Baby Making 101

New Blog

2008-12-07T22:46:00.001-05:00

Since the babe has been made, this blog has kind of run it's course. So now on to the next phase of our life:

http://thecatalanos.blogspot.com/

Birth Story Part 2

2008-11-20T13:17:00.003-05:00

I know, I stink at updating... sorry!!!

Let me begin with something I should have said in the beginning: I have a very specific religious belief. Part of my belief is that when you pray for something, you need to actually believe it will happen. Not maybe, not hopefully, but definitely will. Even something like a pain free childbirth. Just like the author of this book, that's what I had prayed for. Keep this in mind as I finish the story.

Anyway, I have to rave about the first nurse that was in L & D when we got there. She was wonderful, patient, kind and very supportive of allowing me to have a natural child birth. I absolutely adored her.

And I was heartbroken when I hadn't yet come anywhere near pushing when her shift was over. At that point, I was at 7cm and had been in labor for nearly 24 hours.

My water bag was bulging and the next nurse on staff kept insisting that all I needed was for my water to break and I would go straight to 10cm and could begin pushing. Problem was I specifically did NOT want my membrane to be ruptured artificially. So the entire time she took care of me I was extremely uptight and scared she'd try to talk my OB into doing an AROM, throwing my body into contractions it wasn't ready for.

At 7am, after nearly 31 hours of labor, the nursing staff finally switched again. The next nurse, while not as completely wonderful as my first nurse, was so much better than the previous nurse. Before she had a chance to check my progress (something they did at the beginning of each shift) my doctor arrived. He checked and, thankfully, he did not feel my bag of water. At one point during the numerous trips up and down the L & D hallway, I had made a trip to the bathroom where my doula and I both thought my water had broke due to what we heard, but I didn't feel anything, so we disregarded it. Fortunately, we were correct and it was a membrane rupture.

He was happy to see that my water had broken on it's own, but I was only at 9cm with a small lip still present on the right side. He left and said he'd be back soon to deliver my baby.

Well... it didn't exactly happen that way.

By 2 that afternoon (while under the care of yet another nurse who I could NOT stand) I was still at 9... still had a lip. The doctor said he'd like to give me a little bit of Pitocin to finish out the dilation and effacement. After 38 hours of labor he was concerned about my exhaustion level.

My doula and I decided to kick things into high gear so we did a ton of exercises, faster paced walking and even stair climbing. I also had a mini break down where I sobbed about the labor being nothing like I expected and taking forever to progress.

By 6 or 6:30 I was in transition having intense contractions combined with stomach cramps with barely enough time to breath in between. I was also bleeding heavily which scared me beyond belief.

At this point, my nurse decided to throw a hissy fit because I insisted she let me off the bed to go to the bathroom (I only had intermittent monitoring, but at one point I had an intense stomach cramp and needed to go to the bathroom then, monitoring or no). By some sort of miracle, my wonderful, awesome first nurse was back on rotation, although she wasn't my nurse and was scheduled to be off that day. I told Husband to go get her and I asked her if I could have another nurse. I couldn't stand the other nurse and did not want her present while I was pushing.

Being the wonderful, awesome nurse she was she switched patients with the nasty nurse and came in to help me deliver. She went above and beyond the call of duty, doing everything in her power to help me not tear. I don't think I could have done it without her there with me.

The pushing was the hardest part. I wanted to give up. I was tired and I didn't have the energy to push as much or as hard as I needed to. It felt like it took forever. I was sweating, crying and completely exhausted physically and emotionally. It was 7:30 at night and I had been in labor for 43 hours. I kept asking why I was pushing if the doctor wasn't there and begging my mom to just let the baby stay in me.

After only 34 minutes of pushing, my son was born. It felt a lot longer than that, but in retrospect it was a very short time for a first birth.

After 43 1/2 hours of labor, 34 minutes of pushing and more contractions than I wish to count, my son was born on November 8, 2008 at 8:04pm weighing in at 6lb 3oz. I did tear, but only a tiny bit requiring only 2 stitches.

And yes, my entire 43 1/2 hours of labor was pain free. There were times it was intense, but it was never painful. The recovery was, by far, more painful than the labor.

Now my pregnancy journey for this baby is over. The path of motherhood, however, is just beginning.

Birth Story Part One

2008-11-13T22:04:00.007-05:00

My son is now five days old. Since Husband is holding him and he nursed recently, I am going to attempt to take the opportunity to write out his birth story. I am still kind of processing it, so bear with me.

Friday November 7th I woke up at 12:30am with diarrhea and cramping. By 1:00 am I realized it was labor and was different from my previous contractions. I went back to bed in an attempt to sleep and prepare for what was to come. At 2:30 am I finally decided to alert Husband and asked him to go downstairs to get my watch and time the contractions. They were 4 minutes apart and lasting about 45 seconds. I gave up the sleeping in bed theory and went downstairs to watch some DVDs and relax. I told Husband to go back to sleep because I needed him as rested as possible... it served no purpose to have both of us exhausted. I had no choice as to whether or not I could sleep, but he did and needed to take advantage of it while he could and I would wake him when I needed him.

Somewhere around 5 or 6 I popped in the tub for a while. I figured if a hot bath stopped the labor, then it was obviously more false labor. After 30 minutes and about 5 contractions, I confirmed to myself it was the real thing. Knowing my mom was up and getting ready for work, I went next door and told her she could go into work if she wanted, but I may be calling her to come home early. She decided to go, but was on high alert.

By this time I had already been in labor for nearly seven hours. Things were progressing, but still nothing that made me feel I needed to go to the hospital, wake Husband or call my doula. I did, however, decide to eat and made myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole wheat toast.

I already had an appointment with my OB scheduled for 1:45 pm (the appointment was to discuss induction) so I called to cancel the appointment and told them that I was in active labor and would call when I felt I needed to go to the hospital. They talked me into coming in anyway. In addition to Husband, our doula and my mom accompanied me to my appointment since we were all pretty much assuming I'd be sent straight to the hospital. And I was. He checked me and said I was abot 5 cm dilated and called the hospital to make all the arrangements and let his partner, who was the doctor on call, know I was coming up.

Since 5 cm isn't very much for someone hoping to avoid medical intervention, we all went to a local park and did laps around it for a while then got something to eat before heading to the hospital around 5:00 pm.

To be continued...

41 weeks 1 day

2008-11-07T08:19:00.002-05:00

I'm in active labor. I've been contracting since 12:30 am without it stopping. Had some more bleeding. Contractions are 4 - 5 minutes apart and lasting about 1 minute.

At some point today, I should have my baby in my arms.

40 weeks 5 days

2008-11-04T21:46:00.004-05:00

Again, recording for posterity (and so I can accurately remember how this all went during my next pregnancy). Feel free to disregard anything I'm saying here :-)

Tonight has brought about a lot of pressure, cramping and some of that same sharp pain. It's also included further loss of the mucus plug (no doubt this time) just a little over 4 days since my bloody show.

I've been spending lots of time draped on my birthing ball and squatting to make sure the baby gets in the right position. Tomorrow morning I have another chiropractor appointment (I had one last night and one on Friday... trying to encourage the little guy to move on out) so perhaps a little adjustment from him will be the button that needs pushed.

I don't feel a ton of strong contractions, nothing really momentous from that end, but I am seeing signs of progress, so that's enough for me right now. I'm just trying to relax and get into a place of calmness and peace to let my body do what it needs to do.

Hopefully, I'll be holding my little boy soon and can just avoid any hint of drama that may arise at Friday's appointment.

40 weeks 3 days

2008-11-02T08:37:00.005-05:00

I am realizing people say some pretty interesting things to women who are have gone past their due date. Here is a helpful list of things NOT to say to such a woman:

"Still pregnant?!?!?!" Said with varying levels of incredulity. I think the entire lack of a child in my arms is a pretty good indicator.
"My aunt/cousin/niece/sister/random stranger did X and had her baby within 24 hours." If I wanted a sure fire way to have my child, I'd take the pitocin evil on-call OB would so willingly offer me. And if/when I want a natural induction, I'll ask for help or consult on-call midwife.
Please do not correct me, especially about something trivial. I am tired, cranky, worried and all other sorts of emotions, I just need to rant sometimes without being corrected.
"If you drop any further, he will be between your knees!" I am carrying him, I know exactly how low he is. Trust me.
"I went three weeks past my due date with my first." Not helpful. Really not helpful.
Any comment on my size. Any. I know I don't have a very large belly. I know I haven't gained a lot of weight with this baby, but both the doctors and I are confident based on his size and heart rate that he is healthy and the other numbers really don't count.
"He'll come when he is ready." No, really? DUH!
"He's waiting for the Steeler game/the election/some other specific day." Really? Have you been consulting with my still-in-utero child without my knowledge? Nice to know he talks more to random people than he does to the woman who has carried him for the past nine months and contributed half of his DNA.
"Maybe your due date is wrong." I have been using NFP for many years now, I know how to chart. Beyond that, I know I ovulated on February 7th. In case you need it taken one step further, coitus: 2/7 at 1:30 pm, ovulation: 2/7 at 4:30 pm. I know my due date.

There are more, but these are the only ones I've encountered recently. Stay tuned for more rants from the preggo chick ;-)

40 weeks 2 days

2008-11-01T21:07:00.003-04:00

Still here. Slightly more happy.

Let me explain the "worst birth ever" comment because it sounds terrible rereading that. I have raved before about my fantastic OBs and I will continue to stand firm in my adoration of them... but I've found a dent in their shining armor. Apparently something happened unexpectedly and this weekend they are both going to be out of town. So another practice is covering for them. You can already see where this is going right?

The other practice contains 5 doctors. Out of the five, I've heard good things (although their reputation isn't as natural birth friendly as my current practice, they are better than most). One of them I've heard horrible things about. He and my doula specifically had an issue (the issue being he threw her certification paperwork back in her face). And out of all five doctors guess which one is on call this weekend? Yep, you got it. The doula-hating, cesarean promoting, anti-natural birth doctor. This guy really is the epitome of all things wrong with obstetrics.

So I had a melt-down. A melt-down I was proud to have controlled as well as I actually did, but still a melt-down that ended in a frantic call to my doula explaining the situation.

Which brings me to the section of this post titled "Why Every Woman Needs A Doula". If my labor starts this weekend and I truly do not feel like I can call my OBs answering service, I will have a midwife as back-up to deliver my baby at home. This midwife began practicing after I was already under prenatal care with my OB and, due mostly to Husband's slight apprehension at homebirth, I decided to just stay with my practice. But with the current situation, after being informed of the particular doctor's personality, she agreed to be my back-up care. So the situation I thought could lead to the worst birth ever may actually give me the birth I've desired (although I am completely unprepared for!).

Oh and since I mentioned Husband's homebirth apprehension, I should add a tidbit about him. I've been gently informing him of the benefits of natural childbirth, homebirth, minimal medical intervention, non-circumcision, exclusive breastfeeding, etc for years now. I've converted him on many things, but homebirth concerned him and he still felt that a hospital and a doctor's care was the best place to be for birth. The other day he looks at me and says, "Our doctors aren't big on inducing, right?" After assuring him that one big reason I chose them is because they are NOT fans of induction, he said, "Oh good because inducing labor raises the chance of a c-section and the only reason doctors like to do c-sections are because they make a lot more money." Now, this is NOT new information to me, but it is new that Husband is listening to me and not being as blindingly trusting of medical staff.

After telling Husband about the possibility of a homebirth, he expressed some concerns, but I informed him that the doctor on call was exactly the kind of doctor who would induce and would wind up performing a c-section on me because he cares more about the bottom line financially and being in total control of a situation than he is about me or the baby. So he is now not opposed to a homebirth... if this weekend requires it.

And our second baby will be born at home. :-)

40 weeks 1 day

2008-10-31T10:39:00.002-04:00

I am overdue. I am not happy.

I've been having these stupid meaningless contractions for a week now that aren't doing a whole lot other than getting my hopes up.

And I can't give birth this weekend (long story) so either I stay pregnant for another three days or I have the worst birth ever.

Please, God, let this baby come today!

39 weeks 3 days

2008-10-26T17:55:00.002-04:00

In case I forget any details later, I need to write this down. Really more for my benefit than anything else!

I think I am in active labor. I am very nauseous, sick in multiple ways, having a lot of cramps and they have been lasting a lot longer than they were a couple of days ago.

