that just meant to me that another month was gone. Another cycle my body didn't do what it was supposed to do and get pregnant.

I am beginning to dislike my body. Innumerable other women on this planet do not have this problem. They say, "I think I'll get pregnant" and boom, it happens. I am in the end stages of my 11th cycle since I stopped using birth control. We've been actively trying since May, but we haven't used any form of birth control since December 31st, 2006.

Now, I shall end this disjointed, nonsensical sounding post and cry myself to sleep again because it just seems like the evitable end of my day since my spotting has resumed.

All Signs Point To No

Yesterday, my temp dropped.

Yesterday, I got a BFN.

Yesterday, I spotted a little after Husband and I DTD.

So why am I planning to test today? Why am I this glutton for punishment? I reason away the logical conclusion that I am not pregnant like this:

"My temp was back up a little today."

"The test was a +/- test, those are notoriously unreliable!"

"The spotting only occured after DTD and has gone away now. No sex for Husband!!"

I am normally such a common sense type gal, why can't I just see the big, glaring, green neon sign in front of me that says, "You are NOT pregnant"?

Dates and thoughts

I know that if I get pregnant this month (and please, God, let it be so!), I would be due in May. I love that because my birthday is in May. I love Emeralds, so my Mother's ring (or necklace or whatever) will have at least one stone in it I love.

I figured I'd play around with due dates and went to one of the websites that calculates it for you. Well, it calculates it based on your LMP, however I'm ovulating later this month than I normally do, so the date of conception is wrong. Based on the dates they gave me, I added the missing days to it (I'm Oing today) and came up with some interesting dates:

My EDD would be May 25, 2008. My birthday.

The end of my first trimester would be November 9, 2007. My dad's birthday.

I really need to get off of here and start cleaning, but I had to point that out. Even if it's only to myself.

Anniversaries, temperatures and cramping, oh my!

Tomorrow is Husband and I's sixth wedding anniversary. I wrote a huge bit about it on my MySpace page, and will probably post something more in detail on here tomorrow or Sunday, but right now I just want to make that announcement. After last year, I am surprised, proud and thankful we are celebrating our sixth anniversary and truly celebrating this year.

As for the rest of it, my temps have begun to get slightly erratic and, although my OPKs have consistantly been negative, I've had some odd cramping on my left side. It's very early for me to O, but I am taking Vitex this cy, so who knows what that's doing to my body.

I am praying intensely for this cycle. My brother's visit has been rescheduled to the end of Sept/beginning of Oct so I have another chance to tell them, in person, that I am pregnant. I would find out about the pregnancy, roughly, around Grandparent's Day, which would be a great way to announce it to my mom and Husband's parents. Also, the baby would be due in May, my birth month.

There is so much right about this, I can't stand to think of it going wrong.

And as corny as it sounds, I think I am falling in love with a person that hasn't been conceived yet. I know that's not truly possible, but I am falling in love with the hope of the person that may be to come. If that makes any sense at all, then it needs no further explanation. If it makes no sense at all, I don't think I can accurately describe it to you.

Lack of Recognition

Sometimes, I find I don't recognize myself anymore.

I've become obsessed with trying to have a child. I don't mean it in the cutesy sense, I mean it in the very literal, I need a medical diagnosis kind of obsessed. I feel like there is a huge piece of the puzzle of Krissy that is missing, the "Mother" piece. However, in the search for that piece, I've lost another piece of me: my sanity.

My time online is mostly spent searching for more natural supplements to aide in fertility for both dh and myself. I went shopping today and walked out of the mall with a diaper bag (in my defense, it was adorable and only five bucks). When I went to yard sales last week, I specifically went looking for baby clothes.

I think I have a little bit more than just a case of baby fever. And I need to get a grip on it, quickly.

"Cause it’s all in my head, I think about it over and over again"

If fertilization occured, it is highly improbable that implantation has happened and it is the implantation that triggers all the hormonal changes that begin the pregnancy symtoms.

And yet, even with this bit of knowledge tucked away in my little brain, I still am creating these imaginary symptoms. Increased appetite, frequent urination, stomach cramps in the muscles.

Sheesh, I have nine more days of this. This will not be good.

Deep, calming breath

I feel very good about this cycle.

This blog is full of TMI, so I won't even give that warning, but if you are a family member of mine or Husband's, perhaps it would be beneficial to stop reading... ASAP.

After Husband and I bd last night (following my very first positive OPK), about 45 minutes later, I had very distinct O pains. The only difference this that I can usually feel which side they are on, this time I felt them on both sides. Yes, I know what I am implying by saying that, but it was clearly Mittelschmerz and clearly on both sides.

