The numbers are in

When I lost Lucas, I didn't even think to ask the doctor what my beta number was. I was in too much pain to think of anything lucid.

I finally got around to getting a copy of my bloodwork and saw the number:

6.2

A 5.5 beta is considered positive, but that low of a beta combined with the heavy bleeding was just a definite miscarriage.

But knowing the number gives me some sense of peace, some sense of closure.

I feel better seeing the number because it is further physical proof that Lucas was real. I've known it all along, but now I have definitive medical proof to show Husband when he becomes belligerent.

In the next 366 days I plan to...

Have a baby (like that one wasn't obvious)

Continue my education in two areas

Go in to business with a friend of mine

Get a bigger house (via an addition on to our current home, not planning on moving)

Rediscover me. I've been lost somewhere along the way

Strengthen my faith. Losing Lucas hurt my faith, big time.

Nothing to do with babies, nothing to do with Husband, nothing to do with me

But I just read this and loved it and had to share it somewhere:

a certain sadness

touches me

in thoughts too deep to share

not that you never loved me

but that I cease to care

Silence is not always golden

My life, it has been a little insane lately.

I love the holiday season, but it makes for a crazy time.

The benefit is I was able to keep my mind off of my cycle, I have been able to keep from spending every single day crying over Lucas (I have found that my down time, my quiet time is when I miss him most) and it's been rewarding:

1. My first cycle after my miscarriage I ovulated, before I even had my first AF after my miscarriage. I had read conflicting reports as to whether I would or not.

2. I ovulated on schedule. Again, I had read conflicting reports on this, some stating I may ovulate as many as two weeks later than normal.

3. I had a GREAT ovulation. I think it is due to the new supplements I was taking this cycle, but regardless, I was thrilled about that.

4. My luteal phase was better than ever. They had previously met the bare minimum to be acceptable, but this time around it was a very resepctable 13 day LP.

So now I am finishing up my first post - miscarriage AF. I am officially clear to start TTC again (shhh don't tell anyone, but I never really stopped). I hope and pray that encouraging words I've heard from women who have been through this loss before are true. I hope my body is at it's best now that it's been pregnant once and it will "remember" what it is supposed to do.

I don't mean this to say I am just moving past Lucas. His loss is still so real to me. Seeing pregnant women still rips my heart out because I can't help but think that it should be me. But doing this, actively trying again, is something I need to do. I love him with all my heart, but in order to keep from becoming a useless ball of mush.

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

I am doing so much better than I was on Thursday. I had to tell a bunch of people today that I hadn't told yet. That was sooo hard.

Last night I had the opportunity to talk to a friend of mine whom I haven't spoken with in months. She has had several miscarriages and was a great source of information for me. She validated my feelings and even agreed with me about naming the baby and buying something in his memory.

I told her that I have dealt with the pain and disappointment of losing Lucas, but what has been bothering me the most is the fact that no one else will remember him. In ten years probably none of my friends will remember that I had a miscarriage, but I will always mourn my baby. No one will remember the life that wasn't even given a chance.

It saddens me so much that the only heart that grieves for him is mine, the only tears that are cried for him are mine, the only one who mourns what he may have contributed to the world is me.

He deserves more. I feel like I should take out a full-page ad in the paper saying, "The world lost the promise of a new life. You may have never known him, but he had an impact on someone and he will be missed. He may have never taken a breath but he was deeply loved and at least one person will always mourn his loss."

I'm doing better, but I still miss my baby. I don't cry every day, but my heart still mourns. I am coping, but I will never be "over it".

No, no, no

I feel like I want to run around the room, jump up and down on the couch and scream, "No, no, no!!! No, you don't know!"

I received an email from a friend saying how sorry she was that I lost my baby (I've decided to name him and his name is Lucas). At the end of the email she said, "I know how you feel, the pain of not getting pregnant for several months when I was TTC was unbearable."

No!! No you do NOT know how I feel! I have dealt with the pain of not getting pregnant for months and months. I know what that pain is like it is NOT the same thing. You have not had a miscarriage, you do NOT know how I feel.

Do not minimalize my pain. I lost my child. I understand this child was just a vague future possibility to you, but he was real to me. I fell in love with him the moment I knew he was inside of me. There was not a moment that went by that I didn't love him more than I have ever loved another human being. And when I knew I was losing him and there was nothing I could do to stop it I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

So, please, do NOT tell me that you know how I feel. There is no possible way you know how I feel right now.

Sometimes tears aren't enough

I can't adequately verbalize my feelings right now, it just hurts too much.

I was pregnant. Four weeks and three days pregnant.

I lost my baby today. I didn't get a chance to hold him, to feel him move inside of me, to hear his cry, to hear his laughter, to see him smile or smother him in kisses. I lost him before he became real to anyone except for me.

How do I say goodbye ... when I didn't get to say hello?

I want so bad to keep you ... how do I let you go?

I have so many dreams, so much love I want to share

There's nothing I can do ...why is life unfair?

You're my perfect angel...I dreamed you long ago

I never got to hold you but it breaks my heart to let you go

The pain and confusion I feel inside

I can not explain...I can not describe

God will rock you in your cradle and watch you as you sleep

I will love you in my heart ... it's all I get to keep

you are blessed my child ... you're in heaven up above

You'll never be alone...you have Mommy & Daddy's love

Hush my little baby...you need not ever cry

You were always wanted! I wish you didn't die

You'll be my sunshine in the daylight and the brightest star at night

Reach for God's hand and go to the light

I would rather endure the pain of losing you right now

Then the thought of you suffering thru life...we'll get thru somehow

I was blessed to have you briefly...even though I have to let you go

I wish I knew the reason but I guess I'll never know