I've been having contractions on and off for days now, but this is the first time it's really lasting and becoming meaningful.

Hopefully this kid isn't just messing with my emotions here!

39 weeks

2008-10-23T11:59:00.003-04:00

So after a crazy week (which included those silly on and off contractions that make me think something is really going down just to stop on their own), I saw the doctor today. After reporting the contractions and the discharge (I think I'm one of those women who lose their mucous plug slowly instead of all at once), he decided to do an internal check. At my practice, they rarely do internals because A) it is uncomfortable and B) you can be 1 cm for a while and it really not mean anything, so why get your hopes up, but my symptoms warranted a check.

Speaking of 1 cm, I am just a little over 1 cm, he said being liberal he'd say 2, but still nothing major. I am thrilled that there is something going on down there though. If I was completely closed, I'd be a little disappointed. I am also slightly effaced. Again, nothing huge, but proof that something is gonna happen.

Tomorrow is Husband's last day of work until January! He decided all on his own to take 2 months off when the baby is born (he is taking the last week of October off as his vacation). He said he wants to get adjusted to having a baby and help me get in the groove of breastfeeding and being a SAH/WAH mom. Yeah, big "awwww" moment for me there :-D Now, if I can convince him to use some of this time off to finish a few projects around the house, we will be in really good shape ;-)

Today I plan to put all the freshly laundered bedding on the crib, put away all his nicely cleaned clothes and get all his stuffed animals set up in their cradle. I also want to get the diapers washed and put away in the stacker. If I have enough time before our childbirth class, I'd like to get the pack and play put up in the living room as well, but we shall see what this evening brings!

Speaking of childbirth class, this will be our second one and my skeptical Husband was very happy to know we have a doula after going through the first class. And when speaking to his one friend who asked about our lamaze class, he said, "We aren't doing lamaze, we are doing HUSBAND involved childbirth." He loves being such an important part of it and actually paid attention the entire time! I was so impressed!

Now, off to complete a few errands before tackling the rest of these projects.

38 weeks 3 days

2008-10-19T12:33:00.003-04:00

I need to be more consistent with the picture taking thing, I may not have many more opportunities.

38 weeks 2 days

2008-10-18T09:02:00.002-04:00

This morning I realized that one way or another this pregnancy isn't going to last much longer.

It's exciting to know my son will be here soon, but it's kind of sad in a way too. Right now, he is all mine. Every movement, every stretch, every wiggle, every hiccup is something only he and I can feel. I don't have to share him with anyone. It's like we live in our own little world where it's just me and my boy.

Once he arrives, that won't be the case. Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled I have a very involved husband who wants to spend tons of time with the baby and who is able to take so much time off work to be with us, but I know that Husband is going to want to be with him a lot and hold him constantly. There won't be that consistent "alone time" for he and I.

So this morning I decided that, instead of getting out of bed and doing one of the ten million things on my to-do list, I would lay there and just enjoy feeling him roll and wiggle. I wanted to just cherish a few quiet moments alone with him.

And now, I am even more anxious to hold him finally.

37 weeks 2 days

2008-10-11T16:18:00.002-04:00

I am term. At any point now, this little guy could be born and his lungs and brain would be well developed and, in all likelihood, have no problems. That is a comfort for someone who has spent her entire 9 months petrified of losing another baby.

I've become one of those frivolous moms. I bought him a Thanksgiving outfit. I can't help it! I went to BRU with the express interest of buying his Christmas present which happened to be on sale this weekend. And I was sucked into the cuteness of the Thanksgiving clothes and I wasn't strong enough to resist.

Tonight is going to consist of finishing the faux finish on the wall in the baby's room. Tomorrow Husband is going to put up the chair rail and my mom and I will hang the gossamer and lights. Hopefully I can even get the floor at least vacuumed so it is ready for the shampooing. Then I can put Husband to work this week assembling the crib and moving the dresser into his room. If all goes well, by next weekend his room should be all done!

Pictures are sure to follow.

36 weeks, 6 days

2008-10-08T06:56:00.002-04:00

Of note:

I hate heartburn
My child loves Brian Setzer Orchestra
We got the blue Bumbo!!
I am GBS negative
I have eaten poorly this week
I have to get weighed tomorrow
I think I may have had a couple of contractions

That is all :-)

36 weeks 3 days

2008-10-05T19:24:00.002-04:00

Remember that 17 lbs above pre pregnancy weight thing? Umm, yeah, not so much. As of last visit I was 13 lbs above pre preg weight.

You must be saying, "But wait, in your last trimester, especially your last month, you are supposed to just gain." Ahh, but I am not your average bear! In one week I lost a pound and the following week I lost 3 more. Upshot of it all? Doctor doesn't care one bit. I'm very thankful I chose a small practice with laid back personnel. And since I feed them most times I come, they love me :-) I'm glad he doesn't care because I was a little concerned even though I'm a firm believer in not holding women to unrealistic guidelines.

I've loved being pregnant. I've loved every minute of it. But I am beginning to understand why women say they are ready. I feel ready for him to come. Not ready in the sense my house is ready. Not ready in the sense that his clothes are ready. Not ready in the sense that I feel like "mom", but ready in the sense that I am physically ready to not be pregnant. I'm ready to hold him, cuddle him, nurse him and love him.

This week has brought about some undesirable pregnancy side effects. I've had more swelling. Only in my feet and only yesterday after being on them all day walking around a festival. I've had heartburn. I've never had heartburn in my life so I actually had to ask someone what heartburn felt like to be sure it is what I was experiencing. This is the first time my doula has asked me how I am and I've replied in the negative.

Yes, I'm very ready.

36 weeks

2008-10-02T17:30:00.002-04:00

If my husband survives this pregnancy, I suggest someone nominate him for sainthood. Our house currently contains 144 rolls of toilet paper, 36 rolls of paper towels, 5 bottles of body wash for myself, 5 bottles of dh's body wash, 25 bars of soap, 10 bottles of hand soap, 21 boxes of tissues, 5 bottles of shampoo for me, 5 bottles of shampoo for dh, 3 cans of shaving creams for me, 3 for dh, dozens of razors and innumerable boxes of easy to prepare food and cans upon cans of tomato sauce, paste and diced tomatoes. No, I am not kidding. Yes, pregnancy is making me neurotic. My mother walked in the house today and surveyed the massive amount of bags scattered around my kitchen floor as I was putting all these items away (the same scene she had just witnessed a couple of weeks ago when I bought a bunch of other "necessities") and just shook her head. She also asked if I was preparing for Armageddon or just going crazy. :-)

The swing we attempted to purchase last weekend finally came in so I was able to pick that up as well as a few choice items from the clearance racks at Babies R Us. The Bumbo, however, has still not arrived. Grrrr. Blasted pink Bumbos are in abundance, not the blue ones!

The baby book obsession is a little out of control. Every time I enter BRU, I have to avoid the left side of the store because I will easily try to buy a hundred dollars worth of books. And this is despite the fact that I already own a million children's books.

Okay, the hospital bags are packed for dh and myself, the car seat and stroller are assembled and in the car. The cradle is all set up in our bedroom. Several of his toys have been assembled and are waiting for him to arrive to play with them. And Grammy even has a bassinet set up at her house for when he is visiting and needs a nap. Daddy took the old pack n' play downstairs for when they are spending "cave time" together.

A few more finished touches in the nursery and we will be ready for our little boy.

Oh and his name is set in stone. Not sure if I ever mentioned that before, but the great name debate of 2008 has been settled and we have a few personalized items to prove it. :-)

35 weeks 2 days

2008-09-27T20:19:00.005-04:00

I should title this one "oh my word, my baby is coming."

I have one month left. One. A singular month until my son is in my arms. Okay, so the technical month time line is still 2 days away, but you get the jist... it's close!

In medical news: At our appointment I got a major commendation from the NP. She said my weight is fantastic (17 lbs above pre preg weight), B/P perfect (100/60) and I look great. She also said she expects me to leave the hospital weighing less than before I got pregnant based on where I am now. I was told Baby A is head down and is dropping. We are now down to weekly OB visits! Yikes!

We spent the day spending a bunch of our gift cards at Babies R' Us. Much to my chagrin, the two main things we wanted were on backorder. We got a rain check for one and the other *should* be in in about two weeks. Ya know, right before my kid is due. I know I don't need it immediately after he's born, but still, I am a "be prepared" kind of chick.

Today I rearranged the bedroom and set up his cradle, put the sheet on and the spiffy blankey made by his Grammy (my mom) so he has at least one place to sleep and it's right next to his Momma. And I was able to arrange it so that our first baby (ya know, the furry one on four legs) won't have to give up the window she so loves to stare out.

I also packed my bag and a bag for dh and I plan to keep both of those in my vehicle as well. The only thing I want to get is some snacks for dh. I don't mind him having snacks there (I know some women do mind) and I would rather pack stuff for him than have him leave to track down food in the cafeteria when I really need him.

Tomorrow the plan is to clean out my vehicle and get the car seat all hooked up. Because, you know, he is coming. In a month.

Dude, I'm gonna be a mom!

35 weeks

2008-09-25T20:33:00.002-04:00

I wanted to update sooner, but things have been NUTS here! Thus my computer time has been severely limited.

In news: I had my shower! It was fantastic! There were a ton of people there and we got so much awesome stuff! I feel so blessed that so many people love Baby A this much already. I also had numerous people BEG for the privilege of babysitting A when he is born. I love being surrounded by such a fantastic, loving, compassionate group of friends and family.

I will be updating my myspace page soon with pics of all our gifts, but the reality is, it will take a while to take pictures of them all because we have some very generous people in our lives.

In making-everyone-want-to-gag-news: I LOVE being pregnant! I love, love, love being pregnant. I have been so fortunate to have a very easy pregnancy and even now, with only a handful of weeks to go, I feel fantastic! At this point, I would happily have 10 kids. I can only hope and pray that my labor, delivery and parenting my son will be as good as my pregnancy has been. I was concerned my lack of "symptomatology" was a bad sign that I would lose this baby as well, but now I believe I am just extremely fortunate to be a woman who is able to handle the hormone influx well, gain the baby weight slowly, carry the baby more on the inside so I have a smaller belly and is just plain happy pregnant! Not only has the conception of this child been an answer to my prayers, this pregnancy has been a miracle that I don't take lightly.

31 weeks, 3 days

2008-08-31T14:29:00.002-04:00

A week of confessions:

I ate tuna fish. I have strictly avoided tuna fish since my pregnancy began and only had been eating it VERY sparingly while we were TTC. I know logically that you're allowed a certain amount of tuna fish, but I prefer to err on the side of caution and just avoid it all. However temptation overtook me this week and I had a 6 inch tuna sub on toasted wheat bread with lettuce, tomatoes, red onions and ground black pepper. It was the best sandwich I've had in a long, long time. Oh, and based on the level of activity after I ate said sandwich, Baby A loves tuna too.
I ate soft cheese. Again, I've avoided it completely (even forsaking my beloved Fuji Apple Chicken Salad at Panera's) during my pregnancy. I've done absolutely everything I could to ensure I have a healthy pregnancy and have shunned all those "naughty" foods. But this week was a bad week and I couldn't resist the sound of the Third Street Salad when we ate at Max & Erma's Friday night. And let me tell you, it tastes even better than it sounds.
My nursery is still undone. Well, we have cleaned it out, we have purchased the paint, the crib, the mattress, the dresser, the bookcase, the gossamer and the chair rail, but it is still unassembled. I keep getting antsy about it and have to calm myself and remember that while eight weeks seems like such a short time, Husband and BIL can get the painting, chair rail and crib assembly done in a day. Probably also hanging the gossamer, cutting and hanging the wood valances in another day. And it will take me all of five minutes to put his bedding on and hang the curtains. So in one weekend we could probably have the nursery done. I just really wish this weekend had been the weekend.

30 weeks 3 days

2008-08-24T15:26:00.003-04:00

Am I nesting? You be the judge.

Husband rented a large dumpster to get rid of the mattress and boxsprings in our future nursery and some other various items. In one day, I have halfway filled said dumpster with various things from our linen closet, laundry room and bedroom. And I don't mean big items, I mean normal stuff, just tons of junk.

I've scrubbed out my refrigerator. From top to bottom, pulled it out and scrubbed behind it as well.

I have my third load of laundry going since 1:00pm.

I had Husband move out the washing machine and dryer so I could vacuum and scrub behind them.

I threw away three bags of clothes.