I know even with perfect timing and perfect conditions, there is only a 25% chance of conception, but I feel so optimistic that this cycle is going to work. I don't quite know why, but I just do.

Holding patterns suck

In the message boards I'm on and of all the blinkies I've seen, much is made of the "two week wait" post ovulation until testing time. But I am currently in the midst of another kind of two week wait, waiting to ovulate.

I really dislike this wait. At least after I ovulate I have the "I've done all I can do, now it's my turn to trust God and trust my body and let go". Right now I feel such pressure to monitor every idiosyncrasy of my body so that I don't overlook an ovulation symptom to make sure our BD timing is correct. And last month I missed the cues and, while our BD timing wasn't horrible, it obviously wasn't good enough.

This particular point in my cycle makes me beat myself up expecting perfection, and an almost ESP like ability to time my BD correctly. Yes, I chart religiously and even use those blasted OPKs that counfound me monthly, but I still feel like I am under such pressure right now. BION, the two week post O wait is much more relaxing for me.

I am just weird like that ;-)

These signs weren't on my driver's exam

I swear, during this nerve-wracking time known as the two week wait, absolutely everything that happens to your body is a sign.

I'm speaking of myself when I make this judgemental statement. Increased urination? I'm pregnant. Feeling gassy? A clearer sign than EPT. Increased appetite? Let's go buy maternity clothes.

I've even begun analyzing every nuance of my body, looking for something out of the ordinary. After all, not every woman has identical pregnancy symptoms. Many have something that is unique to them which signals pregnancy. So the odd vibration sensations in my lower stomach? An obvious sign.

Husband reminded me today of my mom's ability to stop her birth control medicine, declare "I want a baby now" and get pregnant. He also reminded me of the long line of accidental pregnancies in my family.

He thinks our first month may be our last. I would love for him to be right.

Announcement questions

I have been thinking a lot about who to tell I am pregnant, when to tell them and how to tell them.

Obviously Husband will be the second to know (I'm kinda the first;-). I have a few ideas in mind of how to announce it to him, but I'm still not exactly sure. I love the idea of making it an event rather than just simply saying, "I'm pregnant!" But depending on how excited I am, I may just blurt it out!

I am betting on my mom being next in line. She lives next door to us now and is one of my best friends. We are super close and I can't imagine waiting longer than a day to tell her. However, again, I want to tell her in a special way, so we shall see if I can contain myself long enough to go through with the plan.

Husband will probably tell his parents. In all honesty, with their personalities and mindset, I will just probably buy them some flowers or something similar, not making it quite the event my mom will have.

As far as our friends go, I doubt we will do any sort of formal announcing. Husband will probably call his brother immediately because that's just how they are. Actually, Husband will probably blurt it out to all of our friends, he's just so excited.

My only concern is telling too many people too soon and something going wrong. I know it's very dark of me to even consider a miscarriage, but it is a reality that should be considered. I don't know if I could handle all the sympathy I'd get. Not that I wouldn't appreciate being comforted, but hearing "I'm so sorry" or "Is there anything I can do?" from twenty-five people can be overwhelming. I am fortunate to have compassionate friends, but hearing repetitive condolences would be hard.

Have I mentioned I tend to overanalyze?

Not usually an excitable event

I've never been too thrilled at the appearance of AF. Or, more accurately, the signs of approaching AF.

But I started spotting tonight and got an immediate big goofy grin on my face. By spotting I don't mean the microscopic false spotting I thought I saw last night, I mean the real deal which hails the imminent arrival of AF in the next day or two.

I haven't taken down my countdown ticker just yet, I want to wait until AF comes in full force, but I think that will occur tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm a giddy, giddy, giddy girl.

I feel kind of like I am standing on a precipice. As I sit alone in my living room reality is surrounding me like a cloud. I don't mean to sound overly dramatic, but for some reason the realization hitting me when I'm alone has made it more profound to me and awaken the poet inside, hence the epodic ramblings.

Problem #3,295 with outsourcing

I'm not going to get in to a political debate about party vs party, or agenda vs agenda, I'm just going to rant about outsourcing, big companies and how they are giving me a headache.

Prior to our move, we had a PO box address. After we moved, we retained the PO box for a while and slowly began changing our bills over to the new address to do it in something resembling a controlled fashion so nothing would get missed. Or so we thought.

We changed one particular credit card last and decided to wait until after the holidays to change it... just in case. We haven't received a bill from them since March. We got a phone call today saying our card was past due. Why? Because we haven't received a bill!

Interestingly enough, when I was speaking to the person about the bill, she asked me to confirm my address since I claimed I hadn't received a bill. Now, I bet you are thinking that they didn't change the address, right? Umm, no, they changed it. To something not even close to what the old or new address is! They took our street number, made it a PO Box instead, didn't change the city, but changed the zip code!