And it's currently 3:30pm.

Yeah, I think I am firmly entrenched in the nesting phase :-) My OCD Husband loves it!

30 weeks 1 day

2008-08-22T20:33:00.002-04:00

Since it's drawing closer everyday, and since I truly feel comfortable in my pregnancy now, I've been thinking about my birth. A lot.

No, I can't have the exact birth I want because (due to the wonderful laws in my state and the complete medicalization of this area) of things that are beyond my control, but I can take the situation I am in and make the best of it. I dealt with the disappointment of this already and I've accepted it, as much as one can, and I am moving forward.

As I've mentioned before, I have a doula. And, yes, I truly believe she will be the difference between a birth I regret and a birth I can learn to love. She has been so supportive and comforting. She has told me pointedly, "I will do everything in my power to make this birth a positive experience for you." Since she is a friend of mine first and foremost, she has the ability to be blunt with me. There is no need to sugar coat anything. If someone would try to talk me in to a procedure I am not comfortable with, she'd be completely honest with me, remind me of what I want, and tell me to keep my eye on the prize.

Recently, I've been doing a lot of reading. There are some wonderful books which have empowered me. Two I want to highlight are: The Complete Book of Christian Parenting & Child Care by none other than the wonderful Dr. William Sears and his wife Martha, and The Complete Book of Pregnancy and Childbirth by Sheila Kitzinger. Both books have urged me to believe in myself and believe in my body.

Since I lost my baby, well, to be honest, even before that when my body was failing to conceive a child on it's own, I've been angry with my body. It failed me, it failed my first child. I took vitamins, minerals, supplements. I exercised, ate well, lost weight. I did everything by the book and my body couldn't perform the way it should have.

But reading these books, reading the wise words of the authors, I have come to a deeper peace with my body. I realized that right now, it is doing exactly what it should be. It is nourishing my son, it's preparing to feed him once he is here, it is keeping him safe for a few more weeks until he is ready to enter the world.

And, finally, I believe that my body can perform the way it should during labor. I even have confidence in my body that just as it has housed my son for the past 7 months, it will continue to care for him by bringing him into the world in a safe, gentle way.

Best of all, I now have no fear. :-)

29 weeks

2008-08-14T19:32:00.002-04:00

Today was my lovely gestational diabetes check. I was so nervous that my blood pressure was actually up. Not insanely high, but about ten points higher than normal. Enough to get a triple check of my blood pressure.

The glucola wasn't as bad as I had been expecting. Yeah, it was sickeningly sweet, but it was still tolerable for the small amount I had to drink.

As far as my boy, he is wonderful! All measurements are dead on, my weight is perfect, his heart rate is good and he is super active.

Today I also picked up all the paperwork to fill out for his future pediatrician. After talking to a mom who shares my parenting beliefs/style and getting the recommendation for this one particular doctor, I think I am comfortable with using him. Incidentally, he used to attend our church and is the PCP for several friends of mine. He isn't technically a pediatrician, but a family doctor and is very supportive of the way I want to raise my baby.

In two more weeks I am seeing the doctor and giving him the birth plan. Now, just to get it finalized...

27w3d Third Trimester

2008-08-03T16:34:00.002-04:00

Not a whole lot to update on except the fact I have a very active son! He likes to kick Momma and willingly kicks Daddy at least once a day. Daddy refuses to go to sleep (or let Momma sleep) until our little guy has kicked at least once for him to feel.

I made a proclamation at work. I finally let them know I would NOT be returning to the out of home workforce once my boy is here. It wasn't a warm reception to my announcement, but it was necessary. I'm not egotistical enough to think I am irreplaceable, but I know how things work in my office and I know that anyone who comes in would benefit more (as would my boss) from being with me for a few weeks and observing, plus performing my job with me there to help, would be better for both my boss and the new person.

So far Baby A (yep, we have a name and no, I am not going to say it just yet) has had not one but TWO train rides. We rode one at Idlewild park (plus Mr. Rogers' trolley) and then rode another yesterday at the steam show. Daddy is already brainwashing him into loving trains :-)

I feel blessed and I feel content. I can't really complain about this pregnancy because I've had no morning sickness, no heartburn, no major problem just exhausted a lot. I've had a very easy pregnancy with this little guy.

And I just can't wait to meet him.

24 weeks 3 days

2008-07-13T17:10:00.002-04:00

At the onset of this pregnancy, I was praying to make it to six weeks. I've now arrived at six months. I can barely believe it.

Not to sound morbid, but we've reached viability. I have no reason to think that anything will go wrong or that I will have extreme preterm labor, but for someone who has experienced pregnancy loss, knowing I've carried my son long enough he may survive outside the womb means a whole lot.

Only two weeks until I hit my third trimester. The second trimester seemed to last forever, I will be almost as excited to reach my third as I was when I made it out of that scary first trimester.

We may have a name picked out! I don't want to jinx it by actually uttering the name, but we've reached the end of the baby name book and have no better options. The only reason (I recently realized) that Husband disagreed with this particular name choice was because he didn't like one of the two possible nicknames. After I assured him that it is an obscure nickname for this particular name and we don't have to call him that name, he seemed a little more into using this name. Thank God. This has been a painful process.

Tomorrow we are doing our baby registry! I finally have completed my shower invites and have them ordered, so doing the registry and getting the cards from the stores we choose is the final step! I can't believe the shower is only two months away. It kept feeling like it was forever, but now it's just right around the corner!

Since I mentioned preterm labor, I guess I should say now (since my feelings this pregnancy have been pretty dead on) that I have a feeling I am going to have my son a little early. Not much, just a couple of weeks, but I would be very surprised if I made it to 40 weeks. I think the combination of knowing he is a little big plus the dreams I've had have made me feel this way. Either way, I will just be thrilled to hold my little guy finally!

21 weeks, 2 days

2008-06-21T14:07:00.003-04:00

So we had our big ultrasound today. Our little one cooperated and gave us the perfect shot to find out their gender.

First though, the baby is measuring slightly ahead of schedule (about a week for the head, two weeks for arms and legs). The heart is perfect. The baby has all ten fingers and ten toes. The baby already is a thumbsucker (and oh my word do I adore that picture). And everyone has decided that the baby looks like daddy.

Here are the pics!

Here we are stretching:

This is a great profile shot:

And here is the gender shot!

Yep, it's a boy!!! Now the naming disagreement begins ;-)

18 weeks

2008-05-29T17:17:00.002-04:00

Let me just say, there are no doubts what I am feeling now. This little one is MOVING! Oh my word, this is one active little baby. However, just like it is it's father's child because of the movement, it is also it's father's child because it likes it's sleep! I've noticed the baby seems most active in the evening, then winds down around 10 or 11 pm when I'm heading to bed. Thank you for being considerate and not kicking momma in the middle of the night, little one.

Had my third prenatal visit today and we were scheduled for our BIG ultrasound. Yes, that is all in caps because I can not wait to find out what this little wiggleworm is! And Husband and I will need all the time we can get to discuss a boy's name if it is a little boy. Trust me, it's needed.

So the BIG ultrasound is June 21. Unfortunately to get a 3D/4D ultrasound and be able to have my family present (and get a DVD copy of the ultrasound), I have to travel about 45 minutes away to an ultrasound clinic. Since this is my first term baby, I don't mind.

Today's appointment summary: Great heart beat, 133. Uterus measures right on target. And this time I even gained weight! Yeah, it was an issue last time.

17 weeks

2008-05-22T09:53:00.002-04:00

Wow. I'm here.

This week did not go by without event. Event thanks to my clumsiness. I fell. Up the stairs. Yes, you read that right. Hey, anyone can fall DOWN the stairs, it takes a special talent to fall up the stairs. My knee and arm took the brunt of it, but I also did have some belly involvement so off to the ER we went. Thirty minutes later I found myself hooked up to the very interesting contraption known as the non stress monitor.

There were, thankfully, no contractions. And the baby was moving around like crazy with a nice, steady heart rate of 144.

So, basically, all is good. I feel weird saying that because part of me is waiting for something. It seems too good to be true (especially after the lovely comments made to me by my MIL), but it is real. And this baby will be here in about 4 1/2 months! Yay me :-)

Side note: In one week we have our next OB appointment. At that appointment we will be scheduled for our ultrasound. Our BIG ultrasound. Yay!

15 weeks 2 days

2008-05-10T17:15:00.002-04:00

So now I am not "just" in my second trimester, but I am IN my second trimester. Not just barely with my toe over the line, I am standing with both feet firmly planted over that invisble fence of trimester marking.

Only 2 1/2 more weeks until our next appointment where our "big" ultrasound will be scheduled. I am thrilled to be able to find out what the gender of my little one is and really be able to bond better with him or her. I know it sounds silly in some ways but I feel kind of disconnected not being able to speak to the baby with some sort of identity.

I feel occasional flutters. Not much and only when I am completely still and not distracted, but it's nice to feel a reassuring flutter every now and then.

I am so excited to be here and so excited to know my little bean is growing stronger and healthier every day :-)

14 weeks 3 days

2008-05-04T20:14:00.002-04:00

This week brought something truly exciting that is worthy of an update (because before this, to be honest, the only things I could think to say revolved around my never ending awe that I am still pregnant).

We had another OB appointment. This time I was able to meet the other doctor in the practice, an experience I didn't particularly want, but knew was inevitable. Fortunately for me, I have discovered that not just my beloved McDreamy is an awesome doc, but his partner as well. He was very kind, compassionate and understanding of my decision to not have a particular test run on me (even if the assistant was not quite as kind). Although my desire is to have dear ole McDreamy deliver me, I'd be comfortable to have his partner on call when I deliver. And I am even more thankful that I am delivering at a practice with only two doctors and not the five doc conglomerate that most people choose.

Pumpkin is still doing awesome! The doctor was able to find the heartbeat immediately and it was a strong 156. Pumpkin was still being it's usual uncooperative self (clearly Husband's child) and kept flipping all over the place when the doctor was trying to get the heartbeat, but I am completely okay with that. All that moving signals a strong, healthy baby which is all I can ask for.

I've lost eight pounds since my last appointment. The doctor looked at me kind of funny and asked if I've had a lot of morning sickness. He was shocked that I've lost that much in 4 weeks without morning sickness, but since the baby is still active and has a strong heartbeat, he isn't too concerned yet.

I'm officially in my second trimester. Unless something dramatic happens, my next appointment is in 3 1/2 weeks and we will schedule my "big" ultrasound then to find out what exactly my little Pumpkin is. The place they typically use (not the hospital where I've gone for my emergency ultrasounds) offers 3d and 4d ultrasounds, will allow anyone in that you want and send you home with lots of stills and a DVD. I'm excited to go to this place, even though it's farther away, simply for all the amenities it offers.

All I have to say is, "YAY!!!"

Hey, I was tagged!

2008-04-30T22:10:00.002-04:00

Reiza over at The Spaceship tagged me, so here goes!

Original Meme can be found at Dirty Little Secret, but I am going to defy the rules for a moment because I have no clue who to tag, so I'll just post the six random things.

The rules:a. Link to the person who tagged you.b. Post the rules on your blog.c. Write six random things about yourself.d. Tag six random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs.e. Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment at their blog.f. Let your tagger know when your entry is up.

Random Things About Me:

1. Pregnancy has given me very strange, but real dreams. My latest one is assisting in (actually, performing) the delivery of the baby of one of my online friends. She and I caught the baby together. The baby was delivered on my bed of all places while we were waiting for her husband to come over and pick her up. I gotta say, I hope my birth goes as well as hers did in my dream because wow it was an awesome delivery.

2. Having a big family is good in some ways, but bad in others. Like when trying to find a baby name...

3. I really resent people who are slackers. I dislike when people take on a job and then refuse to perform all the duties required of said job. I even more dislike when people push said duties off on me. Can ya tell it's a pet peeve?

4. I am frugal to a fault. I hate spending money. I recently bought $50 worth of maternity and baby clothes (that were a steal) and felt guilty over it for DAYS. Being frugal is what has gotten us to our stable financial situation and is going to give me the ability to stay at home once Pumpkin is born, but it's annoying at times.

5. I want people to think of awesome things to get me, not ask what I want. This is particularly true for dh. He asks what I want every year for Christmas. He asked what I want for Mother's Day. I just want him to go out there and buy something special that HE thought of because he knows me well enough to do that. And I really want my mom to make up a special bag of stuff for me to take to the hospital like a nightgown, socks, music, etc.

6. In case it's not glaringly obvious, my love language is gifts. And yes, I completely believe in the five love languages.

12 weeks, 5 days

2008-04-22T21:32:00.002-04:00

On the cusp of beginning my 13th week and the official start of my second trimester (second trimester??? Me??? Are you serious???) I finally find the time to write a note of the twelfth week. It was a rather eventful week which gives me much to blog about, however robs me of the time to do so. Oh sweet irony.

This week brought another small scare and some slightly bad news. In the overall scheme of things, this is the best kind of bad news to get, but still scared me. I had another incident, went in for another ultrasound.

The good/great/awesome part: I got to see my little Pumpkin and my oh my is it an active one!!! He/she was wiggling all over the place so much the ultrasound technician had a hard time getting the measurements she needed. I heard a strong, wonderful heartbeat. She confirmed what I already knew which is that an active baby is a healthy baby. Pumpkin is measuring right on target and I got two new WONDERFUL ultrasound pictures where it actually looks like a baby this time! The peanut has definitely grown. Oh, the part that made me cry? Pumpkin fliped around and put it's little hand right in front like it was saying, "Hi Momma!" Yeah, I am a sap.

The not so good, but not so bad part: I have some retroplacental bleeding. A very small amount and the majority of it was already clotted. I get to stop one of my pills which is actually good because I don't like taking a lot of medications anyway.

My progesterone suppositories are only once every other day now.

I am blessed. That is all. :-)

11 weeks 2 days

2008-04-12T22:26:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I completely neglected updating on the day of my graduation and then again the day after. My life's been insane, please forgive.

Besides the joy of being so much closer to the end of my first trimester and the next doctor's appointment where we will definitely hear that wonderful heartbeat on the doppler, this week has been momentous for other reasons. I've decreased my progesterone. Now we're down to once a day. In just five short days, it will again go down to every other day.

I feel like I am coming to the other side. I'm coming to peace with my body, even slightly. After losing Lucas, I distrusted and disliked my body. I not only mourned for the child that I lost, but for the fact my body was not competent enough to provide safety and support to my child. I faced the reality that I let my own child down by not providing it with the hormone balance it needed to survive.

But this time, with some medical help, I've done better. I've kept this child safe and protected thus far. And I am planning the entrace to the world this child deserves.

We're getting closer, folks. One and a half weeks to go until we reach the second trimester officially. And hopefully some movement.

10 weeks

2008-04-04T20:13:00.002-04:00

Technically 1ow1d because I stink and didn't update yesterday. Yes, you may beat me later for that.

I know I say this every week, but I can hardly believe I'm here! I've come into the double digits of pregnancy! It seems surreal that in less than a week I will be able to hear my baby's heartbeat with a doppler (if I had a doppler to use, that is).

The whole lack of everything bad you hear about the first trimester (pain, morning sickness, mood swings, etc) makes it still hard to believe I am truly pregnant. I do cry a lot and I am exhausted all the time, but nothing near the horror stories so many people portray. I feel fortunate, but it still feels as if it's happening to someone else and not me.

Our first OB appointment was this week. It went wonderfully from my standpoint. The doctor did not get the heartbeat on the doppler, but I was prepared for that since it is so early. Otherwise, my uterus measures on schedule, my pelvis measures a good size for passing a baby and all my bloodwork and urinalysis is awesome. Even cynical Husband liked Dr. McDreamy.

Only 4 more weeks until the next appointment where I get to hear that wonderful little heartbeat!

One whole year

2008-03-30T20:06:00.003-04:00

Anyone else noticed that the majority of my posts recently have been comprised of various time formats? Eh, maybe it's just me.

A little more than a year ago my nephew, my godson was born. He's been the joy of my life since the day he was born and absolutely adores his Auntie and Uncle. He actually prefers us to some of his blood family (not that I can blame him). Even through the miscarriage, he healed me in a way that no one else could with nothing more than a goofy grin and contagious laugh.

C, I adore you. I love you. You are a sweet, bright, amazing little boy. You have been so wanted by so many people in your life and we are just thrilled you are here. I can not wait to see where you go, what paths you take and how you grow and learn as you get older. You are a joy to have around sweetheart. Love Always, Auntie Krissy.

9 weeks

2008-03-27T20:24:00.002-04:00

I can hardly believe I'm typing that.

I don't feel I belong here. I post on my DIO board and on another pregnancy board, but I feel disconnected. I can't be a joyful, happy expectant mother. Too much has happened. Too much pain led me here.

I think my appointment Monday will do much in calming me. The almost complete lack of morning sickness has really messed with my head. As soon as we get that beautiful little heartbeat on the doppler, I'll breath a big sigh of relief. I don't know that I'll be able to completely relax, but I know I'll feel so much better.

My goal for the next few days is to write down the questions I want to ask at my appointment. I am terrible at remembering (especially now) things like that and this is extremely important. I also want to write a reminder to myself to discuss delivery with the doctor, specifically the fact that I want him to deliver my baby. Not his partner. Not some random doc on call. Him. My Dr. McDreamy. :-)

I gotta say, seeing that ultrasound (which I admit to looking at everyday) does help the disconnected feeling. Looking at that has made me fall so deeply in love with Peanut.

Eight weeks

2008-03-21T17:33:00.002-04:00

Technically eight weeks and one day since I was too tired to update yesterday.

Wow. I've made it to eight weeks.

Every day feels like a step higher on a ladder, and every weeks feels like I've reached the top of Mount Everest. I know it seems like such a small accomplishment, but I truly feel like each week is a huge event. I was scared I wouldn't make it to the point where I lost my baby last time and here I am almost twice as far into my pregnancy.

We received the ultrasound images this week. I cried as soon as I opened it and realized that was my baby. The road to get here has been so hard and so long. I've cried so many tears and suffered so much heartache that I can barely believe it's actually happened.

Even typing this I'm crying because I feel so blessed to have this opportunity even though I probably don't deserve it.

Oh and this can not go without mentioning: A major milestone has been reached. In medical terminology, I no longer am carrying an embryo, but a fetus. Hey, it's the little things that make me happy :-)

7 weeks

2008-03-13T20:02:00.002-04:00

Brought a scare.

More pain, this time very AF like cramping. Some slight pink spotting. And I do mean slight. Slight enough most people would dismiss it, but present enough to scare me into remembering the last time I saw pink spotting followed shortly by red blood and the loss of my baby.

After a frantic phone call to an understanding doctor, I found myself on my back in a dark ultrasound room at the hospital having both an external and internal ultrasound. The external ultrasound brought no comment or facial expression from my ultrasound tech.

My internal ultrasound brought the most amazing sound I've ever heard: my baby's heartbeat. When it began I looked over at her and said, "Is..." to which she smiled, nodded and said, "The heartbeat." She then called my doctor had a quick phone conference with him and then let me know I am measuring perfectly on schedule and the baby has a good, strong heartbeat.

I've never been this happy. I've never felt the need to cry this much. I am so much in love right now I can not even attempt to form words to describe the overflowing joy in my heart.

I'm pregnant. I finally believe it. I am finally excited about it.

Pain and Nightmares

2008-03-08T10:18:00.002-05:00

Yesterday at work I had some sharp lower abdominal pain. No spotting, thankfully, but the pain was enough to concern me. A call to my doula (who was thankfully at a midwife meeting and could pull from their experiences) confirmed my suspicions that it was probably just round ligament pain, i.e. sharp occasional pain in the lower abdomen on one side.

That scare, however, gave me a nightmare. I dreamt that I was bleeding heavily and actually saw a small piece of tissue discharge that looked exactly like the magnified image of the baby's current progress in my ticker. I knew in that instant that I had lost my baby.

It was enough to make me bolt out of bed, run to the bathroom and check for spotting. Again, there was no spotting and I was relieved by that, but still disturbed by that nightmare.

The upside of it all is that with dreams still this vivid, I think my pregnancy is pretty secure.

I'm 6w2d. Only 2 weeks to go.

Six Weeks

2008-03-06T21:53:00.004-05:00

No picture this time, nothing's really changed.

I am getting concerned that I have zero morning sickness. I was a little nauseated when I was at the grocery store shopping today, but as soon as I ate something, it went away.

Still have tender boobs, a hard belly and I'm completely exhausted so I'm assuming that's all still good. The best part is: NO SPOTTING! Yes, that does deserve all caps because it is soooo stinking exciting.

If I never get morning sickness then I am just going to assume that I am incredibly blessed with a pleasant pregnancy and be thankful for it.

Right now, I'm just happy to be six weeks. I'm happy I've beaten my previous pregnancy milestone. I am happy to have another chance to be a mom.

Now please excuse me while I do my nightly embryo bedtime story. Yes, I am that weird.

FTR: A gender poll will be finding it's way into creation in about a month. If you want to participate, email me your info and you'll be on my poll mailing list.

en·joy –verb (used with object) 1. to experience with joy; take pleasure in:

2008-03-01T18:37:00.003-05:00

I am trying so hard to enjoy this pregnancy. I want to keep every moment in my memory bank to treasure. I just want to sit back and relax and bask in the glow of early pregnancy. The glow you are in before the morning sickness hits you like a ton of bricks and before you weigh 10,000 pounds.

But I can't. I have faced the pain of miscarriage and, while I feel like I've dealt well with it emotionally, part of me can not be that happy, carefree pregnant woman.

I already deeply love this child. I have already bonded with it, but I feel like I am holding a part of myself back because I am so scared of losing my baby again.

I'm already a week farther than I was last time and I've had no spotting even though it is a possible side effect of doing the progesterone suppositories. My breath still catches every time I go to the bathroom, afraid of what the TP will reveal. But I am so happy to report it is always a nice stark white.

I know I won't spend my whole pregnancy this way, but I want to enjoy every moment, not just the end when I'm "safe". I don't know when it will get better, but I am believing I will be able to breathe soon.

Five weeks

2008-02-28T15:06:00.003-05:00

So this is what five weeks feels like. I think I like it :-)

I really have no symptoms. I get slightly nauseated if I don't eat for a long period of time (like 6 hours), but no morning sickness yet. The only thing I really notice is the complete and total exhaustion. I am tired all the time and can't ever feel rested enough. I also have some dreams, not good or bad, just weird and very, very vivid..

Tomorrow's the big day

2008-02-22T13:08:00.003-05:00

I opted to stay home from work sick today. I was sick all last night (which I just found out could be a side effects of the progesterone) and just couldn't bring myself to go to work today. Normally, I would go to work no matter what. I have been known to go to work after spending the entire night throwing up and running to the toilet for other reasons, but things are different this time, I have to think about the fact I am pregnant. It's not just my body anymore, it's an incubator, a sanctuary, a green house if you will for the next 35w6d.

And tomorrow is the big day. If I can make it through tomorrow with a dark HPT (still getting dark HPTs with less sensitive tests, woohoo) and no spotting, I will be farther along than I was last time. When I had my miscarriage, I began spotting at 15dpo and didn't get any dark positive HPTs.

I feel more positive about this pregnancy. I feel more comfortable with it. I think I am going to make it :-D

Only getting better

2008-02-21T09:45:00.002-05:00

My doctor didn't order a beta, so I decided to self-monitor my betas with HPTs. And I have not been disappointed. I never had this dark of a line with my last pregnancy, they actually only got lighter. I think this bean is gonna stick around for a while.

I'm now 4 weeks pregnant. What will become my child is now considered an embryo.

Husband leaned over to me last night and whispered, "I am starting to get excited." I have to agree with those sentiments.

Okay, I believe it.

2008-02-18T14:01:00.002-05:00

I am pregnant. I am cautiously happy right now. A call to the doctor's office yielded... nothing. I explained to the unfriendly receptionist that Dr. McDreamy thought I had a low progesterone issue and, thus put me on Clomid. I went on to explain that I just got a positive home pregnancy test and because of a questionable low progesterone issue, I was wondering if he'd want to check my progesterone.

She informed me that he is out of the office for the afternoon and would not be getting back to me until tomorrow afternoon when he returned.

My question (which I didn't bother mentioning to the unfriendly one): If a patient who has had a history of a miscarriage and possibly has low progesterone calls stating she has a positive pregnancy test, wouldn't you try to get some info on this sooner than the next afternoon???

Irregardless of her, I am much calmer in this pregnancy. I feel more secure in it. The fact my HPTs are getting darker is adding to this newfound confidence.