I was not a happy camper. To make me even more unhappy, the person I was speaking to obviously did not speak English as her first language. Heck, I can't even say it was her second language as I had to slowly spell out the word "Old" for her. Twice. And then I demanded to talk to a CSR who speaks English in order to get these ridiculous late fees removed from our account.

Grrrr, good thing I am stressing prior to TTC or being pg. This would NOT be good for the baby.

How you know you have a problem

As I've said before, Husband and I have used NFP as our chosen method of birth control for many years. As such, I've become well used to checking the TP for CM and/or spotting. It's pretty much a habit now.

Tonight, I analyzed and scrutinized that poor TP to death, holding it up to the light and trying to convince myself there was a streak of pink on it denoting the onset of AF.

There was no streak. If there was truly a streak of pink, it would take a 90 diopter lens in order to really see it.

This is the first time in my life I have been praying to get my period, wanting desperately to have a fresh cycle so I can get on with the process of TTC. I feel like I am in such a holding pattern right now.

Okay, so in my time zone I only have 1.5 more hours in this day and then it will be CD27, some spotting should definitely be present.

One week

One week from today is May 31st.

One week from tomorrow, my birthday, is June 1st

June 1st is our day.

Part of me is scared I will get pregnant the first month. I know that sounds silly, absurd and would irritate people who've been trying for months, even years with no success, but I am scared it will be "too easy" if that makes sense.

Another part of me is scared it will take months. I am prepared to have three or four unsuccessful cycles, but the thought of six months or a year TTC has me concerned. I have a pseudo-hard exterior, but in reality, I am a big softy and repeated BFNs scare me.

Good grief, I do overthink a lot, don't I?

A short Husband brag

Actually, a long Husband brag.

First off, let me say, it hasn't always been sunshine and roses with Husband and I. Last year at this time we almost joined the ranks of the divorce statistics. I'm not exaggerating with that statement. It was almost all over. But, Husband did something amazing and proved to me that our marriage was more important than his pride. He went to marriage counseling with me after months of fighting me. And it, literally, saved our marriage. This may sound cliche, but now that we've moved past the crisis I am thankful for it because it showed me the true strength of our relationship.

That said, I can be awfully critical of him at times, so let me take a moment to brag a bit.

Five years ago when his great niece was an infant, he gagged when she spit up a little on him, threw her into my arms and began ripping clothes off. Basically, he was completely spastic about the bodily functions of a baby, not a great indicator of future father material. He has repeatedly told me he couldn't handle changing diapers. Not even wet ones. Point blank refused.

This week, the Nephew (who will henceforth be known as Peanut because that's what I call him and I just can't stand calling him Nephew any more) had his first cold. Saturday night he threw up about two ounces of formula all over daddy. Sunday morning he threw up a large amount of formula all over Husband. In an event I can refer to as nothing short of miraculous, Husband put Peanut on his changing table, took off his outfit and cleaned him up before removing his own polo shirt. He then proceeded to change a poopy diaper before redressing him. Yep, my husband.

FTR, this is the second dirty diaper he has changed in the past two weeks and has even mastered the technique of changing a little boy without getting squirted. I was impressed and proud.

In addition to this, I have to brag on Husband's professional accomplishments. One of the girls I work with has a husband who is unemployed and not even attempting to attain employment. He's using school as an excuse (I won't go into all the details), but it's a bunch of bologna. But this particular man's lack of ambition and lack of responsibility has made me more appreciative of Husband's career and resilience.

When we were dating and first married he was a pilot. Then 9/11 happened. I think you can guess where his career went. Without missing a beat, he entered a new field and has become immensely successful. In the space of three years he has been promoted three times, received half a dozen raises and obtained 100% company paid medical, dental and vision insurance for himself and any dependents. In addition, he has begun his own company and has been very successful with it, making an amazing supplemental income. Between these two careers, I'll be afforded the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom. And I adore him for the fact he understood and embraced my need to be a SAHM and made major moves to make that possible.

What tomorrow holds...

It seems like every day I am coming to a point where I am doing something daily, even something little, in preparation for TTC.

Tomorrow I plan to purchase some storage containers for our winter clothing and also to organize the second bedroom, which will become the nursery when we successfully conceive. I'm also going to get another bottle of prenatal vitamins. I've been remiss in taking them, completely forgot to get a new bottle when I ran out, so I must get on the ball with this.

There are so many tiny details I feel need to be in place before June 1st, it seems impossible and highlights my obsessive nature, but they are necessary things for me. I have the utmost respect for anyone who has an "oops" baby. I am planning this out with painstaking detail and still feel unprepared.

In other news, fifteen days to go.