Here is to a confortable, happy 36 weeks of pregnancy.

I think...

2008-02-17T20:23:00.001-05:00

I am pregnant.

I think the test is positive.

I think I am excited.

I think I am scared out of my mind.

Friday Five - Late again!

2008-02-16T13:03:00.003-05:00

1. Do you ever wonder if the way you see things visually aren't how other people see them?
I know I see people (sometimes even visually) much different than most people. I think that I sometimes find beauty in things most people find weird.

2. What kind of sounds are the most annoying?
Clicking teeth, smacking lips, open-mouthed gum chewing

3. When walking through a store, do you shop with your hands by touching/feeling the texture of things?
Having a grandmother who was blind my entire life and working in the field I do, I tend to rely on touch a lot. And I refuse to buy any blanket that is not pleasing both aesthetically and to feel.

4. If you could only smell three scents for the rest of your life, what would they be?
Clean linen, Husband's cologne, babies

5. What sorts of things do you savor when eating them?
Cheesecake and good, expensive chocolate

I've become rather chatty lately

2008-02-10T20:15:00.000-05:00

Considering the fact I've only made five posts this entire year (and we're halfway into February), but I feel the need to blog.

It just sucks that I am not pregnant. And it sucks that I have the label of being under infertility treatment.

I know, I will appreciate my kids more than people who easily get pregnant, but I really am having a hard time dealing with that right now.

All I keep thinking is, "This freaking sucks!!!"

Friday Five, a day late

2008-02-09T21:27:00.000-05:00

1. Do you consider yourself to be a good housekeeper? Why or why not?
Yeah, I think so. My house is pretty much always presentable. Not spotless, but presentable.

2. Are there any household chores that you enjoy doing? If so, what and why?
I love to vacuum. I feel like I am really accomplishing something and I love the way my living room looks when I am done.

3. Which household chore frustrates/angers you the most?
Laundry. I hate, hate, hate laundry.

4. When doing household chores, what do you do to make them seem less of a "chore"?
Play music and dance. I love dancing!

5. Which chore do you find yourself doing most often, and why?
Laundry and vacuuming. Laundry... well I don't know why I am always doing laundry, there is only Husband and I in the house. And vacuuming is thanks to the lovely little furbaby that graces our home (and sheds like a maniac).

Roller Coaster Time Again!!

2008-02-07T15:20:00.000-05:00

So I've had my fourth failed cycle since I lost Lucas, but it finally brought forth a diagnosis.

My miscarriage in conjunction with my charts (the low temps, so-so thermal shifts and short LPs) points to a low progesterone issue. I'm not happy to know there is something wrong with me (okay, we all knew there is more than one thing wrong with me ;) ), but I am thrilled to know that there is action being taken.

I felt helpless when I laid on the couch bleeding, losing my son. I knew I was losing him, but I couldn't do anything to stop it. I sobbed uncontrollably and began to hate myself for failing so miserably.

I know this may not be the complete answer. I know there will be some nerve-wracking times to come. I know this may not be the magical solution, but it's hope. It's a step in the right direction and it's giving me a reason to try to trust my body again.

So with a renewed hope, I took 50mg of Clomid on cycle days 3 - 7 and am now feeling the severe tell-tale ovulation pains. And when I say pain I mean PAIN. Holy cow I feel like my right ovary is going to pop out of my body. And that left one is twinging as well. Don't care, just give me a baby for it. :-D

I am getting so angry right now

2008-01-12T14:27:00.001-05:00

For once, this has nothing to do with TTC.

I am getting sick and tired of having "Welcome" tattooed across my body. I am tired of going out of my way, of asking my friends to do favors for me, of working my butt off for other people and then having them completely disregard me.

I am tired of causing fights between me and Husband because his friend is mad at him for calling in said favor. I am tired of people making rash decisions based on emotion rather than thinking carefully about what they is really best for them.

And really, if this person would think about it, they would realize that the person they think just loves and adores them may be a big, fat liar whereas I have their best interest at heart.

Or, at least, I used to. If they value their future so little, then I won't bother stressing myself out for them.

The numbers are in

2008-01-07T21:54:00.000-05:00

When I lost Lucas, I didn't even think to ask the doctor what my beta number was. I was in too much pain to think of anything lucid.

I finally got around to getting a copy of my bloodwork and saw the number:

6.2

A 5.5 beta is considered positive, but that low of a beta combined with the heavy bleeding was just a definite miscarriage.

But knowing the number gives me some sense of peace, some sense of closure.

I feel better seeing the number because it is further physical proof that Lucas was real. I've known it all along, but now I have definitive medical proof to show Husband when he becomes belligerent.

In the next 366 days I plan to...

2007-12-31T13:04:00.000-05:00

Have a baby (like that one wasn't obvious)

Continue my education in two areas

Go in to business with a friend of mine

Get a bigger house (via an addition on to our current home, not planning on moving)

Rediscover me. I've been lost somewhere along the way

Strengthen my faith. Losing Lucas hurt my faith, big time.

Nothing to do with babies, nothing to do with Husband, nothing to do with me

2007-12-29T18:48:00.000-05:00

But I just read this and loved it and had to share it somewhere:

a certain sadness
touches me
in thoughts too deep to share
not that you never loved me
but that I cease to care

Silence is not always golden

2007-12-09T22:03:00.000-05:00

My life, it has been a little insane lately.

I love the holiday season, but it makes for a crazy time.

The benefit is I was able to keep my mind off of my cycle, I have been able to keep from spending every single day crying over Lucas (I have found that my down time, my quiet time is when I miss him most) and it's been rewarding:

1. My first cycle after my miscarriage I ovulated, before I even had my first AF after my miscarriage. I had read conflicting reports as to whether I would or not.

2. I ovulated on schedule. Again, I had read conflicting reports on this, some stating I may ovulate as many as two weeks later than normal.

3. I had a GREAT ovulation. I think it is due to the new supplements I was taking this cycle, but regardless, I was thrilled about that.

4. My luteal phase was better than ever. They had previously met the bare minimum to be acceptable, but this time around it was a very resepctable 13 day LP.

So now I am finishing up my first post - miscarriage AF. I am officially clear to start TTC again (shhh don't tell anyone, but I never really stopped). I hope and pray that encouraging words I've heard from women who have been through this loss before are true. I hope my body is at it's best now that it's been pregnant once and it will "remember" what it is supposed to do.

I don't mean this to say I am just moving past Lucas. His loss is still so real to me. Seeing pregnant women still rips my heart out because I can't help but think that it should be me. But doing this, actively trying again, is something I need to do. I love him with all my heart, but in order to keep from becoming a useless ball of mush.

"There is no foot so small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

2007-11-11T14:36:00.000-05:00

I am doing so much better than I was on Thursday. I had to tell a bunch of people today that I hadn't told yet. That was sooo hard.

Last night I had the opportunity to talk to a friend of mine whom I haven't spoken with in months. She has had several miscarriages and was a great source of information for me. She validated my feelings and even agreed with me about naming the baby and buying something in his memory.

I told her that I have dealt with the pain and disappointment of losing Lucas, but what has been bothering me the most is the fact that no one else will remember him. In ten years probably none of my friends will remember that I had a miscarriage, but I will always mourn my baby. No one will remember the life that wasn't even given a chance.

It saddens me so much that the only heart that grieves for him is mine, the only tears that are cried for him are mine, the only one who mourns what he may have contributed to the world is me.

He deserves more. I feel like I should take out a full-page ad in the paper saying, "The world lost the promise of a new life. You may have never known him, but he had an impact on someone and he will be missed. He may have never taken a breath but he was deeply loved and at least one person will always mourn his loss."

I'm doing better, but I still miss my baby. I don't cry every day, but my heart still mourns. I am coping, but I will never be "over it".

No, no, no

2007-11-10T09:22:00.001-05:00

I feel like I want to run around the room, jump up and down on the couch and scream, "No, no, no!!! No, you don't know!"

I received an email from a friend saying how sorry she was that I lost my baby (I've decided to name him and his name is Lucas). At the end of the email she said, "I know how you feel, the pain of not getting pregnant for several months when I was TTC was unbearable."

No!! No you do NOT know how I feel! I have dealt with the pain of not getting pregnant for months and months. I know what that pain is like it is NOT the same thing. You have not had a miscarriage, you do NOT know how I feel.

Do not minimalize my pain. I lost my child. I understand this child was just a vague future possibility to you, but he was real to me. I fell in love with him the moment I knew he was inside of me. There was not a moment that went by that I didn't love him more than I have ever loved another human being. And when I knew I was losing him and there was nothing I could do to stop it I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my chest.

So, please, do NOT tell me that you know how I feel. There is no possible way you know how I feel right now.

Sometimes tears aren't enough

2007-11-08T15:32:00.000-05:00

I can't adequately verbalize my feelings right now, it just hurts too much.

I was pregnant. Four weeks and three days pregnant.

I lost my baby today. I didn't get a chance to hold him, to feel him move inside of me, to hear his cry, to hear his laughter, to see him smile or smother him in kisses. I lost him before he became real to anyone except for me.

How do I say goodbye ... when I didn't get to say hello?

I want so bad to keep you ... how do I let you go?

I have so many dreams, so much love I want to share

There's nothing I can do ...why is life unfair?

You're my perfect angel...I dreamed you long ago

I never got to hold you but it breaks my heart to let you go

The pain and confusion I feel inside

I can not explain...I can not describe

God will rock you in your cradle and watch you as you sleep

I will love you in my heart ... it's all I get to keep

you are blessed my child ... you're in heaven up above

You'll never be alone...you have Mommy & Daddy's love

Hush my little baby...you need not ever cry

You were always wanted! I wish you didn't die

You'll be my sunshine in the daylight and the brightest star at night

Reach for God's hand and go to the light

I would rather endure the pain of losing you right now

Then the thought of you suffering thru life...we'll get thru somehow

I was blessed to have you briefly...even though I have to let you go

I wish I knew the reason but I guess I'll never know

I thought this would never happen

2007-10-25T12:55:00.000-04:00

Husband is actually thankful for a BD break!!

To be completely honest, we both have pretty high sex drives, so TTC usually hasn't been too much of an issue for us, but I think this cycle has taken it's toll on him. He said to me Tuesday night, "Do we have to BD tonight?" That was my first clue he was getting worn out. I had a feeling I had already Oed, but I told him I wanted one more day in just to be sure.

Luckily for him, I have had a nice, clear thermal shift so I am sure I Oed and he can get a break, poor guy.

Never thought I'd see the day when Husband was pleading for abstinence ;-)

Sometimes things just suck

2007-10-14T13:14:00.000-04:00

I don't really even know where to begin with this because I don't really know where I am with this.

Before I was even born, before I was even a thought in the mind's of either of my parents, before my parents even met, my father and his family had some issues. I won't even get in to all of the issues (to be honest, the "issues" seem to depend on which family member you talk to), but suffice it to say, it left some major rifts within the family. As time progressed, some things seemed to get slightly better, meaning people actually started talking to each other again. By the time I came along, there was something resembling a truce amongst some of them.

As tends to happen, more drama ensued (again, the actual drama depends on who you talk to) and there was more cessation of familial relationships. Put simply, a lot of my family was kept out of my life some by their own choice, some because the choice was made for them.

Now, I am losing a member of my family that I don't even know. As the prospect of mourning the loss of his life because more real by the day, I can't help but mourn the lost relationship I was not allowed to have with him because my dad was angry at other family members. I am saddened by the fact that, in my mid-twenties, there are innumerable members of my family I have never even met. When I was younger, I didn't even know they existed. The loss of this family member has reignited the mourning I have for the entire family I have never gotten a chance to really know.

When I lost my grandmother two years ago, I remember thinking, "I have no grandparents left". That isn't true. I have another grandmother and a step-grandfather. I have a grandfather and a step-grandmother. One set of them dislike and distrust me because I am my father's daughter and the hurt he inflicted has never left them. The other set got a false impression of me while I was losing my dad and after he passed. Even though I have two sets of grandparents that physically exist, I don't feel like they are real to me and I am so envious of my cousins who get to have the reality of them in their lives.

Yes, I am hormonal. The whole miscarriage thing is bothering me. Hearing that the loss of this amazing person that I've never had the privilege to meet is on the horizon has made that even worse.

Not too much cheer around this blog lately. Feel free to find a place more fun to visit.

Proclamation

2007-10-11T15:48:00.001-04:00

I finally feel comfortable talking about this: I sought medical intervention.

Let me say, if I had my choice, I would have a midwife to care for me in the preconception, pregnancy and delivery of my child, but that isn't a feasible option for me. I'd love to give birth in one of the comforting rooms of the local birthing center, but since local to me is an hour an a half away... it isn't a good option for me.

So, heeding the advice of my doula, I went to the most AP/natural birthing friendly doctor in this area. I know, I know, seeing the words natural birth and doctor are usually polar opposites, but I have to sing the praises of this particular doctor. I have heard horror stories of OB/GYNs staring at women as though they are from another planet when they begin discussing charts, luteal phases, cervical mucus and basal body temperatures so I was very wary walking in there. In fact, as I opened the door to his office, I was shaking because I was so nervous.

For the sake of anonymity, I shall refer to him as Dr. D because my creativity has run dry at this particular point.

When he walked in (and he knocked first!), he shook my hand, introduced himself and said, "Usually the schedule gives me some clue as to why my patients are here, but they didn't give me too much insight for you, so I'll let you tell me what's going on." Very cool, very laid back. I take note of certain things where physicians are concerned and these are the things that stood out to me:

He never, ever interrupted me. Not once.
He made sure things were on my level. Now, I am a tech so he could speak to me medically and I would be cool with that, but he made sure to not speak too "doctorly" in an attempt to make the patient feel stupid as so many docs do.
He looked me in the eye. The. Entire. Time.
He wrote down everything I was saying.
He was familiar with NFP, charting and even was familiar with Fertility Friend.
He asked to see my charts, he was VERY interested in them and knowledgable about them.
When the subject of nursing came up, he said, "It sounds like you plan to be a breastfeeding mama. That is great!"
He spent an uninterrupted 30minutes (at least, 30, maybe more) talking to me, getting to know me.
He warmed the speculum!!!

At this point, it appears there are two possibilities: A) Husband has a low sperm count, or B) I have insufficient ovulations (I ovulate, but do not produce quality eggs). Also, because of my short LPs (what he is basing the possible insufficient ovulations on), I am at a higher risk of miscarriage, so he wants me to begin baby aspirin as soon I conceive and to be monitored closely through the first trimester.

Disclaimer: I am not Lil Miss Super Duper OB Fan, I do not think all doctors are gods, but I do think I found the exception to the rule. And I am thrilled right now.

Just need to vent

2007-10-07T22:25:00.000-04:00

Hasty Disclaimer: If you are pregnant and reading this, please don't take offense. I am ranting and venting from a place of deep hurt and pain. This isn't directed at anyone and I do not fault anyone who has tried for a baby their joy of pregnancy and, in fact, I usually will rejoice with you. However I need to vent this, I need to release.

I am so freaking sick of seeing pregnant women! Absolutely everywhere I go I see someone who is pregnant and it rips my heart out.

My SIL recently told me her seventeen year old brother got his girlfriend pregnant at the same time SIL was going through IVF treatments to have Peanut. His girlfriend had an abortion. I am not going to get into the pro-life/pro-choice debate, but I just want to scream, "I want a baby!!! How can they get pregnant so freaking easily, when I've been hoping, praying and dreaming of a baby! It is NOT fair that she got knocked up in the backseat of some crappy sedan with a kid she didn't want and I can't get the baby I want more than anything!!"

Last night I fell asleep in Husband's arms, sobbing because I was spotting. And that just meant to me that another month was gone. Another cycle my body didn't do what it was supposed to do and get pregnant.

I am beginning to dislike my body. Innumerable other women on this planet do not have this problem. They say, "I think I'll get pregnant" and boom, it happens. I am in the end stages of my 11th cycle since I stopped using birth control. We've been actively trying since May, but we haven't used any form of birth control since December 31st, 2006.

Now, I shall end this disjointed, nonsensical sounding post and cry myself to sleep again because it just seems like the evitable end of my day since my spotting has resumed.

All Signs Point To No

2007-10-07T08:17:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, my temp dropped.

Yesterday, I got a BFN.

Yesterday, I spotted a little after Husband and I DTD.

So why am I planning to test today? Why am I this glutton for punishment? I reason away the logical conclusion that I am not pregnant like this:

"My temp was back up a little today."

"The test was a +/- test, those are notoriously unreliable!"

"The spotting only occured after DTD and has gone away now. No sex for Husband!!"

I am normally such a common sense type gal, why can't I just see the big, glaring, green neon sign in front of me that says, "You are NOT pregnant"?

Yes, I suck

2007-10-03T19:02:00.000-04:00

I know, I need to update this more, but my life is just plain crazy right now. If you know me well enough, you probably know about everything that is going on. If not, email me, I will gladly fill you in. :-)

Well, I finally did it. I told several people that I know well that Husband and I are trying to conceive.

I had intended to keep this to myself (and actually the pregnancy as well), but I can't. I can't because I need support. I need people that love me to be concerned for me. I need people to pray that I get pregnant. I need to be able to call someone crying because yet another cycle has failed. I need people who are there for me. Fortunately, the particular people I chose to tell have all taken an oath that whatever said at our group, stays within the group. Many secrets have been whispered within those four walls and each has been kept in the strictest of confidences.

I am blessed to know them and feel a little bit better knowing they are concerned for me and there for me. Because, let's face it, as much as Husband loves me, he does not understand why I am devastated at the end of each cycle. It is something I definitely need the support of women for.

Oh my word!

2007-09-26T23:55:00.000-04:00

By all appearances, I've ovulated already!

I can't be entirely certain as I haven't had my third consecutive high temp, but by the looks of my chart, it seems entirely possible. I'm also avoiding the OPKs this cycle. They stressed me out far more than my temps alone did, so I am taking a break from them.

Thank goodness I went with gut feeling rather than my BD plan in regards to DTD. I had no intentions of DTD on Sunday because I usually O on CD14 and wanted to wait until CD12 to DTD, giving the sperm plenty of time to build back up. But, after six years of marriage, dh knows the right buttons to push and well... my good intentions went right out the window!!

So far, this is the most relaxed cycle I've had. Perhaps I'm too busy in every other area of my life to properly obsess, but, at least for now, I am being much better about staying laid back and stress-free.

Sticking things in certain areas gets me excited.

2007-09-17T21:22:00.000-04:00

Basically because I am weird.

This cycle I've decided to begin temping vaginally. After receiving some great advice from one board I frequent, and being advised to wait until after AF to begin temping vaginally (good thing too because the thought of temping vaginally while on AF skeeved me out), I'll start tomorrow.

Proactively doing something different - doing something better if you will - has given me a glimpse of hope. I just pray it carries me through this cycle.

Been silent, been depressed

2007-09-16T14:13:00.000-04:00

Gotta say, I've tried so hard to not get in to that angry/depressive mind set when yet another cycle ended in a BFN and the eventual emergence of AF, but it hasn't quite worked.

My heart is aching for a baby. I feel silly because it's like I am missing, almost grieving, for someone who doesn't exist.

Song lyrics make me burst in to tears at random. Movies and TV shows have me misty-eyed constantly. The few friends who know we are TTC and approach me asking how things are going are met with an overly emotional Krissy, something they have never seen before.

I try to keep my faith strong and continue to believe that God has a plan for me and would not have given me this deep love and desire for a child if he didn't have one planned for me, whether my biological child or adopted child. I am trying to stay upbeat, to remain positive, hopeful, all those flowery adjectives that are so easy to use in platitudes, but I must be honest and say my heart aches right now.

I so admire and respect the women who struggle for years with infertility. I have been going through months, more months than I told anyone about, of negative tests and heart wrenching AF arrivals and it's so emotionally draining. I can't imagine how difficult years of compounding frustration must be.

Hi, my name is Krissy and I'm a shopaholic

2007-09-08T09:13:00.000-04:00

But I always get things super, super cheap, does that still make me bad?

What's prompting this post is that I am making my biggest baby-related purchase today. I know it is supposed to be "bad luck" to buy baby stuff before the baby is born and especially before you even have a positive HPT, but there were extenuating circumstances with this one.

Thursday I, for whatever reason, decided to stop at the consignment store near my house. When I walked in, I immediately went to a stroller/car seat travel system sitting out in the middle of the room. It is this type in a different pattern (but, thankfully, a very gender neutral pattern), it is brand new, still has the box with it, all tags still on it and it was originally purchased from Babies R Us (and yes, there is a quality difference in items purchased from cheaper stores).

On the BRU website, this particular item retails for $229. And I am paying? A whopping $40.

So really, for that price, I couldn't leave this great find there. Once we are blessed with a little one (please, God, let it be this cycle), we will have one major purchase already taken care of.

And yes, I have been buying baby clothes, but ONLY on super sale (i.e. gender neutral jeans for fifty cents). Oh and maybe some maternity items (for a dollar or two a piece).

Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm obsessed.

I love my doula

2007-09-03T14:26:00.000-04:00

I've had a hard time dealing with the fact it's not entirely feasible for me to deliver under my ideal settings (a birthing center). And that's because I live in such a backwards area. The few AP people I have found around here agree that this area is extremely ignorant of the AP lifestyle. I actually was having a conversation with someone where I mentioned co-sleeping and actually had a mother of six look at me and say, "What's that?" Even those in LLL in this area are mainstream (especially by LLL standards).

Add that to the fact homebirths are illegal, midwives who will practice homebirths are few and far between (and all far from me), my choices are limited to getting a doctor locally who is as AP-friendly as possible or a midwife center that is 1hr 30min away. I am scared of having a hospital birth. It's not what I want. But the 1hr 30 min commute (and this is under the assumption there is no traffic whatsoever. In Pittsburgh. Bwahahaha) to the midwife center scares me as well.

My doula has been a great comfort with this. She's promised to be my advocate and support during labor (and enabling and encouraging Husband to stand up when he needs to) to give me the labor that is closest to my desired labor as is possible in a hospital setting. She's even willing to go to any prenatal visits if Husband can't attend due to work (which is very possible in the end when visits are weekly).

If I needed another reason to absolutely adore her, I found out this week she makes slings. As soon as I saw her with the one she was giving to a mother in our church, she said, "Don't worry, I'm already planning to make one for you."

I *heart* my doula

Dates and thoughts

2007-08-31T08:05:00.000-04:00

I know that if I get pregnant this month (and please, God, let it be so!), I would be due in May. I love that because my birthday is in May. I love Emeralds, so my Mother's ring (or necklace or whatever) will have at least one stone in it I love.

I figured I'd play around with due dates and went to one of the websites that calculates it for you. Well, it calculates it based on your LMP, however I'm ovulating later this month than I normally do, so the date of conception is wrong. Based on the dates they gave me, I added the missing days to it (I'm Oing today) and came up with some interesting dates:

My EDD would be May 25, 2008. My birthday.

The end of my first trimester would be November 9, 2007. My dad's birthday.

I really need to get off of here and start cleaning, but I had to point that out. Even if it's only to myself.

The Husband, he's funny

2007-08-30T18:19:00.000-04:00

A while ago, he came home with a piece from the paper (the Dear Abby section, I have no clue why he was reading that particular section) about breastfeeding and said, "Thought you'd be interested in this." Kinda surprised me because it was tough to convince him, initially, of the benefits of exclusive breastfeeding. He really wanted to be able to feed the baby, but I showed him all the data and also told him that since I'd be solely in charge of feedings for the first year or so, we could make bath time "Daddy time". 100% bonding between Dad & baby, no interference from Mom.

Today he came home with two additional articles. Neither provided me with any new info, but was totally new for him. The first was about teaching infants sign language and he said, "Do you think we should do this?" I smiled and said, "We were going to."

The second article was about living diaper-free. He said, "I'm shocked you don't want to do this." I explained to him that I did, but with as difficult as the concept of cloth diapers was for him to handle, I figured being diaper-free would be too much for him to handle. I've learned to pick my battles and, even though I'd like to at least attempt it, I don't feel so passionate about this that I would fight for it like I do about exclusive bfing, not circing and selective vaccination. He shrugged and said, "Well, it sounds interesting." Coming from Husband, that's darn near a ringng endorsement!

I gotta say, I *heart* the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette for these articles. I think the husband may be becoming crunchy :-D

Lines excite me

2007-08-26T12:57:00.000-04:00

Even the ones on the OPKs. Even when the test line is veeery, veeery faint which means it's negative.

I can't exactly explain how I feel about positive HPTs since... well... I haven't experienced that yet, but getting a positive OPK makes me downright giddy.

First of all, I am happy because I know my body is doing something right. I'm having some serious body issues right now (after a lifetime of hating my body, losing weight made me like and appreciate it for the first time. Not getting pregnant within the first three cycles is making me dislike my body again), so any consolation that it is doing something right is a good thing. Secondly, I know I have the hope of pregnancy, knowing we've timed our BD right, knowing I've followed all the leads my body has given me.

And the veeery, veeery faint test line on the OPK makes me happy because I know my body pretty well by now and I know that signals ovulation right around the corner. My OPKs stay stark white until about 1-2 days before I ovulate, so that beginning of a line that I need to use a microscope and special lighting to see is my signal to listen even more carefully to my body and follow all of it's commands.

This month, so far, looks like a very good month stress wise. Husband and I's getaway last night was the most relaxed I have been for a long, long time. In addition the exceptionally sweet, edifying things he said to me helped calm and soothe me.

Here goes!

Anniversaries, temperatures and cramping, oh my!

2007-08-24T23:59:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is Husband and I's sixth wedding anniversary. I wrote a huge bit about it on my MySpace page, and will probably post something more in detail on here tomorrow or Sunday, but right now I just want to make that announcement. After last year, I am surprised, proud and thankful we are celebrating our sixth anniversary and truly celebrating this year.

As for the rest of it, my temps have begun to get slightly erratic and, although my OPKs have consistantly been negative, I've had some odd cramping on my left side. It's very early for me to O, but I am taking Vitex this cy, so who knows what that's doing to my body.

I am praying intensely for this cycle. My brother's visit has been rescheduled to the end of Sept/beginning of Oct so I have another chance to tell them, in person, that I am pregnant. I would find out about the pregnancy, roughly, around Grandparent's Day, which would be a great way to announce it to my mom and Husband's parents. Also, the baby would be due in May, my birth month.

There is so much right about this, I can't stand to think of it going wrong.

And as corny as it sounds, I think I am falling in love with a person that hasn't been conceived yet. I know that's not truly possible, but I am falling in love with the hope of the person that may be to come. If that makes any sense at all, then it needs no further explanation. If it makes no sense at all, I don't think I can accurately describe it to you.

Anyone have a Band-Aid for my tongue?

2007-08-23T01:01:00.000-04:00

At the current rate I'm going, I'll need it from biting it so much.

I love my little Peanut. He's such a sweet, pleasant little boy and, best of all, he loves to cuddle with Auntie Krissy. The other day the three of us (him, me and his mother) were at Olive Garden for lunch when he began to get fussy. I told his mom to stay put and enjoy her meal while I took care of him. I picked him up and he just cuddled right into me. We sat for fifteen minutes just cuddling. I adore those moments with him because I know in a few months he will want to crawl and explore rather than cuddle.

But the reason for the tongue biting is his mother. While we were shopping for Peanut's christening outfit, the topic of godparents came up. Now, Peanut's dad is Catholic, his mom is Presbyterian, they want him to be christened in both churches so he can make a choice about what religion he wants to be a part of when he grows up.

Obviously, in the Catholic church, he has to have Catholic godparents. I asked if they were going to have the same godparents for his Presbyterian christening, she said no.

Perhaps it was forward of me, but I assumed Husband and I would be the natural choice for godparents if religion were not an issue. We have seen Peanut at least 4 or 5 times a month since he was born, we saw him when he was five days old, we were his first baby-sitters and even his parents have commented on how happy Peanut is when I am with him, holding him and playing with him. All this, in addition to the fact Husband and BIL are such close, inseparable friends, they refer to one another as brother rather than friend (Husband even calls BIL's mom his other mom) would translate to godparent status to me, right?

Wrong.

SIL informed me that they have chosen friends who have seen Peanut a total of two times in his entire five months on this earth, who live five hours away and who have known BIL & SIL a lot less time than Husband and I have.

All that is to say, I understand it's the parent's choice to pick whoever they want to be their child's godparents, I'm not faulting them for that, I'm just saying I am very hurt it wasn't me. And by the sounds of their comments, we weren't even considered for that position.

Perhaps it's the emotions of TTC. Perhaps I am overly emotional because of the supplements, but I have spent a lot of time crying over the fact they are asking someone else to be his godparents.

A reason for defeat

2007-08-19T12:58:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm a great one for rationalizing things. Rationalizing anything, really (which gives me a great excuse for POAS at a mere 9dpo).

The more I've been contemplating this last cycle, the more I've found a reason to be thankful it failed. As I've mentioned before, this is my fifth cycle, so that means I've had four previous, unsuccessful cycles. With that bit of information in mind, peruse the following quote from a website:

Another word for folic acid is folate. It's a vitamin in the B-class. It's suggested to take 400-800 mcg of folic acid starting three to four months before conception to decrease the risk of fetal malformations. There is a more than 50% reduction of many fetal malformations if the mother takes folic acid during the first two to three months. Taking folic acid has no effect on your fertility.

So there is a great reason to have not gotten a BFP until now. I've actually taken folic acid for the past four years, but I've taken it on a consistant basis for only the past four months. Yay for me.

Lack of Recognition

2007-08-18T23:01:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I find I don't recognize myself anymore.

I've become obsessed with trying to have a child. I don't mean it in the cutesy sense, I mean it in the very literal, I need a medical diagnosis kind of obsessed. I feel like there is a huge piece of the puzzle of Krissy that is missing, the "Mother" piece. However, in the search for that piece, I've lost another piece of me: my sanity.

My time online is mostly spent searching for more natural supplements to aide in fertility for both dh and myself. I went shopping today and walked out of the mall with a diaper bag (in my defense, it was adorable and only five bucks). When I went to yard sales last week, I specifically went looking for baby clothes.

I think I have a little bit more than just a case of baby fever. And I need to get a grip on it, quickly.

Can it really be that long already?

2007-08-16T21:18:00.000-04:00

Today while I was picking up my new glasses, I stopped at Vitamin World and picked up some Vitex. I'm excited to start it and it's really made me more optimistic about this cycle. I don't know why something so simple has me so happy, but whatever keeps me out of the pit that I easily fall in to following a failed cycle is a good thing.

After I came home with my newly acquired Vitex, I decided to chronicle what supplements I've used on my TTC journey, cycle by cycle, on my FF chart homepage. It was then that I realized just how long we've been TTC

Cycle #1 (5/2/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex
Cycle #2 (5/29/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex
Cycle #3 (6/23/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex, OPKs
Cycle #4 (7/19/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex, Royal Jelly, OPKs
Cycle #5 (8/15/07): Prenatal Vitamins, B Complex, Royal Jelly, Vitex, OPKs

Yep, this is my fifth cycle. Color me shocked.

I've officially decided I've been TTC for long enough, I'd like my BFP now, please.

Something good

2007-08-14T21:02:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to concentrate on taking some bit of "good" away from each cycle, no matter what the ending of it may be, happy or sad.

This cycle is ending sadly. I saw multiple stark white BFNs this cycle, despite the symptoms that made me so hopeful. I'm finding myself desperately wanting to cry. I feel that deep need to sit down and have a nice long crying jag.

However, I can see something good that came from this cycle. My temps were higher throughout the entire cycle and my LP temps were much more consistent. Last month they were very erratic. Consistency is helpful when TTC, so I am happy about this.

No updates, really

2007-08-12T20:25:00.000-04:00

Have tested thrice, same response. Obviously an unfavorable one.

HOWEVER...

I am only 11dpo. I am testing too early. I am obsessed.

One reason I tested so early: I want to announce the pregnancy to dh in one specific way which requires him to leave the house before me, preferrably when I am still in bed. That won't happen again until Thursday, so I was trying to find out this weekend.

I also have fairly short LPs (around twelve days, which spotting that begins at 11dpo), so I thought that the test would work for me, even though it's so early.

I bought a three pack of tests, used them all. Today, after church, I had to run to the grocery store for some ingredients for dinner and also for my lunch stuff for next week. It was inevitable that I buy a test (even though I dislike buying tests at this particular store because they are so pricey).

Now, to muster the patience to NOT test until later in the week...

Playing the name game

2007-08-09T18:48:00.000-04:00

Husband and I have had a difficult time agreeing on baby names. Well, boy's names to be exact. We had agreed on two girls' names, complete with middle names, but we have so many friends with children of the same names, we changed our minds. Now, we have one girl's name, first and middle, but are still having a raging boy's name battle.

Husband is Italian. He wants our son to have a very Italian name. He has suggested Rocco. Yes, I am serious.

The other night we were watching TV together and an Italian couple was on with their four children, all with very Italian names.

Krissy: "I like the name Gianni"

Husband: "Ew"

Krissy: "Well, do you have a better suggestion?"

Husband: "Marcello" big cheesy grin

Krissy: "Here we go again"

I'm pregnant

2007-08-08T23:17:00.000-04:00

Online Pregnancy Test

Krissy, you're going to be the proud parent of a baby girl, and just look-
isn't she just so damn cute! Based on our remote test results, your beautiful
baby girl will weigh about 6 lbs, 10 oz and have blonde hair and gray eyes.
Truly a Wonder To Behold!

Oh come now, you couldn't truly think I'd proclaim pregnancy is such an unmomentous (my own personal made up word) way!

This needed to be highlighted

2007-08-04T00:40:00.000-04:00

One of the ladies on my message board has this in her sig and I love it. Major props to her for putting it there:

*Don't complain about being pregnant, just be happy that you are*

Yeah, I suck

2007-08-02T21:59:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated my blog in a week and a day. Mea culpa and all that jazz.

I'm a much happier girl than the last time I posted. Despite some insanity at my job, I've been able to fulfill all the BD requirements this cycle. And I've been taking my supplements 2-3 times a day like a good little obsessive compsulsive TTCer.

I'm currently taking:

Prenatal Vitamins
Robitussin
Royal Jelly
B Complex

My only issue is, what if I don't get pregnant this cycle? I don't know what else to do, what to add to my regimine next cycle to increase my chances. Yes, yes I know, I should leave well enough alone and "just relax" (FTR, anyone TTC hates that phrase. Please refrain from giving it as advice), but I want to be a mommy!

I'm a planner and, almost as much as the possibility of not being pregnant, I dislike not knowing what I am doing next. I have a close friend who is incredibly wise in herbal fertility aides, perhaps I can hit her up for advice if this doesn't work.

Ugh, I hate the unknown.

Lying

2007-07-25T20:45:00.000-04:00

To myself, that is.

I just made a confession on True Mom Confessions. I cried the entire time I typed it. I cried as I read confessions from moms. I cried because some were beautiful and sweet. I cried because some had me questioning why these incompetent people could be parents and not me.

I lie and tell myself that I'm okay that I'm not pregnant.

I lie and tell Husband, when his disappointment in the BFN is as evident as mine, that the next cycle will be the cycle.

I lie when I smile and say I'm not going to let it get me down.

Not me. Not now.

2007-07-19T18:15:00.000-04:00

I feel very repetitious. That's right kiddies, I am not pregnant this cycle.

I can never be patient. I can never just wait to see what happens. I have to further the torture, to increase the pain by ignoring the temperature dip, ignoring the singular line on the pregnancy test and then decompensating when I get out of my shower to find AF in full force.

I sent Husband a text message because I couldn't bear to actually tell him, "I'm not pregnant."

I know I sound awfully dramatic, but this negative hit me so hard.

A little retail therapy today helped, but it's still difficult. Oh, and the retail therapy included me buying two pairs of maternity pants. Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. In my defense, they were 75% off and will be of major use whenever I finally see those two lines.

There are bright sides to this BFN, there really are and I may get in to those at a later date, but right now I just feel the need to wallow. It's okay if I wallow, right?

Not so much now

2007-07-14T20:46:00.000-04:00

I truly was hopeful at the beginning of the cycle. Moreso when I noticed some favorable changes in my chart.

But now I've been analyzing my chart. Okay, the correct word would be "0ver-analyzing". Based on my chart, based on what I'm seeing, I don't think it's the cycle. My temps are way too low to indicate a successful cycle.

Even my logical side is conflicted, though. As I look at my chart and note the low temps, I also remind myself that I am currently only 8dpo. Ruling myself out at this point is not only premature, but opening myself up to unnecessary heartache. Wait until the unfortunate arrival of AF or a negative test before becoming upset.

I'm trying not to fall into that familiar pit of despair I went to everytime over the past two years I realized we had to prolong trying for a baby for one reason or another. I've wanted a baby for so long, having to delay TTC hurt me a little more each time. Now, facing the reality of a BFN, even if it is only in my second month, hurts even worse.

All props to women who suffer years of infertility. Two cycles and my heart is aching, you all have my deepest respect.

"Cause it’s all in my head, I think about it over and over again"

2007-07-11T22:22:00.000-04:00

If fertilization occured, it is highly improbable that implantation has happened and it is the implantation that triggers all the hormonal changes that begin the pregnancy symtoms.

And yet, even with this bit of knowledge tucked away in my little brain, I still am creating these imaginary symptoms. Increased appetite, frequent urination, stomach cramps in the muscles.

Sheesh, I have nine more days of this. This will not be good.

Deep, calming breath

2007-07-07T22:05:00.000-04:00

I feel very good about this cycle.

This blog is full of TMI, so I won't even give that warning, but if you are a family member of mine or Husband's, perhaps it would be beneficial to stop reading... ASAP.

After Husband and I bd last night (following my very first positive OPK), about 45 minutes later, I had very distinct O pains. The only difference this that I can usually feel which side they are on, this time I felt them on both sides. Yes, I know what I am implying by saying that, but it was clearly Mittelschmerz and clearly on both sides.

I know even with perfect timing and perfect conditions, there is only a 25% chance of conception, but I feel so optimistic that this cycle is going to work. I don't quite know why, but I just do.

Optimism –noun 1. a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.

2007-07-06T19:26:00.000-04:00

I have hope.

I wasn't a complete mess after the last cycle, I know it may have come across as such, but I truly wasn't. Even before entering my first cycle, I told myself the chances of conception occurring on the first try were slim to none. While I stayed realistic, some disappointment hit me along with the hormones of AF making me downright pissy.

This month was going along quite swimmingly with my new thermometer and all, until Sunday night's fireworks display. It's been insanely cold here at night and was rather cool all day Sunday, the one day we had planned to be out in the weather. So, yeah, I'm sick. Which means my temps are all screwed up which means my chart is all screwed up.

Thank God for the power of OPKs. Yesterday's OPK was just a very faint second line that would have taken my doctor's 90D lens to view. This morning's test line was definitely there, but lighter than the control line.

However, this evening's test was the same as the control line. I plan to retest once more tonight before Husband gets home, hoping it will be positive. Thankfully, in spite of the sickness I'll be able to tell my approximate O date.

I feel, for some reason, very positive, very optimistic about this cycle.

Here goes nothing!

Holding patterns suck

2007-07-02T21:45:00.000-04:00

In the message boards I'm on and of all the blinkies I've seen, much is made of the "two week wait" post ovulation until testing time. But I am currently in the midst of another kind of two week wait, waiting to ovulate.

I really dislike this wait. At least after I ovulate I have the "I've done all I can do, now it's my turn to trust God and trust my body and let go". Right now I feel such pressure to monitor every idiosyncrasy of my body so that I don't overlook an ovulation symptom to make sure our BD timing is correct. And last month I missed the cues and, while our BD timing wasn't horrible, it obviously wasn't good enough.

This particular point in my cycle makes me beat myself up expecting perfection, and an almost ESP like ability to time my BD correctly. Yes, I chart religiously and even use those blasted OPKs that counfound me monthly, but I still feel like I am under such pressure right now. BION, the two week post O wait is much more relaxing for me.

I am just weird like that ;-)

Wow, just, wow

2007-06-29T22:33:00.000-04:00

Warning, if you're sensitive and emotional, please don't view this video.

There is a brief mention of abortion, not in the song, but on a card in the video. I'm not making a political debate about abortion with this, the rest of the song and video are amazingly moving regardless of your stance on this issue.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Yay for new stuff

2007-06-28T15:25:00.000-04:00

It's amazing how happy new stuff can make me.

Today is the first day of a semi-vacation from work (we wound up adding two work days that we were supposed to have off because our patient load is just too heavy). I fulfilled my duty to mankind by doing my biweekly apheresis donation, my contribution to making the world a better place and helping those in need.

Afterwards heralded a trip to the store to get that most sought after instrument known as the Basal Body Thermometer. And I was especially ecstatic to find one that saved my last temp (in case my mind can't process the theory of writing things down at 5:30am), had an LCD light in it AND was less than I was planning to pay for it. Yay me. Oh and a brand spankin' new box of thermometer covers also cost less than what I was planning on paying for it.

In addition to the thermometer, I finally found the square cream-colored candles I had been searching for to complete my coffee table centerpiece and bought a new journal. Mmmm add some caffeine and I'd be in ecstasy.

Recooperating

2007-06-28T08:19:00.000-04:00

I was a little surprised at how deeply I took the unfavorable outcome of my last cycle (which was my first cy TTC, so I am trying to keep my perspective).

At first it was just mild disappointment. In the "oh well, the odds aren't with me and there is always next month" kind of way.

But some things have been happening in my life lately. Things I really can't post on a blog, but things I have told some close friends about. Since blogs are easily searachable, I don't want this whole ordeal to be found. Suffice it to say there are two people in my life doing something awful and making it impossible to be around them. My "way out" of dealing with this situation would be to achieve this pregnancy. I don't mean I want to get pg just to get out. I want to get pg because I want a baby, I want to be a mother. However, the fact that a pregnancy would have the additional bonus of helping me out of this situation.

So now I have a secondary reason to want this baby. I called Husband yesterday and said, "I hope you're planning on knocking me up this time because this whole thing is getting out of hand."

Not a member of Club A

2007-06-23T16:21:00.000-04:00

I'm neither completely surprised nor upset.

I'm disappointed.

Yeah, I'm not one of the "pregnant our first month" people.

Honestly, I'm not super emotional over this. The best word is disappointed. I am not upset that our first month of TTC didn't yield the desired benefit, I'm upset because I want a baby. It's difficult to articulate the deep desire I have for a baby, but it gets deeper daily.

In my usual fashion, however, I will cuddle Peanut until I'm blessed with a little one of my own.

These signs weren't on my driver's exam

2007-06-16T23:15:00.000-04:00

I swear, during this nerve-wracking time known as the two week wait, absolutely everything that happens to your body is a sign.

I'm speaking of myself when I make this judgemental statement. Increased urination? I'm pregnant. Feeling gassy? A clearer sign than EPT. Increased appetite? Let's go buy maternity clothes.

I've even begun analyzing every nuance of my body, looking for something out of the ordinary. After all, not every woman has identical pregnancy symptoms. Many have something that is unique to them which signals pregnancy. So the odd vibration sensations in my lower stomach? An obvious sign.

Husband reminded me today of my mom's ability to stop her birth control medicine, declare "I want a baby now" and get pregnant. He also reminded me of the long line of accidental pregnancies in my family.

He thinks our first month may be our last. I would love for him to be right.

How Much Does A Baby Cost?

2007-06-12T23:36:00.000-04:00

After entering those words into Google, I found this fantastic link. Such a shame more people haven't broken it down like this in their minds.

Budget Worksheet For Baby

Great, great resource.

In other news: OPK went from a very, very faint line to stark white today. Joy!

Grrrr at...

2007-06-11T22:47:00.000-04:00

OPKs. I am continually getting negative OPKs, but tonight while I was standing at the sink doing dishes, I got a very distinct ovulation pain on my left side. I guess tomorrow's temps will tell me for sure, but I am almost certain I ovulated today, whether or not my OPK agrees.
My brother. As annoyed as I am that my neice is expecting before I am, he promised to send the 3-D, color ultrasound she had done recently. He promised to email it on Saturday. Today is Monday. No email.
The local hospital. For incorrectly billing me for bloodwork. Twice.

I'm in an unhappy mood. Promise happier things tomorrow, stay tuned.

A whole new kind of date

2007-06-10T21:45:00.000-04:00

When I was dating, I would excitedly mark the the calendar when I had a date planned and stare at the big red circle constantly. Shocking that I treated a date with such obsession, huh?

At this stage in my life, dates means something totally different, but the same obsession still applies. Right now my world revolves around temperatures, ovulation dates, how many days I am past ovulation, implantation dipping and missed periods.

Although I haven't even had a positive OPK yet (and don't get me started on that complaint), I decided to calc a possible due date, for the humor of it all. I'd be due in March. I'm cool with that.

And, interestingly enough, if this and the next cycle follow suit and are exactly like they should be (commence with the laughter... now!), my due date if I get pg next cycle would be my SIL and niece's bday. Lovely.

I knew I loved Dr. Sears for a reason!

2007-06-09T12:59:00.000-04:00

Disclaimer: This entire post will sound very self-righteous and judgemental of me. Even moreso than my normal critiques of the parenting styles of BrotherB and SIL. However, this is my blog, my place to complain :-)

A friend of mine asked me the other day if I felt BrotherB was a good influence on Husband. My initial reaction is yes. BB has taught Husband a lot and has been an invaluable source of help numerous times. But something interesting occured after the appearance of Peanut. BB's influence on Husband has become more of a lesson in what not to do than in good parenting techniques. Husband frequently comments that he feels Peanut is more of an accessory for BB & SIL than a child. Sadly, I have to agree.

Unfortunately, Husband doesn't pick up on all the things and now feels that certain ways they parent are the only possible choices. More specifically, he thinks it's impossible to raise a child without a pacifier. When Husband disagrees with me on something, I fall back on my research-a-holic tendencies. We recently went over the cloth diaper vs disposable diaper issue. His inbox was filled with statistics, reports and articles within three hours :-)

So while in search of an article that would highlight the problems with pacifiers and alternatives that soothe as well without adversely affecting breastfeeding, I came across this resource on Dr. Sears' website, in particular, this point:

Times To Pull The Plug:
As habitual substitutes for nurturing. Ideally, pacifiers are for the comfort of babies, not the convenience of parents (but I have yet to meet the ideal parent or the ideal baby and, believe it or not, you probably won't meet any on this site.) To insert the plug and leave baby in the plastic infant seat every time he cries is unhealthy reliance on an artificial comforter. This baby needs picking up and holding. Always relying on an alternative peacemaker lessens the buildup of baby's trust in the parents and denies the parents a chance to develop baby comforting skills. Pacifiers are meant to satisfy intense sucking needs, not to delay or replace nurturing. A person should always be at the other end of a comforting tool. The breast (or the
finger) has the built-in advantage of making sure you don't fall into the habit of just plugging up the source of the cries as a mechanical gesture. When baby cries, if you find yourself, by reflex, reaching for the pacifier instead of reaching for your baby, pull the plug – and lose it.

Husband loves getting emails from me :-)

Okay egg, where might you be hiding?

2007-06-07T15:40:00.000-04:00

I'm getting impatient.

Wait, that's not true. To say I am getting impatient implies I was patient to begin with!

I took my very first OPK today and expected to see a faint test line, indicating that, while not yet surging, my LH was on an upward turn. With OPKs a few days before ovulation, you get faint test lines because the LH is building, then the test line becomes darker than the control line when you're actually about to ovulate (about 24-48 hours before ovulation).

Unfortunately, there was not even a tiny, faint line.

Granted I don't trust OPKs implicitly, but still I was hoping to get a little signal saying, "Okay, Krissy, your O date is coming!"

Sigh. If I'm this bad in the ovulation wait, the 2ww is going to be interesting.

That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet

2007-06-06T23:34:00.000-04:00

I've begun to think (because I'm not overanalyzing the entire TTC process enough, I need to begin overanalyzing my unconceived child's life) about what my kids will call me.

I decided when Husband and I were first married that my children would call his parents Nonna and Nonno, Italian for Grandma and Grandpa, respectively. My neices call my mom Grams and, if that's her preference, she's more than welcome to have my kids call her that. Basically what my kids call my mom is totally up to her.

Husband wants to be Daddy. He is in love with the title and can't wait to hear it.

Me? No clue. I have a very specific title for my mom and think it would be adorable for my kids to call me the same thing, but it's a title I came by. I can't tell you where I got it, I can't tell you when it started, but I began calling her it a very, very long time ago and have ever since. Interestingly enough, although not prompted or suggested that I call her it, my mother adores the nickname.

I'm not married to one specific title and I think it will be interesting how I address myself and how, eventually, my child addresses me.

As long as it's not a word I'd be embarrassed to have them call out loudly in the grocery and as long as they don't call me by my first name (a huge pet peeve of mine), I'll just be thankful to be their parent.